AndMore...The call (text) signal went out! SOS, Hate consumes me.

I have 3 friends that I meet with at least 5 times a year.  We don't live close and our busy lives keep us from seeing one another often.  On occasion, we meet, eat, drink and share.  Well...they do, I pretty much limit what I share.  It's not out of lack of trust, just my nature.

One of them a long time ago came up with the 'bat call', the signal that we drop everything and meet, one of us is in dire straights.  In 15 years those calls came in the form of calls, text or emails.  For the first time in 15 years, I sent the 'bat call', a group text to the girls.  Hate consumes me.  That's it.  I laid on my sofa crying and waiting.

One hour and forty five minutes later I get a text, 'open the door or we'll break it down'.  They came with goodies.  As I went up the stairs and headed straight for the sofa, (names are changed) Lulu got some glasses, Everly some small plates and Sonia put on some spa music for background effect.

As Lulu handed me the glass and I smelled the Pinot Grigio, Everly handed me a plate with cookies.  Cookies are my weakness.  Pinot Grigio my secret favorite wine.  I got up and dumped the wine, dumped theirs as well, emptied what was left in the bottle and threw it out, the cookies met the same fate.

"I HATE COOKIES AND PINOT, I HATE GREEN GRAPES.  I NEVER WANT ANY OF IT AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE."  I cried like an Oscar winner in the category of best crier in a soap opera.

I think of their look now and can't help smiling.  Confusion, fear and finally 'oh yeah, the bitch lost it' look.

I sat on the floor of my living room and started telling my story.  A story I kept to myself and shared with no one.  I talked without stopping, not even the sobs could stop me.  I don't know when but at some point they had sat on the floor around me and hugged me.  Never a word spoken.  Amazing really since together we are chatter boxes.  And most opinionated Sonia was left speechless.

"I wasted 10 years even though I knew what would happen.  I fought the inevitable knowing I would lose.  In the process those things I favor are bitter and rotted on my tongue and heart."

Lulu, the sweetest of us..."G, love hurts that's a given.  But only when it's not meant to be. You say you have no hope.  Girl, only the ones with the greatest of hope would spend 10 years on a lost cause."

Everly, no nonsense Everly... "He took advantage of your feelings. He's a prick. A dick.  He doesn't deserve you or anyone with a heart.  Where does he live, I'll tell Ben to kick his ass."  (It's scary, I know she was serious).

Sonia, so fierce a woman her husband took self defense classes, just in case... "I wish I could love the way you do.  You don't love often but when you do you don't hold back.  Don't you dare hate that.  Hate the fact that it leaves you vulnerable. But, if anyone can strengthen from it, it's you.  You didn't waste 10 years, he did. A lot has happened in those 10 years.  Not just this.  I'm throwing out that garbage, take a moment and throw him out too."

Funny, through the years I am the one with the direct statements.  Logical, to the point and said with heart.  This time I sat there receiving it.  Even though it made sense and I know they are right, I still held on to despair, if but just for that night.  They left with a promise.  "Before the summer is gone, we are going out.  The mountains, museum, gallery and top off the night with Guinness".  All of my favorites that hasn't been ruined.

I learned a few things

• You don't ever really know a person, ever.  They will continue to surprise you. 
• Love does hurt.  Heartbreak is not just a word.  There is actual pain. 
• That same love can turn off like a switch.  All it takes is the curtain of illusion to fall and for you to see the person in their real form.
• Green grapes, Pinot and cookies are a dangerous mix.
• Hearing the truth is painful but necessary.
• No matter how much I feel otherwise right now, I won't give up on love.
• I did waste 10 years of my heart, but I accept full responsibility and will never let it happen again.
• Everyone should have the 'bat call', it could save you from your own agony.
• Hate will only consume me, if I let it.  My new fight begins.

AndMore.....Opinions, interruptions, know it alls OH MY!

I wasn't sure whether to categorize this under AndMore or Despicable They.  I chose AndMore due to the fact that it is a consistent habit.



Opinions
Long gone are the times when one could answer the question, How are you feeling? and not get a medical report.........from a non medical person.

How are you feeling leads to this:
Answer - A slight headache but otherwise OK.
Medical advise without lubrication - Have you had a scan?  What meds are you taking?  Have you tried (enter list of headache medication), my sister/brother/spouse/child/friend of a thousand friend had the same problem (enter massive detail of how the person came to a close painful death).  By the time the person shuts up your headache is a full blown migraine.
How about admitting you don't know shit about medical issues, for arguments sake let's just use the lame excuse that you did not go to medical school.
How about you just listen, express empathy even and move on to the next conversation.  Unless of course you are asked for your non medical input.  At which point the whole migraine is well deserved.



Interruptions
Are you able to complete a conversation?  A thought?  A topic?  I am having serious issues with this one.  I am surrounded by people that have decided three words in a sentence is enough for them to know exactly where you are going with a conversation.  It's like texting with words.  There is a word cap and no one has spread the news on what that count is.

I am very blunt, if a serious run on talker is about to let loose on a war and peace conversation, I tell them to keep it to 5 words or less.  Basically I am not interested so how many words they use won't matter.
But to cut people off to just have your own conversation then later assume you understand the person is just confusing to me.  I long for a neon sign on my forward that lights up and says STFU, I'm still talking.  Actually I have to verbalize that, I'M STILL TALKING!!!!  The art of conversing is a lost one.



Know it all
These people are the worst.  Usually Type A personality.  They just want to take over everything, conversation, where to go, how to get there, what to have when you are there, how to do the job, how to walk, talk, how to exist.  The most insecure people are the type Know it alls.  You can't have a conversation with these people either.  If you complain about something just to vent, they think they are the solution.  Usually creating a bigger issue for you in the process.

It doesn't matter your skill, likes or even who you are.  They will make you better, stronger and able to leap large buildings.  Because they think they have mastered how.  This bunch just makes me sick.  They are obstacles in others lives.  Causing delays, detours and blaming all others for it.

I am an observer, I don't feel the need to take over a party or gathering.  I rather watch and listen.  Learn people and see who I have something in common with and who I should avoid like the plague.  I write, therefore I observe.  I don't feel the need to walk around as if I am the Joker.  A scar of a smile on my face.  My face shows my emotions, an indicator if you will.  When happy I smile, when sad or angry, I don't smile. See....easy!

Hypocrisy is something I never learned, will adapt to or accept as an excuse.  Even with work, if I don't like you, I will work with you, because I have to.  But I will not have conversations with you outside of work.  Not even about the weather, unless it has something to do with work.

Life is too short to spend it playing a part and learning a script.  Everyone counts, if you like to be heard then you need to learn how to listen.  If you don't like being interrupted, you must learn how not to interrupt, if you like it, find another that does as well and have the best conversation you deserve.  You don't know it all, actually no person on this earth, knows it all.  All has not even happened yet.



Do you impose your opinions on others?
Do you interrupt others when they speak?
Do you believe you know it all?

Well STOP IT! and while you're at it STFU!

the definition of .........Wedding

Wedding - the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials.

Oh, where to begin with this monster of a topic.  Well, I guess with the disclaimer.  I am not bitter about weddings, marriage or having a great time.  I am however saddened at the reality of how people define a wedding.


The best wedding I have been to in the last 10 years and I have been to many, was a simple wedding of 50 people.  The couple were not poor, but not rich either.  They planned on a home that would fit kids as they wanted a few.  That was their goal, after getting married that is.  They also wanted a month long honeymoon.  They both worked grueling hours and to meet their home and family goal, they were not giving that up for at least two years, so they wanted an extended honeymoon. They didn't expect anyone to pay for any of it.

Instead of renting a hall, they paid one of their co-workers for the space of their very large (acres) yard.  I mean the damn site should not be called a yard.  They had most of the food catered, but since they loved cultural food, they were open to the idea of people bringing a main dish of their culture.  It was not required.  One of the gifts from the best man was to purchase and have sent an insane amount of booze.  One of the our friends taking a baking class for like EVER, made the cake.  I actually teared when I saw it, The Cake Boss would have been envious of that creation.

The music was a combination of a local band and a DJ.  I danced till my feet went numb, so did most of the guests.  Mass conversation was had since it was an intimate setting, I have several acquaintances and social friends that were made that day.  The best part (well other than the vows) was that neither bride or groom stressed over planning 'their' day.

The bridesmaids were given full control over Bachelorette party and bridal shower.  They kept it to the simple theme the bride is known for.  They also kept it within realistic budget.  The grooms men did as well.

I speak with the bride often throughout the years and never, not once, has she ever mentioned what she got in total or part in reference to money from that day.  She was however very gracious with handwritten notes to show her appreciation for all gifts received.

Just one wedding.  In ten years.  Just one that I remember and smile, that I consider the best.


Now a days even the wedding party needs to take out a loan for a wedding.  Brides won't settle for a bachelorette party, instead it's destination party or a weekend at the beach.  Expenses payable by wedding party.  The demands on the bridesmaids and their bank accounts is just insane.  The stress, the anger, the resentments all leading to the big day that is now commonly referred to as 'her' day.  Insane!

You rarely hear of the vows, it's the dress, the flowers, the food, whose wedding was better, larger, more expensive.  For the past year I just put a big fat 0 when I get invitations, frankly I am amazed I get them when anyone that knows me will know I don't fall for the hype.  And don't even think about asking me to be in a wedding!  I bailed out on the last two.  One bride demanded a certain gift that cost upwards of $3K and she only had 3 bridesmaids.  A thousand dollars just on the gift?  She wanted an extended weekend down the shore (another $2,000 just for the room) and gladiator heels.  Another bride wanted a destination wedding during a time I was moving out of state.  I couldn't handle the expense so I bailed shortly after being asked and immediately after she announced they decided on a destination wedding.  She was so upset I didn't take out a loan I never heard from her again.  Both of those brides are no longer married.  Wasted money!


I love Sex in the City show and movie.  I miss it really.  One of the movies was Carrie Bradshaw finally getting married to Big.  SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!

He couldn't go through with it.  Not because of her, their relationship or even love.  He couldn't go through the insane wedding it turned out to be.  As she put it 'the wedding became bigger than big'.  When they finally got back together it was just them and the justice of the peace.  Their guests were other couples waiting their turn to get married.

How many 'weddings' end up ending a marriage?  How many are debt long before saying I do?  How many have changed into the bridezilla and/or groomzilla over what is no longer called a ceremony but an Event?

I love the David Tutera show.  Seeing his creations is just amazing, but I still believe it loses the essence of it all.  Two people, madly in love, wanting to get married and begin their lives together.  Throwing a party afterward for their friends and family to partake in.


Even the chore of invitations is insane.  Inviting people just because they will give a greater check, people you don't even like and worst of all people you barely know.  The highlight at the end is counting the money bag and hoping if you didn't break out even you made out with extra loot.


I don't know about you but I rather spend my money wisely and without pressure.  I won't even get into what baby showers are turning into now.

The angst with weddings is getting out there....have a read....

Men are saying no to participating in the wedding party
http://www.today.com/money/sorry-bud-i-cant-afford-be-your-best-man-6C10265350

Why weddings suck
http://likes.com/comedy/15-reasons-not-to-get-married-just-yet?utm_term=24589612&utm_campaign=ml&pid=106039&utm_source=mylikes&utm_medium=cpc&v=eyJjbGlja19pZCI6IDExNjEwNTkxOTgsICJwb3N0X2lkIjogMjQ1ODk2MTJ9&upsell=1

Those that regret the cost
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/married-bees-do-you-regret-spending-so-much-on-your-wedding#axzz2WDnsqmRo

Impact of the cost
http://20somethingfinance.com/average-wedding-cost/

So..... Is it all about the wedding?  Is it about the bride and groom? Is it about the guests?  Even if the answer is yes to all 3 questions it doesn't have to cost the amount of a down payment to a house.

The definition of.....Friendship

All to often I see and hear people use the word friend as an extra adjective to be used often with little meaning behind it.  Worse yet using it as flattery.

Let's have a look at the definition of each type of friend -

Friend A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Acquaintance One's slight knowledge of friendship with someone. Social friend A social friend may be one you often meet at social occasions, or one who many accompany you to social gatherings, but with whom you don't have a personal relationship. You know much more about each other than you would a mere acquaintance, but much less than if you were personal friends.

It is seen as an insult to call someone a social friend.  Even worse to refer to someone as an acquaintance.   It is the norm to upgrade people to brother, sister, mother, etc.  I mean.... FRIEND is such a powerful word, meaningful and if found just right...everlasting.  Yet, some treat it like a title similar to having one at a company or like a prostitute, available for the right price.

Long gone (for the most part) is the reality that a friend is a special bond between two people, with time, effort and caring it lasts.  It's a relationship that needs nurturing.  Friends don't need the BF in front of it.  Friends are there and accept you the way you are, they tell you the truth about you when you are in denial.  Friends keep your secrets even if a hired hit man comes to try to get it out of them.

An acquaintance is no less someone to care for, it's just that they are not that close.  Acquaintances can be someone you met from a friend, a person you work with and sometimes hang out with, a drinking buddy where you drink and be merry but share very little personal things.  You share a flare for enjoying life...on occasion.

A social friend is someone that you have a similar interest with, for example I have a social friend where for 18 years our passion for poetry allows us to meet and go to poetry events.  We pretty much don't know much about each other but the basics.  One may probably not have much else in common, but that one thing or two is enough to meet every so often.

None of my friends are considered family.  They are my friends, I may extend myself in the same capacity as I would family, but because I care for them deeply, not because I adopted them.  I have no brothers and I have a 'friend' that if I had a brother I would wish were like him.  I love him deeply and would do as much for him as I would and have done for family.  He is my friend.  I already see friend itself as the best, so I don't need to add BF.  He just is.  We share parenting nightmares, work issues and laugh about anything.  We are both pretty open so there are no secrets to keep, but we don't share each others personal lives with others.  If he feels the need to share something personal I said with his wife, he always asks (it's usually the crazy shit that happens to me).   She is an angel.  She understands our friendship and encourages we keep in touch.

In my life I have had friends come and go and rarely is the occasion when the difficult decision is made to step out of a friends life.  Great measures are taken not to, but there are those times when I've had to resort to stepping away.  My heart still aches for each and every one of them, but my decision is as solid now as when I made it.  There is no room in my life for anyone that brings misery, pain or malice.

I am blessed enough to have a handful of each - friend, acquaintance and social friend.  Maybe not enough to rent a small city for space but enough to keep me grounded.

Friendship takes work, it takes building upon and checking the foundation for strength.  It's a relationship and both parties are responsible for keeping it alive.  A friend is a treasure and one does not abandon treasures.  If you treat a treasure with little value you will soon have none.  It is the same with the relationship called friend.

Jada Smith said it best in an interview with Redbook magazine - "the idea that good relationships don't need work is a romanticized (notion)...."

Even better is what the editor wrote on the same topic - "What I learned putting this issue together: Women run on girlfriend power. Recharge daily! -Jill Herzig, Editor in Chief

I would add to that - NOT just women, everyone would run on friend power.  Everyone should Recharge daily.

Whether you are a friend, acquaintance or social friend to someone....are you nurturing that relationship?  Respecting and appreciating them?  Or is it all about you?

AndMore...Let's talk interviews and it's pet peeves

Let's talk interviews and it's pet peeves

You see all these articles on LinkedIn, FB and blogs on how to land an interview, what to say at an interview and not to say....the list goes on.

My pet peeves are four questions from an interviewer:

1.  If you were a tree which would you be?

2.  If you were an animal which would you be?

3. Why do you want this job?

4. Why are  you leaving your present job?

Let's play - In a perfect world!  You know, where no matter what you did or said a good outcome was found.  In this perfect world one could answer in a manner that would end those stupid questions and you still get the job.

Let me show some examples.

Interviewer:  If you were a tree which would you be?

Interviewee:  I wouldn't want to be a tree!  I mean what the fuck for?  You keep growing to the point of a nose bleed, on some seasons a woodpecker pecks the shit out of your ass, squirrels crap on you, birds lay eggs on you.  Have you seen  newly laid eggs?   It's got sticky shit on it! Your gnarly hand roots are growing in dirt wrapping itself around ancient rocks in agony that you can't go anywhere.  For hundreds of fucking years!

No!  I rather be that wild weed that grows everywhere...I mean it's about team work, right?  Just grow right in with different plant species and take over!  Grow around them and keep them in line.  Weed man!  Fuck the tree!

Interviewer:  If you were an animal which would you be?

Interviewee:  Well, not an eagle, I mean they eat mice  YOU want eat mice all your life?  You want to be that fucking bird that grabbed the newly born kitten, flying off with it while it's mother cries out an agonizing meow?

Not a lion or panther, I mean do you watch those animal channels??  They run after weaker animals, grabbing them by the legs, ripping their ass off!  Do you want to be an ass eater?  Don't even get me started on the intestines.

Not an elephant either.  Have you seen the male shlong???  You want that?  A female elephant doesn't want to be an elephant!

A tick.  I would be a tick.  Just jump on, drink blood at will like you have a sippy cup.  Give the itches... I mean that's motivating....right?

Interviewer:  Why do you want this job?

Interviewee:  Don't be so presumptuous!  Why should I take this job, now that's a question.

Interviewer:  Why are you leaving your present job?

Interviewee:  Well hell!  It's too fucking fantastic to keep!  I mean, why not let someone else get dibs on that fucking lottery....right?  I mean....it's about empowering others.....right?

I'm sure that interviewer would stop asking those stupid questions.

I wish it were a job to go to interviews just to say that...and for a nominal fee, I WOULD!  I mean.... like I said.....it's about empowering others.....right?

*grins*

AndMore.....Silence! A virtue or a keep out of jail card?

Silence, they say is a virtue.  I say, it can keep one out of jail.

Lately, I have been reconnecting with long lost friends, acquaintances and social friends.  One of which said.....G, you've become pretty quiet, I mean you always have something to say, what's going on?

I know she thought my silence was due to some problem or stress, but the reality is......I have lost interest in speaking with people, at least for the most part.

I used to see this guy that for years we were able to speak, to laugh, to share stories and horrors.  Rarely if ever we had quiet moments.  About two years ago he started cutting me off, if we spent 4 hours together he did most of the talking and the little I did was basically sounds effects one makes to let the other person know you are paying attention.  If I mentioned it he would apologize, listen for all of 2 minutes and take over the conversation.  For a long time after that, I rarely spoke.  I don't know what bothered me more, the fact that he didn't notice or the fact that I would do so.

I am constantly surrounded by people that don't let you finish speaking, in most cases they aren't even cutting you off to share a similar topic, rather just changing the whole conversation.  At work I see people do this to one another, it is amazing how many unfinished conversations people have on the other hand it explains the mass miscommunication I also notice, daily.

I can't tell you how many times I have said 'I need to talk', not want ----- NEED and end up writing about it in my journal.  In hindsight  It's actually better not to talk to anyone.  Things like confidence, trust and loyalty a thing of the past.

I can't tell you how many times I say on a daily basis 'I'M STILL TALKING' or 'I'M NOT FINISHED'.  This is just a couple of sentences into a conversation.  For those of us that miss the losing art of communicating verbally.... we are outnumbered.

It's not a silent protest, it is just the fact that I won't waste time starting a conversation or joining one where you end up racing to finish a sentence, let alone a thought out loud.  It's just long hand writing, I miss it but I have learned to live without it while watching the art of communicating wander off.

The excitement in long hand correspondence was in waiting for the post to arrive, opening the envelope and relaxing while reading the words of another.  The excitement of grabbing quill/pen to paper and writing back.

We are a minute society.  If it takes more than a minute the brain is elsewhere.  We don't let a conversation marinade, which leaves most to assume what another meant or felt.  Miscommunication!!!

After speaking this with her she laughed and said..... "THERE SHE IS"!

I had to laugh at that too.  My rant had less periods and paragraphs when I said it.  Her take on it was simple...........

'G... If someone can't take the time to listen or the respect to converse then just give them what they want.  Give them their time, walk away.  If at our age we haven't learned the basics we're not going to learn it now.  It reminds me of what my Grandmother used to say. "Stupid people don't listen, hear or think.  They just talk and talk".'

She's right!  This is why we can talk to one another, we learned the basic, one talks the other listens, partakes and it goes on back and forth.  In a great conversation one or both walk away with a little more knowledge.

It is rare when I can sit with someone and just talk, recently I went to brunch where I didn't realize hours had passed.  Well, of course it did, there was a great conversation was had and both parties got to share in it.  There have been other times, just sparse.  I mean... it should a constant thing.....like....etiquette.

I miss having conversation.