The end of the Dragonsire story has been posted on the Mystic Page. You can subscribe at http://www.graceycastro.com/ on the home page (bottom) enter your email on the subscription box. Auto responder of new postings will be sent.
Tonight she’ll doze in the chair until Charles comes in. When he does her heart will practically burst with a hot flood of relief. She won’t yell at him. She won’t even be angry—she will only feel incredible, soggily mind-boggling love. Sometimes she wonders if she’s become addicted to extremes of pain and pleasure—… ~The Wedding Writer by Susan Schneider
The above is not about a lover, husband or friend. It is a mother worrying about her son.
Her husband thinks he is fine and just going through a phase, coming into his own (becoming a man). She is the only one that knows something is terribly wrong (and there is), that her sons quietness screams of trouble, his moodiness of altered state, of his leaving the house and not knowing when he will return; a form of running…hiding. She suffers it alone. Dubbed a smotherer. A nag. A worry wart.
The book itself is of another woman, an editor going through life’s trials, but this woman is the one I both understood and related to well.
I can always tell when my son is troubled. The silence others see as keeping to himself, I know it to be his struggling with a decision.
The absence others see as his just doing his thing, I know it to be a form of hiding, running.
The quick decision he makes others see as his ‘finally’ making up his mind, I know it to be a following of another’s view.
It didn’t stop when he became a teenager.
It didn’t stop when he moved out.
It didn’t stop when he pushed me away.
It hasn’t stopped even now when he is soon turning 21.
I still if not physically – emotionally -- ‘doze in a chair until he comes around. My heart bursts with relief when I feel all is well. I don’t yell at him. I don’t even get angry. I just feel mind-boggling love. I too wonder if I have become addicted to extremes of pain and pleasure…’ I am a mother and with it came instincts. That gift and curse that all with opinions don’t have concerning my son or me. I am a mother and I love unconditionally; it is my instinct.
being direct – today I will…own my own power and be direct, and I will be clear and honest in my dealings with other people. If I’m comfortable with my own truth, then those around me will be comfortable with me, too. ~Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
I release all feelings of worry and guilt…throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done, and worry about what might be done. ~Inner Wisdom cards by Dr. W. Dyer
It makes sense really…be comfortable with who you are…worry and guilt will solve nothing. Yet uncomfortable is what I feel and am filled with worry and guilt. I read the cards, I know the meanings and yet…still…
Sometimes people don’t understand what stepping back and building a wall means; at least for me…it means…
Nothing anyone says is helping
In most cases they are saying things that make me feel worse
I may feel let down by some and don’t want to find out if those that are left will do the same
I may even not have the energy to hear another opinion, advice, criticism…etc.
The wall is metaphorical; it’s an emotional obstacle to keep that which can cause me harm at a time when I can’t or don’t have the strength to protect myself.
Like a castle that needs a wall around it, I layer a brick wall around me. Like the moat that creates further an obstacle, my silence keeps me at bay. When I can deal with some contact, a small secret passage is opened and one may pass through, even then for a small time.
That castle is more like a recovery center. Some may say it is an isolation. But…that is an opinion.
How long does the wall stay up? Who knows? I don’t. For as long as it takes. If you are on the other side, than for whatever reason, I am uncomfortable, or I worry that you may cause me harm and I won’t be able to protect myself. Should I be wrong, trust me, I already feel guilty about it. But the wall, nonetheless, stays up.
Today I will acknowledge that I recover internally, spiritually and emotionally at my pace…with no concern over what someone else may think. ~gracey castro – My ‘language of letting go’.
Well, I do! This is one of those typical conversations where we're all open and sharing our innermost thoughts and it's all bullshit and a lie and it doesn't cost *you* anything! ~ from Joe versus the volcano
Bull shitter on train – woman #1 – ‘I told him he can either do it my way or leave.’ (Enter arrogant head movement here)
woman #2 - ‘Did he do it’. (Eager look in her eyes)
woman #1 - ‘You better believe he did it’. (conversation changes until next stop where woman #2 gets off).
woman #1 – makes a call once there is service ‘Honey, I’m sorry, please call me back’.
Bull shitter on subway - ‘Can you spare some change so I can get a sandwich? I haven’t eaten in days.’ (Wearing new $200 sneakers, iPod out of pocket, iPhone in front shirt pocket, clean shaven, hint of cologne…..nuff said).
Bull shitter on TV – Pick a channel
Bull shitter on news – Pick a politician
Bull shitter at the bank - ‘If you open an account you get free checking.’ Me: ‘But what about all these fees?’ (Showing print out from their site) Bank bull shitter (BBS) ‘They probably didn’t update the site.’ Me: ‘But you should know what’s on their site.’ BBS: ‘I’m sorry, did you need the teller?’
I finally understand why there is so much bull shit and bull shitters, it’s free. Doesn’t cost a thing except someone’s time. Someone’s hope. Someone’s trust.
Rarely do you find someone telling you something they actually mean.
Joe is right…’…It’s one of those typical conversations.’