Hello Everyone,

October 2015

I love October, not just because it is my birthday month but because the air changes, the season changes, the time changes.

It is when we must embrace the fact that the time change will have us seeing the dark sooner. A time when the trees begin to let loose the leaves, orange, brown and yellow leaves flying about.

It is the time when the ghouls and horrors are seen in decorations, shows, movies and parties.

It is the time when we say farewell to the summer heat, smile toward the cooler weather and wonder of the winter to come.

Happy October! May there be light within you to shine upon the earlier darker hours. May the ghouls and gremlins that ring the door bell make you smile and partake in trick or treat.

May you embrace the change in season knowing... it will bring us back to Spring soon enough.

I have added a tab - Whisper my words, which is a link to my site where I post stories, poems, AndMore events and the Watcher's Journal. Take a peek and enjoy.

Enjoy!

~g

September 28, 2010

Starting the week right...I treasure time

I treasure all of the experiences I've had in my life. Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary in order to have gotten you to the next place, and the next, up until this very moment. ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

There will be an AndMore about the following as well.

I have a birthday coming up.  I am like a child about birthdays.  I like doing something special for myself.  This year however I have not had the excitement at all that I usually get around this time.  I had chosen to just treat it like any other day.

But then...a family friend had her own thoughts about this.

She planned a dinner to thank friends and family for helping during a tough time in her life.  I was one of those friends and proud to be one.  A Saturday of cooking and breaking of bread.

I walked into her home and my mother was in her kitchen cooking.  Latin favorites, Bacalao con arroz con gandules, empanadas, guineo mas duro, acapuria (my all time fav).  The smells coming out of that kitchen were heavenly.

As I sat with wine in hand, listening to the old Latin beat screeching out of the TV music station, I saw people laughing, talking, catching up.  I participated in a lot of banter and felt myself for the first time in a long time.....relax.  I hadn't a worry in the world in that living room.  More people came in and the sounds were louder, it had become a full blown Latin feast.  To my utter surprise along with the Thank you for everyone the hostess also had a cake for my birthday.  I was the only one not let in on that news.

I love boxes of all materials, the older the better, the more Victorian the greater.  A gift......a beautiful box with a painting of a bird on it.  Leather strap to boot.  In it........winter accessories; who doesn't need that?

I was overwhelmed with a happiness, a feeling of utter caring, a love that circled around that home side by side to the aroma, music and laughter.

So back to the card.....'until this very moment', I have lived for most of my adult life for moments.  Moments like this I could only dream of.  I treasure this experience.  Reality was the greatest gift of all.

But...it's wonderful to have the gift of friendship, a mother that cook up a storm, consideration and caring.  Yes, I had planned on treating this birthday like any other day...I'm glad that plan did not work out.

September 24, 2010

Inspiration me....allowing things to happen

today I will...let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.  ~melody beattie

It is just so hard to let things happen.  Even harder to think you can change things that are either meant to be or not meant to be.  I always remember my ex-mother in-law saying something in Spanish.  That I always wanted to fight the inevitable and that I actually expected to win.  I guess that is true...I know that is true.

To be hopeful is dangerous.  You end up hoping and hoping only to find out - the inevitable shall win.

Law of Attraction/The Secret/Manifesting says; believe whole heartily and it shall be.  What they don't tell you is that it will be only if it is meant to be.  So in essence, are you really controlling your destiny?

Do we just give up and live a life of routine?  Ho Humming along and just elating over moments when you actually get something you've wanted?

I just don't know.....this endless quest of finding answers to questions can be so tiring.  I do know this...if Hope was a friend, she would be a friend I would steer clear from right now.

Strokes or hope
How I landed in this ocean I don't know
at a distance, 120 strokes...land
Tired and feeling defeated - I float

Do I swim? Do I stay and hope?
Do the predators arrive? Do I escape?
Tired and defeated - I remain

In a short while exhaustion will take over
120 strokes will seem like thousands
Do I begin to take those strokes or stay and hope?

I swim...120 strokes
no predators, no hope
Dry land and tired arms...a beginning to an end.

2010©Gracey Castro

September 23, 2010

Arguing with Confucius....we disagree

Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object? -Confucius.

Not that I know of.  Love demands much.  Attention, courtesy, acknowledgement, reciprocation, kindness, consistency, etc.

The question is not whether there can be, the question is whether we give it.

Someone once told me that I love completely and that was the problem, I should hold back.  Mystery if but a little is good.  I have struggled with that for years. Either I am sadistic or rebellious because I still can't accept that.  If I love you, I love you for all that you are.  I love you with all that I am.  As for mystery, is it not enough to wonder if it will last?

Do I make demands of those I love? Sure, I demand that you respect that love.   That you treat it well.  That if you are so blessed as to have so much love in your heart you can not make room for more, to at least walk away and not mock it.

Do I demand love?  No.  I have long given up trying to find it.  But in those moments when it makes an appearance, I embrace it, smell it, inhale it, close my eyes and make a memory of it.  For when it leaves as quickly as it arrived I would have that moment to reminisce with. ~g

Yet...we disagree
I take nothing and leave plenty
I speak little and listen much
But...land on different paths

I share my core and leave you yours
intact
Embrace you until you shiver
no more
Yet we disagree

We are the same, yet so different
Few understand us, yet we do
But...we see none of this

We agree in long talks
We agree through long walks
Yet...we disagree

2010©Gracey Castro

September 22, 2010

Inspiration me....starting the week right....Happiness

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller

Irony is that Helen was blind.  Even she was looking for the door of happiness and perhaps learned that she couldn't 'see' it because she was looking at the one that closed.

I heard it close, it was thunderous.  No way that door is opening again.  I can claw till my fingers bleed.  I can yell and beg; but there is no one on that other side to open it. I know that I must look forward and find yet another door, but........I keep looking back.

Happiness depends upon ourselves. ~Aristotle
Aristotle usually gave quotes that cut to the chase.  He must have had the patience of a speeding bullet.  But, short as they are, those quotes are enough to be appreciated.

Road to happiness
If I can not see you, how do I find you?
If I can not hear you, where do I walk to?
Lost and weary - I pray for a path.

If I look within will a map appear?
If I change my heart will a road open?
Chained and still - I pray for inner peace.

If the blind and deaf can find it,
If the philosopher found it,
Then time will answer my prayer.

2010©Gracey Castro
09/22/2010

September 21, 2010

Rolling with the punches or just getting punched.?.

It's my father's birthday today.  He would have been 72 years old.  He loved his birthday when his four daughters would greet him early morning with hugs and kisses.  I miss him, more each day and the pain of it grows.  They say it lessons, but I find that to be untrue.

Amist the ever growing need to close certain chapters of this book called my life.  I find the exhaustion, the pain and misery to be like one mass pain.   I don't reach out to people anymore and forced myself to finally see who would care.  I opened my heart of a secret kept so long, it may have just been a waste of time, for if it should have felt as a relief, all else that weighs me down doesn't allow me to feel it.

As if to make the day even worse, traffic spills onto the road making my trip stressful, I finally get to NY only to find there is so much traffic in the city even cabs can't get around.  It is 34 blocks from the bus station to my job and I walked all but 5.  Five blocks into traffic with the cab and already the meter was reaching the cost it normally would be if we reached my job.  I jump out, train stations are full and it just is quicker to walk it.  I call my boss and with all the sincerety in the world I tell him 'when the next lay off comes around, please make sure I am at the top of the list.'  His response is that I should move closer, as if moving is free.

Still making 30K less from 4 years ago, no raise (and I am grateful to have a job), all else increasing in economy finance leave little to move with let alone purchase a car after the Jeep died.

The commute leave me with 2 hours a night if I am lucky, no time to look for anything, all is closed.  The weekends are more like waking from a coma.  Exhausted and trying to figure out why my body is not functioning at a normal pace.

Another day where it takes 3 hours to get to work.  The usual amount it takes to get home, if not 2.5 hours or more.

Things will get better! This too shall pass!  At least you have a job!  At least there is public transportation!  All the positives that people say, while also commenting on how crappy you look.  I swear if one more person say any of those things, I will pull their tongue out and sell it as pork meat!

Dad would have said something positive wrapped in negative.  'Kiddo, at least you got to that shitty city in one piece."  God, I miss his humor and love.  Oh and those hugs...........

I promised myself I would write my vents.  That I would set goals and challenges even through the challenges already set before me on a daily basis.

I nurse a broken heart, a migraine, a thinning wallet, legs that can't take the walk anymore, the arriving late to work and the getting home so late and tired I can't even think of food.  All with the thought 'if it doesn't get better then at least keep me numb.'

09/21/2010 ~gracey

September 20, 2010

being true to myself

These damn cards and their ability to hit the mark!

today I will...honor, cherish, and love myself. When I get confused about what to do, I just have to remember that I need to be true to myself. I will break free of the hold that others---and their expectations---have on me.  ~melody beattie

I guess that will be theme for a while, being true to myself.  I am a firm believer that one must be truthful with oneself or they can't be truthful to others.  It is much easier to close things out of the mind, to pretend, to live in a fantasy, to lie to yourself.  But in the end, the truth will slap you in the face and you will still have to deal with it.  Truth, that force that will not remain concealed.

Hello
It's been a while since we met
hiding from one another
yet knowing one another is there

I walk toward you, humbly
head down, pride gone, step by step
I see you walk in the same manner

It's been a while since we met
You are I, I am you, we surely
can no longer separate

2010©Gracey Castro

Check out Essentials of Poetry

Hi,

I want you to take a look at: Essentials of Poetry 

September 17, 2010

Inspiration me.....Ending the week right.....Tear drop‏

'Get the message. What is your situation showing you? To get the message is to turn your questions or what you think you know into understanding that you can apply. There are no wrong answers; the goal is not to be right but to be clear.' ~The Next Step deck by Dr. M.

Someone said something recently that hit me like a ton of bricks. Irony is that it shouldn't have surprised me but it did. Cruelty is I needed to hear it. Life is I hated hearing it. I laid in bed for an entire night......numb. I got up and it literally took me 4 hours to get to work thanks to accidents on the road. I rushed through obstacles all the way there and still I was emotionally numb. Then the next day an emergency came up and I took off from work. Later that evening when I had some time to myself I decided that waiting on the opportune time to meet with anyone for dinner and wine would be another year in wait. So I took myself to dinner, a nice restaurant and had a petite sirloin, mashed potatoes and grilled green beans, a very large glass of wine. I'm not driving so I asked for the largest glass they had (yes, wine comes in different glass sizes).

I sat there waiting for dinner, sipping my wine and I took out the deck of cards from the The Next Step deck. Feeling at my lowest point EVER. Nothing at all going right in my life except breathing and even that is labored through restrained tears. I shuffle the cards while other nosey patrons watch, I turn one over and it's the above card. The tears I held back for days come down. 'I get it. I get the message and I will do whatever it takes to accept it and get past it.' Dinner arrives and I eat it with a slowness that reminds me of a child forced to eat. But while I ate I thought to myself.....'how do I let things get this far?', that's when I took out my notebook and began to write, it was 2 hours later when the waitress walked over and asked if I wanted desert. 'No, let the sourness stay for a few moments longer, I'll just have the check please.' There was no check, the manager gave me the dinner for free along with a cheesecake to go.....too numb to show the appreciation I truly felt, I merely smiled and said thank you and ran to catch the bus.

Note to self: (soon after looking in the mirror) Get water proof mascara.

Tear drop

You rolled right out of my eye, down my cheek and to the wooden table

you shined like a round rain drop, a tear - single and alone

Within it I saw me, I was happy, I was me

I look so young, vibrant, alive


I see the storm roll in, I'm frightened and cuddle to the ground

finally rose with a sadness too profound


Within it I see me, looking, searching, exhausted

I look so desperate, confused, alone

You rolled right out of my eye, down my cheek to reveal

I see, I ask, I am clear...acceptance come to me.

~are you asking, accepting and clear?

2010©Gracey Castro