Inspiration me...Master Key 7:4...Worry not

Master Key 7:4...Worry not about who you used to be or who you have always been. Fill that space instead with excitement about who you are becoming.  ~Inner Power Wisdom Cards by Dr. Antonina M.

Interesting to pull that card.  I was just speaking of that last night.  About how I need to stop letting the emotions, negativity and issues of others dictate who I should be.  That I had practiced and taught a level of positiveness that I need to get back to.  Then I pull that card, an affirmation.

Reminds me of something someone once told me. 'becoming like your peers makes you more of a detail lost in landscape, than the person you were meant to be.'  Oh wait, the person who said that was me.  To a young teenager who was vastly becoming like the hostile peers she was spending time with.

It would do me good to remember my own analogies.  It would do me well indeed.....

Are you lost in the details of landscape?  Or are you part of the story that unfolds in the view of master piece painting?  Better yet.....are you the artist?

Remembrance...Positive

Remembrance...yesterday marked another anniversary of Dad's death.  As people went on their usual rants and petty complaints of the day, I went through it with an agony words can not describe.

They say time heals all wounds.  I say - not all wounds.  The pain hasn't dulled one bit.

A surgeon, trying to calm me spoke stories that did exactly that.  It calmed me.  He spoke of his wife who endured Chemo and Radiation and still died of cancer.  That was the last sentence he spoke negatively, he then took me into a lovely walk through his memory.  Nostalgia lane was beautiful.

'We were made for each other.  Perfect for each other.  We had the same sense of humor.  We laughed together.  We had kids, they are all grown now.  We didn't fight.  We had small arguments over who was spoiling what child too much, but nothing more than that.'

'We had this running joke for decades.  I would call her, Come here, you have to look at this, hurry! And she would stop whatever she was doing and rush over.  I would be standing in front of the mirror saying Look at that gorgeous man.'  (He would get her every time with that one).  One day she turned the tables and played that joke on him.  His smile while telling that particular story is one I shall not soon forget.

He spoke of how depressed he was to lose her and barely functioned.  How his daughter announced she was pregnant, the first of several grandchildren. 'My grandchildren saved my life.'  That was the moment I choked back tears.

He's a small surgeon with an ageless face.  He speaks with a hushed tone as if too many years of talking exhausted his vocal chords. 

The next day was March 2nd and the thoughts of Dad overwhelmed me.  Throughout the entire day, whether via email, text, phone or in person; people did nothing but complain.  The economy, the lack of raise, the boss that has it in for them, the spouse or lover that did them wrong, the house they can't afford, the lack of attention.....blah blah blah

I barely spoke throughout the day, too exhausted for even words.  It's been four years - my family don't even mention my father.  When I speak of him, it mostly feels as though people react in a sense of (let it go).

He was a good man.  He had a great sense of humor.  Dad used to always say 'Kiddo, no matter what happens in life, don't lose your sense of humor.'  When sickness took his sight he still would put the cartoons on and laugh. He's worth remembering.  I could speak to him about anything.  I miss him, every... single... day.

That surgeon made me realize that he kept his wife alive.  With each story to his patients he kept her memory alive.  He learned to embrace those memories and cherish the person she was.

I wish he would teach that, many would do well to learn.

I sat across from a co-worker; beer in hand. 'You can't ask anyone these days a simple opening statement like How are you?  because you are taken into the realm of their colonoscopy, marital woes, financial distress, work issues or anything and everything that is negative.'  He laughed but then paused and said 'You know, you're right.'

I'm sick of all the negativity.  Just out right SICK with it.  Nobody has a single positive thought or the rare ones that do, over shadow it with a hundred negative ones.  If Evil were banking on negativity to win its war, sadly, Evil is close to the prize.

Positive...where oh where have you gotten to? 

Who are you?  Do you even know?  Are you nay saying the day away?  Are you taking down anyone else with your downer parade?  Are you so miserable that it has become fun to make others as well?  Or are  you brave and strong enough to kick negative in the ass and put on a brilliant smile and let goodness have a chance at winning?

Really?  Which one are you???

Inspiration me...Mastery Key: 49:4

Master Key 49:4; Desire nothing. Intend everything. deck by Dr. Antonia Martinez

Sounds so simple...doesn't it?  But it isn't.  Desires creep in and linger, gnawing at your wants and realizations.  I have not given classes on intentions in about a year.  Good thing too since I lack the enthusiasm required for intending.

To make an intent is to believe heart, mind and soul that it will be.  To desire, one longs for and may doubt in receiving something.  I am on that fence, the one that clearly shows the green on one side and the dry brown grass on the either...yet...still...I linger on that fence.

I shall work on my intending everything.  I shall work on it very hard.

Are you working on intending everything.

Inspiration me...Inner power wisdom cards...birds

Master Key 9:2 - They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  What bird is in your hand? Are you clutching it to death in fear of losing it or are you giving it the gentle support it needs to grow?

It's interesting that I get this card for two reasons.  1.  There is a comical commercial on TV about that one line phrase.  2.  I am doing exactly what the card implies.

I am not just giving gentle support for growth, but am accepting where there is no growth and letting go.  Moving on and embracing that whilst there is breath in me, there is more out there.

I clutch at nothing.  I stand with open arms and open hands allowing, accepting and growing.  I shall not lie, the process is as best painful, at worst numbing, but getting there is rewarding.

Inspiration me...today I will...Inner wisdoms

today I will...(trusting in life) - trust that the events occurring in my life are not random. My experiences aren't mistakes, and the Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I'm going through exactly what I need to go through to learn something valuable--something that will prepare me for the joy and love I'm seeking. ~language of letting go - Melody Beattie

I am a worthwhile Human Being - You are always a valuable worthwhile Human Being - not because anybody else says so, not because you're making lots of money -- but because you decide to know it. ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

It has taken many years to understand the logic behind trusting life.  To know that no matter the horrors, trials and error to get to where I need to be.  A true preparation that can only come from knowledge and experience.  I guess a way to appreciate and not take for granted the treasures that await you.

I see two kinds of people daily, the Divas and the Low Esteemed.  Rarely do I see the in between, the ones that are confident in who they are, the ones that know they are valuable worthwhile Human Beings.  It is so easy for people to be so negative, to point out flaws and to churn the gossip mill.  The true strength in character is when you point out the positive, the characters brilliance and keep from speaking ill.

Because we each should know how much a treasure we are and how to trust life.

'How do you plaaaan life?' from the movie My Life in Ruins.

Most times when people ask how I am doing, I say fine.  But I mean F.I.N.E. (Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional)
BUT....I know I am that much closer to answering fine...as in the word and not the acronym.

Inspiration me.....today I will.....achieving clarity in my relationship

today I will...remember that even the best relationships have low points. If the low point is the norm in my current relationship, I may have to consider if I want it to continue. If the low point is temporary, I will practice understanding. I know that I will achieve clarity and make the right decision.

Sometimes a gypsy with a glass table from a stone that when you look into it, you fall into an abyss of purple wonder, is what you need to realize.......you need to get the F out of some relationships.

A couple of years ago Oprah Winfrey had a segment on Energy Vampires, those that literally suck the energy out of you.  Get them the F out.

The ones that linger only to see what they can get from you.  Get them the F out.

The ones that can't make up their mind where you fall in their lives.  Get them the F out.

The ones that see you as a dollar sign.  Smack the shit out of them, THEN, get them the F out.

The ones that use love, trust and caring.  Get them the F out.

Then - take a moment - look at that cleaned out closet and imagine all the wonderful new people you will have.  Then - achieve clarity and make the right decision; knowing people who don't have your best interest at heart, won't stop you or create such negativity that stops you.

Get them the F out and 'achieve'.

AndMore.....Commuting while nature is angry

I've written many times of the trials and tribulations of my commute.  It just doesn't matter anymore what city, commuting from NJ to NY and vice verse is horrendous since the cut backs, not to mention expensive.

Add to it snow, sleet, 'arctic' freeze, bitter cold and icy dangers to complete the horror show that is commuting.

Arctic freeze - You stand at the bus stop, at least I am in a town these days where there are several buses to NY.  It's just...they don't show up till well in between one another.  By the time a bus gets from downtown to midtown; it is full.  The tunnel on this day was jammed packed.  People just don't stay home in bad weather anymore.  It is frowned upon or worse yet, due to this economy bosses are really letting their hair down and intimidating people into going in.  Or if you are like me, the reality of the pile of work that will wait for you when you return makes you take the risk.

Short bus trip to Port Authority then the subway.  I don't know what was going on but the subway was packed with tourist as if they were given a ticket from the train to their country - express.

I get to my stop and the 10 block walk begins.  It felt as though it took forever, I know the migraine I got that day lasted as long.

Snow - There is so much snow around that it takes more parking spots then cars.  Whenever it is street cleaning day, I must go around looking for parking, it is rare to find parking on a warm spring day, it is near impossible when there is snow all around and no plowing attempts to remove it.

Ice - Yesterday was just an adventure.  Sidewalks frozen, streets frozen, hell even the trees were frozen.  I didn't walk - I slid from block to block.  Low point of the year thus far????  An old lady had to help me - apparently she was able to root herself into the ice much better then me.  Even helping to hoist me up to the bus since the driver was too FUCKING DUMB to lower it (yes, the bus can be lowered).

This weather ages you.  Your bones hurt, actually all of your body hurts.  Your fingers no matter the gloves will hurt.  The getting off of one mode of transportation to another in full winter layers, the people thinking it is an inconvenience only to them and therefore making the commute that much more terrible with their attitude.

Yes...commuting when nature is angry will age you.  It will bitter a slight your joy with snow.  It will make you see people for their nasty selves, it will remind you that Old Man Winter is a cantankerous FUCK with an ax to GRIND and I hope Spring kicks his MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!!!!

Latin saying.....

There is a Latin saying...No me des la indirecta!

Basically it means 'don't give me the run around'.  I hate indirectas, when people say something that is directed at you but are too cowardly to actually say it to you.

Facebook is a place for many 'indirectas'.  It leaves the person to later say 'it was not meant for you'.

Text and email are the cowardly ways of communication for indirectas too, one can then say that you got it wrong, even when it is obvious.

The young today don't understand that phrase, yet it applies to them often.  Not to say it doesn't apply to any other generation, but young adults don't understand the viral repercussions of their virtual 'indirectas', I handle those simply by un-friending them.  I mean I open facebook for many reasons, indirectas is not one of them.

The irony is that mostly you see/read a persons ignorance.  Virtually stamped for many to see.  I shake my head at the stupidity of it all.

Inspiration me...Dragon girl

I watched a movie that shook me to the core.  The Girl with the Dragon tattoo.  I have heard of the book, the drama of the author who is deceased and the wild fire effect the trilogy has had.  Still....I had no interest in it.  Then came the rental.......

As I walked in that Arctic weather this morning to get to work, I was thinking of that movie, just as I did while trying to fall asleep last night.  We take things for granted.

The author who was a journalist wrote of the main character Lisbeth who portrays a girl who was gang raped in front of him.  His guilt in not helping the girl led him to write after work and create these novels.  Clearly his writing shows his disdain for violence against women and he has made Lisbeth a character that is both victim and hero.

So...back to walking.  I was thinking that we just don't appreciate enough, this society of whiners.  We feel we 'deserve' (a far cry from earn) things.  One look at this movie tells us why appreciating is important.  Anyone could be Lisbeth, be grateful you are not.  Anyone could be Mikael, the endless center of blame.  Both take on their lives in stride, fighting along the way.

For a movie so dark, heart piercing and violent, I found great inspiration in it.

Survival, protection, friendship, kinship, faith, belief, justice, good prevails and much more.

The girl with the dragon tattoo was as fierce and powerful as a dragon, yet merely a small young woman with a horrific past that would visit her present.  Her flame never ceased throughout the movie.

We should be so grateful.  Grateful for what we have, for the very life we have and fight for it.  All that is petty should be left to the side.  Isn't fighting for love, happiness and freedom consuming enough????

Here's my inspiration for today - If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get. ~Frank A. Clark

AndMore...Train wreck

You just don't win in this world, of that I am sure.

It doesn't matter what city you live in (and this Gypsy pretty much is in plenty of them) NYC is a terrible place to commute to.

I get to the subway and as if it isn't bad enough to share platform space with both 2 legged and 4 legged rats, the stench gets worse yearly.  The waiting time between trains is lengthier by the week.  Peddlers are loose, if they are not singing, dancing or preaching then they are speaking a script.  My favorite is the buy that I used to see at the Penn Station.  He has the same story, he has kids in NJ or NY (depending in which direction he is going) and needs just 4 more dollars to get the ticket.  I fell for it the first time.  By the fourth time I was reciting the script with him (he definitely did not appreciate that).

Today the train finally gets there after a 25 minute wait.  That's a long time, the platform gets so full that if you are on the edge chances are a light tap can send you over into the tracks.  I get into the train and am pretty squashed.  I don't know what's worse, the guy with the stench of burping his breakfast or the woman that decided today was a good day to dive in head first into the cheapest fucking perfume.

I put on my headphones and listen to the tunes of Evanescence, nothing like hearing her screaming vocal cords to keep you awake in the morning.  The train stops and I realize the doors don't open, I pretty much don't care since it's not my stop.

Well.....I should've cared.  We were ushered off the train and told to go upstairs to another platform to get to our destination.  Both sides of the platform was closed.  No reason or none that I heard by the time I shut the MP3 player off.

Now this is me we are talking about.  It took a YEAR a FUCKING YEAR for me to find my way around Little Falls, the town is 2.5 miles big.  I decided it would be better to take the bus.

Damn FUCKING bus took 40 minutes to arrive.

As my friends daughter likes to say "Whats the reason?"  I mean, why bother getting up so early if you are going to get work so late????  I could sleep more!!!!!

'The city that never sleeps'  Well, that's because people CAN'T GET HOME! to sleep.  There's the secret to that one.

I still don't know why they did that!  I still don't know why it takes 40 minutes for a bus to arrive in NEW YORK CITY!  I still don't know why I forgot to ask my friend for a belt.

I am wearing jeans that although hug my ass, that same ass pulls them down. I am officially one of those guys that walk around with their skivvies showing, except I didn't wear skivvies, I wore itty bitties.  So my coat (you know Shaneequa) with the rough insides (although warm) has given my ass severe rug burns.  I sit in torture, festering of my ride or lack up, with a dieing need to sit and soak in neosporin.

How's your FUCKING day going????????

Update

Sorry folks, had some issues with getting into my own blog.  I shall be posting all the crap I couldn't write in the last couple of weeks.  Get your bitter juice ready!

Inspiration me...Passion and Purpose

For the new year I have a new deck of cards.  Although still inspirational they are a self work deck.  Healing Man Healing Woman.  The deck comes with a worksheet.  Each card has a negative and positive to a word or words.  You must decide which best describes you, whether it be positive or negative, in which case you need to work on that.

Today's card is Passion and purpose.  Fitting really since my passions have changed and they have changed with purpose.

+ I love what I do.  I feel my life has meaning and I am generally excited about my path and pursuits.
- Overall, my life seems uneventful, unimportant, dispassionate, or without any real meaning.

I don't know whether you see yourself best described in your passion and purpose as a positive or negative, but I feel I fall in both, scarily in an almost equal fashion.

But then again, I had decided at the start of winter (I do not do resolutions rather I seasonally evaluate and see where to improve things) that I would make some serious changes in my life.  Some changes are so tremendous it has affected me.  Other changes are ones that I knew I had to make but waited too long and yet other changes time took care of.

In any case, the inspiration is in knowing that a change must occur and taking the actions to do so, no matter how painful, no matter how many disagree as long as it is for the greater good.  You.

For more information on the cards as well as other decks by Dr. Antonia Martinez, please visit her site:

http://www.healingspirit.com/journal/inner-power/take-the-inner-power-challenge/