Hello Everyone,

October 2015

I love October, not just because it is my birthday month but because the air changes, the season changes, the time changes.

It is when we must embrace the fact that the time change will have us seeing the dark sooner. A time when the trees begin to let loose the leaves, orange, brown and yellow leaves flying about.

It is the time when the ghouls and horrors are seen in decorations, shows, movies and parties.

It is the time when we say farewell to the summer heat, smile toward the cooler weather and wonder of the winter to come.

Happy October! May there be light within you to shine upon the earlier darker hours. May the ghouls and gremlins that ring the door bell make you smile and partake in trick or treat.

May you embrace the change in season knowing... it will bring us back to Spring soon enough.

I have added a tab - Whisper my words, which is a link to my site where I post stories, poems, AndMore events and the Watcher's Journal. Take a peek and enjoy.

Enjoy!

~g

July 22, 2011

Army Strong!!! Parent Strong?

I knew I did not want to be home tonight. I did not know why, just that the need to be anywhere but home was strong.  The hours away were too few, I felt it as I drove home. Killing time is like watching boiling water that literally boils quick and defies the old adage.

I walk slowly, even though it's late, I dread walking in.  I don't know why, I just know that I do.

I see the mail and a letter sticks out USARB, I already know what it stands for.  Ask me a few weeks ago and I would have Google the acronym.

I take the letter upstairs, I sit and stare at it. Not wanting to open it, knowing I had to open it.

The kaleidoscope of the past few weeks goes before my eyes.  So many thoughts pass quickly.  Always at times like this I look left, I look right and there is no one, why is that when I need a hug the most?.  Today....tonight....I am used to it and have realized I now appreciate it.

I open the letter and the reality of the officialism of my son now in the army hits me.  Wave upon wave of sobs.  I barely get to the second paragraph when I have to put it down and just cry it out.

My only child.  Just when I thought we could bond he makes a decision that separates us further.  I have always said that the boy I tracked and found when he ran away those years ago was a different boy.  I never really found the son I knew.  The years have not lessened that pain.  This letter just made it worse.

If at any time in my life I felt alone, truly I was wrong for tonight I know what alone is.  I know the core of it.

'As a proud parent of a Future Soldier'.  I am a proud parent....of my son.  'You are now a part of an exceptional team.  That part angered me.  What team?  There wasn't a team that I saw or heard from.

'if your son ships to training quickly'....if?????

I was thanked for my commitment and support to my country.  Perhaps one day I will understand that.  As a parent it seems so impersonal, after all they are getting my son and doing what they wish with him.

I am a proud American; always have been.  I can't see myself living anywhere (unless Palin was made President). I just can't seem to embrace this.  I just can't, I hope I do, but I can't.  I am torn between the pride of a mother for a son that has finally made a decision on his life, however was this decision his?

I'm glad it says Army Strong, because right now I am anything but.  Right now I wish I had not come home and seen the mail.  Reality no matter how you prepare, still has a way of surprising you.  Reality strong is more like it.

I don't feel strong enough to breathe let alone accept this or pretty much anything else right now.  I do accept one thing...  I'm not looking left or right anymore, I look up.  Grant me the strength to get through this. To stop crying at the sound or vision of the word Army.

Grant me to be Parent Strong.

July 20, 2011

The Watcher's Notes

The Watcher's Notes

Just breathe

Inspiration me…breathe

Drew Barrymore did a take on Cinderella (Ever After), there is a part where she is standing about to enter the Royal festivities and she tells herself to ‘just breathe’.

In yoga and meditation you begin the same way, you just ‘breathe’.

I suffer from Panic Attacks, going on over 3 years now.  One of things I tell myself over and over is….to just ‘breathe’.  To slow it down to a full breath…inhale…exhale.

I received a call and had to hear my son tell me that it’s official, he is US Army.  Calvary Scout. (Just breathe).  He had initially wanted MP but the post was not available (Just breathe).  I know this description since I had researched the list when he began on this venture - Cavalry Scouts work to obtain, distribute and share vital combat and battlefield information on the enemy and on combat circumstances and environmental conditions. The role originated with the United States Cavalry. (Just breathe).

I had just returned from the surgeons office.  Still no surgery appointment and to top it all off I may have to take the tests again.  (Just breathe).

I look at my life as is…I think of what I would like it to be…the distance in reaching is phenomenal (Just breathe).

He tells me that he deploys on Valentines day, but if he does well in PE than he may leave as early as September (Just breathe).

As the day came to a close and the apartment began to darken I sat and thought of nothing and no one, I just sat there and breathed.  When I reached a point where I realized much time had passed I also realized that I was calm or maybe numb.

It doesn’t matter…right now…all I can handle…. is to ‘Just Breathe’.

07/19/2011

July 18, 2011

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me…Mountain air….Serenity

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me…Mountain air….Serenity: "There is nothing like Mountain air to just put me at ease. Driving there is just the beginning…watching the landscape change. In the last ..."

Inspiration me…Mountain air….Serenity

There is nothing like Mountain air to just put me at ease.  Driving there is just the beginning…watching the landscape change.

In the last 5 weeks I have gone from near panic…despair and pain to a calmness.  It takes doing some things that I rather not do.

It takes pushing people away.  It’s hard for me to accept that it’s OK to not want to be around people.  To listen to the constant ‘did you try this…maybe it’s that’.  I can guess all by myself.

To listen to barrage of questions when you need to escape them.  To feel as though  you have to explain not having all the answers…I mean really….who does?

The trees don’t antagonize, scrutinize or judge.  They merely sway when the occasional wind passes.  The birds don’t care what you are thinking.  If you whistle it’s enough for them.

The time centering has made me focus.  I look at all the relationships around me and those that exhaust me, I allow a small measure of time if any.

I don’t argue…I simply wish the best (well except for my co-worker, arguing with him is medicinal <grin>)

I listen to the sound of nature.  It talks plainly.  It tells you that no matter what life goes on.

I heard a story of a man whose wife took in a stray cat.  The cat leaves the home occasionally and brings back prizes.  A thank you for the home and affection.  He was holding a bag with 3 dead creatures, mice and chipmunks.

Animals talk plainly.  I love you…here is a present to show you.

I have always said and for years used as my email signature the line…Life is not hard, people make it so.  I still believe that.  People just make things difficult.  Most don’t even see it.

So….until I am grounded from soul to flesh…centered from mind to spirit, I shall continue to allow small doses of humanity into my serenity.  I will allow full doses of nature in.

July 14, 2011

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore...Bloodboy, veggie burger, Nurse KillJOy O...

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore...Bloodboy, veggie burger, Nurse KillJOy O...: "Let’s start with Nurse KillJOy as she is the start of the bad week, which leads to the burger and Bloodboy. A month ago I felt it necessary..."

AndMore...Bloodboy, veggie burger, Nurse KillJOy OH MY!

Let’s start with Nurse KillJOy as she is the start of the bad week, which leads to the burger and Bloodboy.

A month ago I felt it necessary to have my health checked, something amiss was noticed.  Tests were taken.  At the Dr.’s office no matter the reason you call (other than appointment making)  you are transferred to the Nurse’s line.  Nurse Joy; who NEVER picks up the phone.  Rarely returns calls and when she does it’s because you must leave threatening voice mails, she than calls late at night in the hopes you do not pick up.  Leaves a message to call back only to get the answering service telling you the office has been closed since 4pm.  This literally goes on for a week straight.

Friday – I had called the day before advising to gather my medical records and tests (films) so that a specialist can have a go at them.  This specialist would then schedule any surgery/treatment required.

Nurse KillJOy leaves me a message that all will be there at 8am.  On that morning I decide to make the best of it and be happy.  To ensure this I purchase and drink 2 Venti coffees.  I am WIRED and Chatty.  I get to the office to be told Nurse KillJOy did not leave my records out and will not be in until 10am.  She arrives thereafter only to be told my tests were never there, she lied.  I was tranquilized…let’s leave it at that.

The following week, I am a wreck daily.  I now have to find a specialist since the one waiting the week before is not available.  I also had to track down my own records and retrieve them.  Clearly I was not myself.

One weekday I am hungry which after the prior week is rare.  Bloodboy offers to get pick up lunch. PAUSE

PAUSE REASON:  I need to add that Bloodboy often offers to get lunch, but like a woman with her period he changes his mind and I end up getting my own lunch and late.

END OF PAUSE:  This particular day he is going early to the company cafeteria.  I SAY that I want a turkey burger but for unknown reasons I write on the note a veggie burger.  I had to write the note because the whining Nelly aka; Bloodboy was afraid he would forget the words Turkey Burger.

He comes back with the lunch.  I open the tray cover and am confused.  It’s indescribable, but I think to myself that this place has a tendency to change EVERYTHING to make it gourmet.

I take a bite and the first thing that registers my taste buds and brain is RICE.  WHAT THE FUCK IS RICE DOING IN A BURGER???? I chew once more and something crackles.  I spit it out, actually gag to make sure it all comes out.

I REALLY look at it, take off the bun and lettuce……..it’s VOMIT made into a patty.  That’s the best I can do.  And there are small dark things that resemble mice turd a bit too much.  It took all I had not to throw up.

Bloodboy goes into full disclaimer. ‘YOU wrote it on the note. It was the LAST ONE, it must be good.’ My snarl must have been enough warning.

I ate fries for lunch with Sprite.  Mentally cursing that useless Bloodboy with every bite.

Things known about me:  I am CARNIVORES.  ALL FUCKING MEALS HAVE MEAT! Seriously…if the plane crashes in a remote place….leave me 3 days food and run my little LAMB chop!  COMMON SENSE! It should have meat in it.

Veggie burgers are for weakass people that think only animals are alive.  I am pretty sure all those living vegetables are screaming they just don’t have vocal chords.  Plants die; hence they were alive!

What DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER puts RICE (a grain for those of you that don’t know) in a VEGGIE burger!  And what the FUCK is the black things?????? (NO! Don’t tell me). 

I think someone collected puke, put rice and gluten to hold it together, made a patty, STOMPED on it and decided….YEAH! DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS WOULD EAT THIS SHIT!

$7.00 value meal my PUERTO RICAN ASS!  Speaking of which….really….I did not earn this ass by eating VEGGIES!

July 07, 2011

G+ Chat: What is Google Plus?

G+ Chat: What is Google Plus?: "One week of testing Google Plus ( Google+ from here on) has left me confident that this is no Wave or Buzz. People 'get' Google+. It's intu..."

July 06, 2011

AndMore…Coming or going?

One can not imagine all the crap that tortures my mind.  I shall make a list:

Son enlisting

Health

Economy

Commute

Bills

Family

Why Law & Order UK is not recording on the Tivo crap thing

Will Sookie and Eric get it on?

Humanity

My morbid thoughts as of late

How many calories did that Mocha Caramel Frapuccino have?

Does the liquid body wash really smell like Lysol or is it me?

Oh….and there’s more, but I want to get to the meat of the story….

I loaded some music on my Phone/Mp3. Windows Mobile GPS sucks but the MP3 ROCKS!  I am taking my mind off of the ‘list’ and walking with a groove.  Ne-Yo, Pit Bull, J-Ho and the likes.  I get on the path and I get off the wrong stop….It’s OK because I am not thinking of death, I am not thinking of economy or commute or why HBO didn’t keep to the book and have Eric run naked through the woods.  I get on the next path and arrive at NY.  I am really getting the groove – FERGIE, London Bridge (Oh yeah baby, there was some serious ass shaking going on).

Subway – I walk (well maybe dance) my way to the turnstiles and it doesn’t move.  I try again and it’s stuck.  I go to another one, then another and another.  I notice people are staring, they are not moving in this rush hour.  I try another.  NOTHING!  I pull the ear plugs out and the Rican in me gets out.  MOTHER FUCKER!  They raise the prices! Lay off People and they can’t even grease these FUCKING TURN STILES.  I start beating one with my bag when an MTA token booth clerk speaks behind me ‘Ma’ am? Please stop beating MTA property.’

MTA Property? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?  IT doesn’t WORK. LOOK. I slam myself into the turn stile.

He smiles…’I thought you were the worst toll evader I had eever seen, but you’re just CRAZY.  YOU…MUST…PAY…TOLL’ and with that he points to where one would normally swipe the metro card.

For some reason I thought today it was free!  I smiled, took a little bow (hopefully the nosey motherfuckers watching would think it was one of those NY stunts) and I swipe the card and RUN to the stairs that will take me to the train.

I sit and realize what is playing from my MP3, ear plugs dangling over my shoulder….KE$SHA – This place about to BLOOOOOWW!

And that folks covers my morning. Early morning. I fear the rest of the day.