AndMore....it just keeps getting better

AndMore....it just keeps getting better


Well, I finalized the Jeep or so I thought so. The auto shop didn't open until 10am due to an emergency. After waiting ALL DAY for donate ur car, they finally called at 6pm to say that they couldn't get there, the service they were using were towing cars in an accident (little did I know the pile up was in on the highway nearby and going home was not possible).

The mechanic showed me the engine and there were many pieces that just combusted. He offered an engine he had, but I am a daughter of a mechanic and know that once another (used and abused) engine is placed you are living in an auto shop. He agreed to handle the paper work with donate ur car on Monday. Donate ur car would send me a receipt in the mail.

We (my driver who must have felt like a hostage) got to my place after 10pm. She lives about an hour away and was too tired to drive home. She was nice enough on Sunday to take me food shopping and to get some things, like a shower head since mine deteriorated while she was about to shower.

I cooked and she ate and decided dinner would be swell, getting rid of her so I can have some time to digest the weekend was just NOT happening. Finally it's evening and she is trailing out and her car is now making a loud noise. Could my luck be contagious????

New shower head in place, I decide to take a shower. It just blows right out of the snout and I nearly drown. I have an old old tub so unless I want rug burns on my azz I had better get some material for the shower. Cab ride to less then 2 miles away Home Depot $15.00 (didn't help Dumb and Dumber were in that car trying to find the place - why ask me for directions?????)

It takes an hour for a cab back ($5.00 trip, this guy was getting off soon to go on a date - hate the baztad). He knew exactly where he was going.

An hour of repairing the shower, I wish I were taller. And finally a nice long hot shower.

Monday morning I get the mail and am summoned for 9 week jury duty, twice a week. Patterson! How the F am I supposed to get there?? Does my job even pay me for that? Why should I serve in the most corrupt state I have been in?????

I decide to clean the bathroom, it's morning and I hear a noise in there. I shut the sink faucet and I'll be damned if it's not the lady upstairs getting tapped so hard I thought that bed was going to crash into my bathroom.

Now....I'm not the quietest bird when the dry spell that is s_ex meets water. But this woman was speaking in tongues. Hate that By_tch! The only time I want to hear that noise is when it's coming from MY bedroom!

I get a call from my sons school, since I moved and cashed what was left of my 401K to handle the move, deposits, etc. The income tax shows that I made too much for him to receive grants like last year. WTF???? It wasn't so much that I was able to purchase a condo. They called to say that it doesn't matter what the money was used for, its income. We must apply for a loan.

I hate Mondays.

An old boyfriend (by old I mean more then a decade) emails me. He found me via Facebook but I kept ignoring his 'be my friend' request. Actually I rarely get on and when I do, I just chat with my niece. He says it's been a while (gee I would say 15 years is a while) and that he just had a thought about me. (Really???? Just like that???)

He and I broke up when after a year I asked 'where do you see this relationship going?' and he answered 'Well, just the way it is. I don't want to settle then find that something better came along.' Straight face and all. I turned - walked and never looked back. After two failed marriages he 'suddenly realized that only one person in his life ever really loved him.' I was curious so I asked 'who?'

'You.' I couldn't help but laugh. I mean really.....really????? I sat and waited for yourgomaniac azz??? You really think that???? I gave him the usual line I give people that find me after a decade or more 'I was not in the witness protection, if you haven't seen or heard from me, it's on purpose. Good luck with your life.'

What a JACKAZZ!
I get an email that night from him. I'm sadistic enough to read it. A long diatribe of how lonely he is and how we are both single and how if I need anything he would be there and maybe I would consider just being friends or ..............here it comes........................ready?????..............Friends With Benefits (FWB). I hit delete, I blocked his account and just shook my head at how life really likes to get a giggle at my expense.

FWB? He never asked of my son, what I have been up to, just right into....hey - sounds like no one is in your bed, no one is in mine, let's fix that 'while I wait for something better to come along). Here's my take on FWB!
We are not friends. In a short span of a few written communications the most you have done is annoy me. As for FWB....I have an outlook of it and here it is:

It's like an all you can eat buffet that has minimal open hours and you get cut off while enjoying that first plateful.

It's also like watching the person in front of you sniffing and poking the food about, you have to fill your plate after them, sit down knowing that more people are sniffing and poking that all you can eat buffet (that really does not allow you to eat all you can eat).
If I were a dinosaur I would be a T-Rex. Nothing would sniff or poke my meat or they would become meat. There would be no time limit, I ate till I was full, then ate some more later. F_uck Buffets! I can cook my own dam_n meal and no one else is sticking their nose, finger or any other body part in it.
Here's my take on 'if you need anything let me know':

One day I am going to choose someone and when they say that just let it rip:

"Well.......since you asked.... I NEED:

A job close to home
College fund
A car
My knee fixed
A relationship with no hidden motives or the 'just settling' mode
A cure for panic attacks
Someone that knows how to scratch that persistent itch between my shoulder blades
A better life
A tv series that doesn't turn into a soap opera
A family that resembles Stepford
Surround sound so I can finally hear that f_ucking TV
A gyn that can remember they are going into tender (and mostly untouched) territory
An online social network system where people can't find you
Local activity for 40+ people that is not Weight Watchers
Insect free world
A psychiatrist that does home visits.......for free
Vi_brator that does not require batteries
Supermarket with parking available (after my new car appears)
Gov. Christi Kreme working in a factory
NY Police to stop searching me in the subways (I mean really.....really??? I look like a threat???)
An espresso machine that doesn't leak all over my counter
A washing machine and dryer

So....................when will you have all that done, Ms. or Mr. If you need anything call me so I can pretend I am unavailable since you should just know that I say that just to sound helpful NOT to actually be helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!????
That's my extended weekend.....how the F was yours????????
~g

You sit and write of all the optimism you can think of.  Poetry, spirituality and even when the moment strikes emotionally.  You hit send and give many a moment of peace, all the while yearning for some.

I know the words that make sense.  Time heal all wounds.  Love and be loved.  Forgive and forget. There is always worse.  Brighter days are to come.

I know the scriptures that would apply.  Psalm 34:19 "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all."  Romans 12:10 "Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another."  Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful and gracious toward their sins and I will remember their deeds of unrighteousness no more."  Have faith and so on.

I know that belief is the power and seed that make things come to life.  But....there are those days and some lengthier then not that make me feel otherwise.

I write of healing yet know first hand that some wounds fester regardless of how you treat it.  I write of love.  Yet barely receive it.  I forgive yet watch the person/s do it all over again only worse each time.  There may always be worse but must I see first hand daily?  Brighter days may be coming, but surely these clouds are not moving.

Perhaps it's time I put the pen and ink down.  After all if you are writing of what should be and yet losing the belief in it, you may as well write in invisible ink.

Perhaps it's time to walk away.  From literally everyone.  After all, if all you have left is a small patch of flesh, a mere bit of heart and depleted soul, do you really have anything left to offer?

Perhaps it's time I became the reader of another writer.  After all, one can not write if they've forgotten how to read.

Perhaps in all this agony, loneliness, pain and misery there is a writer or a person who can either speak or hug the pain away will magically appear and give that old adage a mother tells a child 'there there now, all will be right".  And those words or hug will be the wattage that turns on my darkened belief.

~05/09/2010   ~g

Soul mate? or Prison mate?

I always hear people talk about soul mates (finding them, wanting them, waiting for them), I have issues with soul mate. I always wonder of the young widow. In soul mate theory is she destined to live out the rest of her life alone? 'Oh I met him and he died a month later, the next 40 years will be lonely"..??.. I don't think so........~g



Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown


Friends will keep you sane. love could fill your heart, a lover can warm your bed, but lonely is the soul without a mate. ~David Pratt


I met my soul mate...but he didn't recognize me. ~gracey castro


You came into my life, turned it upside down and now it all makes more sense. ~Kat Given

I asked a friend (a soul mate enthusiast) 'how do you know when someone is the one for you?' 'How do you know it's right?' 'How do you recognize if your heart is just having a sadistic time with the rest of your emotions?' She said, read that book you bought. Page 55. (I guess I should read past page 28)

Page 55 and a few pages more- ~Jessica Shepherd

When it's time to let go......ask yourself....

Are you trying to analyze the person's behavior instead of listening to your heart's simple truth?

Is the person no longer who you thought they were? Do you find yourself wanting to change them into a fantasy, or back into the person you thought they once were?

Do they share the same enthusiasm in spending time with you?

Do you feel good about yourself while with them and when not around them?

Gracey's Journal - 2007


'I've come to the realization that my heart once belonged to Benedict Arnold. She betrays me...leads me to the fountain of love only to find dry sand. She leads me to the world of fantasy where an embrace is ignited by the hearts longing and not just passions call, then I wake up. She mocks me...sending me on a boat in rough waters only to land on an island that is isolated. And the pumping laughter is heard throughout my body. She is vicious this heart of mine.'

But then I think...now I think...is she vicious? Or is my heart just tired of trying to tell me something I refuse to accept?

They say you go through things over and over because you have not learned the lesson needed. Perhaps we must cry Uncle, Uncle and stop. Listen and learn so that we can then admit.......your heart is playing a trick on you. Perhaps instead of waiting and looking we should be stopping and learning; making oneself aware that they don't control the boat, the plane, the speed of light in which you find 'the one' 'the soul mate' 'the love'. We can only drive it and hope the waters are calm and the way is not lost.

Perhaps in any relationship we should stop, listen and learn. Then decide if this path leads to greater lands or if we are circling a canal over and over......

Inspire me this. Does our heart lie? Does it know better? Does it rule us? Does it give us a chance to feel things even temporarily where we would otherwise not feel it at all? I often wonder...then realize like right now...she is quiet as she tends to be when I question her, this treacherous heart of mine.

Perhaps Helen said it best...

Relationships are like Rome, difficult to start out, incredible during the prosperity of the 'golden age' and unbearable during the fall. Then, a new kingdom will come along and the whole process will repeat itself until you come across a kingdom like Egypt...that thrives, and continues to flourish. This kingdom will become your best friend, your soul mate, and your love. ~Helen Keller.

~g

Regret, sorrow and pain

Have you ever done something that you regret?
Have you ever done so thinking the result would change?
Has the memory of it made you so upset?
The levels of morality sinking without range.

Have you looked in the mirror and held your hand to cover?
Made a choice you can't change and yet know you wouldn't?
Have you given so much that you're lost with a lover?
Have you said over and over, you shouldn't, you shouldn't?

Have you ever reached a point of self disgust?
Have you sunk so low you can't recognize your mind?
Did you find a way to walk away? Knowing it's unjust?
Have you been at the crossroad, steets Blind and Find?

How do you walk away? When do you say enough? When?
How do you accept what will not be? When do you find your self respect?
Have you looked back repeatedly to where you've been?
Did you find a way to turn it around without being suspect?

Have you ever cried until you couldn't breathe
Do you ever find a way to stop? To say no more?
Is there a way to do it without causing another to seethe?
I ask you, have you? Tell me...I implore.

Can movies remind you to stop being pathetic?

So.....here I am at 11:00 pm watching for the second consecutive time, The Holiday. Recently I've not only grown attached to the words Iris writes to Jasper, but can relate.

"Jasper, we both know I need to fall out of love with you. Would be great if you would let me try."

Her opening speech speaks of all types of love and her specialty was unrequited love. Boy did she nail that description to the T. But before I begin with that movie, my day started pretty late. I woke to begin my Sunday ritual of a few hours watching classics. Truly those movies are worth mentioning, no FX, so sex to see, just actors actually proving each and every emotion, plot and capturing an audience with nothing else but talent.

'How to Marry a Millionaire'. I find the comedy in that refreshing - every time. Lauren Bacall at her youngest, enthusiastic self. A story of three women on the prowl for millionaire men to marry. Short version, they find millionaires but instead fall in love with men beneath their dreams. Well, for the exception of Lauren who falls in love with a man she thinks works in a gas station, but is in fact a millionaire. Many lessons were learned (the hard way) but with comedy and flare you cheered them on while they learned. You smile as the credits appear knowing you watched something with a bit of a lesson in it. Such as....be careful of what you ask for..... don't judge a book by its cover..... take the time to actually read a book regardless of its cover.

Next was Gentlemen prefer blondes (another with Marilyn Monroe), this one takes a bit to watch as Marilyn was not a good actress but she gave a stellar try. Her role was similar to the previous movie, still looking for a rich man, she does fall in love and marry one, but must prove herself worthy and you are left stunned that she actually manages to. Jane Russell on the other hand, just likes to have fun but falls in love kicking and screaming all the way, ever the rebel her character. But if you pay attention, you learn much from this one as well.

As a parent you learn to let your child (adult that they are) make their mistakes. You learn that not everything is as it appears and some things are actually just as they appear. You learn that old rich men, really just want that young thing and make fools of themselves in the process. Yes... much can be learned if you pay attention to the plot and the details.

I ran some errands and was much surprised to see at the mall many couples, families and children. Smiles and hugs, gifts and laughter made me think that it has been a long, long time since such happiness was seen in public. I went to the makeup section and was given a makeover. I sat there as she asked....what are your plans for valentines?

I smiled and said, "I am actually living it right now….a treat for myself. Then it's off to do some chores." Much to my surprise, she did not do the norm....there was no pity party. She began to chatter of how great she thought it was for me to think of myself first then the chores. The makeover was wonderful; it felt great to be pampered. I bought some items (proof she was good at her job) and was trapped in the mall when even more people showed. Not much of a shopper I maneuvered my way out pouting that I could not stop at Starbucks. Instead of waiting on that line, I chose to go home and make my own. Having seen the Laundromat full when I past I knew I would just go home and handle my chores tomorrow since I had the day off.

And so a great disappointment later from the usual miscommunication (when will I ever learn), I found myself pouring a glass of wine and fighting that foe, Ms. Self Pity. The Holiday movie came on and wheels began to turn.

Again, what she wrote striking a nerve immediately.

"Jasper, we both know I need to fall out of love with you. Would be great if you would let me try."

"This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. "

"And you're not going to be in it."

"But I think what I've got is something slightly resembling, gumption"

And...there it is….the last line. Gumption!!! I can write the goodbyes, speak of strength and plan on moving on. But without gumption you just end up.....

".....feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door."

I was waiting for gumption as if it were on sale somewhere or on a corner with a sign. Maybe up in the sky and would fall right on me.  Silly really.

But......Hollywood classics made it clear today, gumption has not failed to arrive, I fail to see it within me and make it rise.

Who doesn't want to hear what Graham spoke to Amanda.....?”I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU."

But after so many years and still in the same boat less a life preserver, Captain, oars or even the love pining over......I realize that I'm waiting for a Jasper to be a Graham when I should be waiting on nothing and no one while participating in my destiny. I shouldn't throw myself into the preferences of others or grasp for the ideals that don't match my own.

More importantly, Iris got away. She up and left taking the time to find herself. I may not be so fortunate to find someone in another country to swap homes with for a spell. But I am sure I can create that same ocean of a divider with a little…………..gumption.

Yes....Sunday classics are my favorite. Where I can watch from the old movies what some of us still haven't learned and need the reminder of.

~g

Parkinsons daughter - We come from strong stuff

December 17, 2009:  He rolled her away in the wheelchair and slowly the elevator door closed, her eyes as that door separated us will haunt me for as long as I live.  There was a hint of terror that was quickly overcome by eyes of hope.  The steel frame around her head a clear reminder that she was about to embark in a surgery that most would fear with just hearing about it.  Soon, two holes would be drilled through her skull and wires will be inserted.  Part one of a two part surgery that would give her the chance to do something she has not done in years.  Walk.  For years she has shuffled the Parkinson walk, a raspy short drag of the feet in quick successions to reach a destination.  As the disease worsened the shuffle became more of attempts then actual reaching of destination.  Her head now rolled round uncontrollably, the pain from the muscle and nerve exhaustion leaving her with insomnia.  There were times I would see her soul leave her eyes.

Then a chance came by, a chance that arrived in the guise of a mishap while she went for an ordinary appointment to the Dr.  One event unfolded to another and in a few short months she was in an elevator escorted by the surgeon himself to begin the Activa DBS surgery.

I walked to the surgical lounge and sat, stunned, silent.  Visions of waiting from when Dad was in the hospital would enter my mind, and I would push it away.  She WILL survive.  She's made of strong stuff.

December 25, 2009:  It's just great to have Mom staying with me, I picked her up yesterday.  A few side effects has left her at times confused and disoriented.  Not wanting her feeling alone I brought her home with me to spend the next week with her.  She woke early and I made her breakfast.  As I whisked the eggs I watched from the corner of my eyes as she would look at her hands, slowly moving them around.  This is a victory for someone with Parkinson.  She marveled at the ease she was not capable of for well over a decade.  As I cooked the eggs I smiled as I watched her walk back and forth, not with impatience, rather marveling at the fact she was actually walking.  Capable of lifting her feet and walking.  My minds eye remembered that look years ago when my son first learned to walk.

We talked for hours as I baked bread of pumpkin and one of corn.  The aroma filled the kitchen like a warm blanket.  She talked of nothing else but the fact that she felt 'normal'.  How horrible that she had felt anything but normal.  I was saddened to realize I had not picked up on that from her.  I looked at the small staples on her shaved head, two rows three inches apart.  Healing nicely but still a horrific reminder of her ordeal and in a bittersweet way of her getting closer to victory.

Lunchtime came and I wanted her to feel at home.  I made sausages with spaghetti and sauce, I laid out the table settings and poured her apple juice.  Nostalgia my friend of late came by, I remembered as a child asking for milk to go with my spaghetti dinner and Mom pouring it, then changing my mind and asking for juice, it was apple juice she poured with a stern look of annoyance at my constant ability in changing my mind.

She 'walked' to the dining room table and said 'Wow, what service', we laughed.  It hit me, she laughed a natural gigglish laugh I had not heard in a long, long, long while.  Her smile appeared and her eyes sparkled.  For so long I would see the mask, the Parkinson Mask that kept anyone from seeing her true emotions.  I bit back the overwhleming need to cry.

I began Christmas dinner enjoying the fact that I was spending the day doing what I love, cooking.  It is just not as fun when cooking for one.  As I opened the oven to check on the roast I saw once again that she was checking out her walk.  I grinned.  Like a child with a new revelation, she marveled all day long.

The rice was almost done and my son would soon arrive, I set the table and poured myself a glass a wine.  Mom was napping.  Like a child she faught her need for rest, her eyes closing and I watched her struggle to keep them open.  I finally convinced her to sit on the bed with me to talk and in no time she was out for the count.  I got my favorite Indian theme blanket and covered her.  I smiled of that thought as I sipped my favorite spiced wine.  Yes Parkinson, she fights you.  She's made of strong stuff.

I sat back, took a deep breath and before I knew it I began to cry.  I cried.......For the years that disease stole our mother.  For the years we watched her slip away and slowly give up.  We watched as she detached herself from the world and become a recluse too ashamed to go out for fear of the people that would stare at her trembling body, rolling head and shuffled walk.  When she would get stuck mid shuffle too frequently she truly just would not leave the house save for Dr. appointments.  I cried for all the years she could not enjoy life.  I cried for my father who would not see her first victory in decades.  I cried for the grandchildren that did not know the woman she really is.  Trapped in a body that became her cage, she rarely spent time around them.

I cried for those that know this pain.  The pain of a daughter who has witnessed a disease ravage her mothers body, mind and soul.  As I heard a sound and feared it was her waking up, I quickly dried my tears, looked to the heavens for another round of praise and stood.  She was not up yet.  I went to get the serving bowls and nastalgia was still lingering.......Christmas 15 years ago, Mom cooking, her daughters (well three of the four) helping, Dad in the living room with my son, latin music blaring.  I remembered she was distant and we wondered what was wrong, the mask we did not know of, the disease we could not comprehend was so visible in her face and still......she made a holiday dinner and fed her 4 year old grandson with an ease and sadness I would not understand until years later.  She felt it then taking over and we could not understand.

Parkinson you horrible disease you, this woman, my mother, took a stand.  She's made of strong stuff.

One more nastalgic moment before that friend departs, it was that Christmas where I received the first news that my cancer was under control, Dad had held me in his arms and said 'See Kiddo, I knew you would win this fight, you come from strong stuff.'  How I miss him.  How on this day, I miss him as if he passed a day ago and not 2 years.

That's right Dad, I sure did come from strong stuff.  In a few days she will have the next surgery, then she will go for a few weeks of relearning her body.

Dinner is served and I watch as my son looks at his grandmother, she eats enjoying the food, his eyes swell at the site of her head, I see him take in a deep breath and sit proud and tall.  I say to myself as I look at him 'That's right Kiddo, you come from strong stuff.'

Goodbye, Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

You've told me time and again how brave I am; you'll never know the coward I truly am.
I've loved you not just once, twice but thrice our time. Like a milestone I got passed those feelings of mine.
The first time it was really just lying dormant within. In hindsight, how foolish could I have been?
What made that love ever more painful is that your're my best friend. The hurt is not once but twice to mend.
There was a time where bravery touched my soul.  Two friends to meet over dinner; a casual role.
Much care I took to hair and face. I even wore a blouse with beautiful lace.
The heels hurt with each step I took.  This heart of mine with each step...shook.
I ordered wine to soothe my nerves. You took the time to speak your verse.
In love you were as well I see. Your hearts desire was not for me.
Put in a good word for me you asked.  To a mutual friend; that's when I slid on my mask.
A brilliant smile I gave to you. Though my heart crumbled on cue.
No matter my love a friend I am; my word is true. And, to your love I spoke your name anew.
Not an interest she gave to your heart. I was sad for you, for me, for I knew from the start.
How hard it is to love and be loved not. To must accept unrequitted and stained heart.
I took some time away from you. With a  troubled son a move was due.
Hundreds of miles eased my pain. Yet...your calls and letters left me in vain.
Distracted and poverty stricken I returned. Our friendship anew was learned.
The second time was a big surprise. Daddy died and your comfort increased in size.
I tried to fight it, I swear I did. But your goodness and soothing way did me in.
Never a word, touch or thought you gave to me to ignite that spark. It just did, this treacherous heart, pulls me apart.
My emotions which ran wild. Not a friend around for awhile.
Your consistent friendship my heart askewed.  I blame you not; for you never knew.
That old ache I thought was long gone, spoke your name and that lost love was found.
Avoid you again I tried at last, but ignorant friend that you are would not let time pass.
Did you never really know how I longed for your love? All around us knew thereof.
Or the many ways we talked made my feelings true? I guess a part of you ignored the cue.
I lied to myself and you this third and last time. For this horrid love leaves not my heart or mind.
Each time we embrace, kiss or passionately unite, soon after I feel without a doubt your lack of love...ignite.
Yet still I yearn those small moments we share, even though after, each time, leaves me bare.
December 30th my love is the date, where I shall once again walk away.
No special reason for that date, just ease on the memory for our fate.
I shall not tell you even then, of my heart betraying me again.
I'm sorry for not being a friend first, for this wretched love has been cursed.
It constantly falls in love with a burst, and I fear this is the worst.
I shall miss you my best friend, I hope to one day receive your forgiveness; for my descend.

AndMore.....French Kiss my a$$

AndMore.....French Kiss my a$$


A lovely Friday night, I go home just in time to SLEEP, damn commute, I can get to china on my knees quicker then I can get to NJ on a fu_cking train and bus!

I wake to the lovely sounds of birds, confused rodents with wings due to this nature PMS weather. Some are gathering twigs for nests others are eating the twigs in preparation for their flight South, then there are the few flying South laughing at the others. Saturday morning, what will I do today?

Laundry, there's movies I rented and haven't seen, perhaps Confessions of a Shopaholic? Don't know why, I hate shopping. By the afternoon my weeklong stupor awakens and I crave a good ole fashion grilled cheese. I heat the pan, I slather the bread with butter, I toast one side, then the other. I get the white American cheese and pile it up, make sure both sides of the bread is really toasty. I sit in front of the TV with the sandwich, chocolate malt milk and the movie. AHHHHHHH what a Saturday.

I feel a bit nostalgic and blog. I feel a bit..................................nauseas; so I lay down.

Meg Ryan - my favorite part comes to life 'you make my azz twitch, you people make my azz twitch'

I never saw the afternoon, it was 3:00 am and the view from my sofa to the kitchen looked like those mirrors at the fair, squiggly and wrong. I try to get my foot to the ground but it gained 100 pounds per foot. The heat wave I felt was incredible and although I did not drink I could swear I had a hang over. I prayed for the best and ran aiming to get to the bathroom, but it was too many turns. The exorcist was childs play in comparison to my version.

7:00 am Sunday morning and finally the sprint from sofa to porcelain bowl was over..........so I thought.

I lay down and wonder.......will I see a day where I can enjoy in peace nature, laughing, bliss.........

7:15am....I hear thunder.....no......it's a trumpet......no......it's my stomach. Toxic dairy has found a new route, at this point I just stay and get acquainted with porcelain bowl..........

10:00 am - I sleep, I wake every couple of hours and sip some Ginger ale from a teaspoon. I mean is it that God and the Devil are tossing a quarter over me??????

9:45 pm Sunday - I wake to shower and go back to sleep - tomorrow is the commute.

The trip consists of dizzying effects and trying to hold down sips of Ginger Ale. Holding down the need to tell people to BATHE and praying that my next life will be better then this one.

Two days later - still sipping clear soda, attempts at soup were futile but I can finally fit into a pair of grey pants I had long given up wearing. I hate people that can eat. I hate people that can eat. Oh I said that already. 'you people STILL make my azz twitch'.

Third day - another attempt at soup, a yellow and green pea soup. I don't know why, maybe I'm just a sadist. Didn't last too long, I don't even bother complaining, I refuse to go to the company nurse again, she may just have that but/throat stopper she jokes about. Imodium AD must mean for after death because that shyt don't work.

I might as well give up the quest for food. I hate people that can eat. I hate cheese and soup and why the F does Ginger Ale say Ginger if it doesn't have any?????? You know you've fu_cked up in life when your own family can't find the time to bring you a bowl of da_mn soup!

If I see a cow I swear I would kick it! And if life isn't cruel enough the commute home isn't any better, people smell worse at the end of the day and all that running about makes all that Ginger Ale want to exit quickly.

If life ain't shyt then I've been sold the wrong manual and it came with a bad slice of cheese that just won't stop making my azz twitch!

Can you shop for love?

But I want him! She said. No matter the topic it always went back to him. The mystery man that comes into and out of her life minutes at a time. If she is very lucky a few hours in a night only to wonder in the morning when he is long gone if it ever really happened.


What do I do, what can I do to remove all the obstacles in our way? She pleaded. My answers were not what she was looking for however my answers come from history, experience and the all too known memory that does not allow me to escape such tragic mistakes.

'Let's shop you and me. Let's go to the mall where you can shop for any man. There is a return policy but in this fantasy you can choose the man you always wanted and therefore a return would not be necessary.' Yet still she began with his name and his qualities (few that there were).

'No! Let's begin again. You are not shopping for what you have. In the endless possibility mall, you are shopping for what you want.' The silence on the phone was endless. I sat in my car on a cold bitter night consoling someone I had only met a month before. She sees such wisdom in me that I believe I lack. But I understand her current predicament.

It is much easier for 'friends' and family to judge. To see clearly the mistake this man is. To lose patience over the time she invests and loses. It is much harder to just listen and allow someone to get to the point of no return, without judgment, without constantly telling them that the ending will be no different. It is much harder to slowly talk them through seeing what their heart masks.

'I want a man that cares, one that is charming, that will spend time with me, take walks, go to movies, sit for dinner and share some laughs. I want a man that loves me and shows it. Has no qualms in saying it, even less qualms in wanting it returned.' As her list grew her voice became a whisper.

'Well (and for this story we shall call her Madeline)...Well, Madeline, we are leaving the mall, you may have the financial means to purchase such a man but the cost is also knowing when you are ready for him. You may not have the final cost; which is deserving such a man. Tell me, does the one you pine for, does he have these qualities?'

'I believe without the obstacles he can be.' Her persistence and faith in this man is unbelievable and also admirable.

'Then you love who you hope he can be and not who he is. And it is alright if you don't believe so, there will be a time when your self esteem will flourish and you will ask yourself the same question and will not be able to lie to yourself.'

'How do you know?' she asks.

'I've been to that mall. I've asked myself and could not lie. I one day woke and remembered that I deserved better. I embraced the fact that I am at an age where it is even harder to meet someone let alone fall in love with someone that loves you back. But, at the end of the day, I am not with miserable company, nor am I with someone that leaves me lonelier then if alone.'

For weeks I have had a rented movie called Confessions of a Shopaholic. I don't know why I rented the movie since I really dislike shopping. I am not a great fan of the actors, but here it is. Luckily the rental does not include late fees; rather you don't get another rental until you return the current ones you have.

On this Saturday where there is nothing promising on the 300 plus channels I see the rental disc I find myself needing to visit that mall again, to stop at the Self-esteem Mart and Let go of a fantasy drive up, this day I need distraction, for I am ready yet not at the point of no return.

I am more surprised of the movie as each minute passes. It is funny, it is wrapped neatly in multiple lessons and more importantly it didn't distract me, it made me realize I am closer to the point of no return then I want to believe.

She shops to avoid the brutalities of life. Madeline obsesses over a selfish man to avoid the brutalities of life. I won't let go of fantasy that promises no reality because I don't want to face the brutalities of life.

She falls in love with a man and lies to him, to protect herself, him and her debt. Madeline falls in love with love and lies to herself to protect that fantasy that revives the passion in her heart that for too long had lied dormant. I lie to myself and to him because the truth is painful. But just like the character in the movie, one can only lie for so long before those lies become apparent to everyone including you.

Her redemption is to sell everything in order to pay her debt. Ironic, the very things she bought and created the debt she sold. She passed on a job that she dreamt of since childhood. Her redemption was to admit to herself that she had a problem that only she could fix. A relentless collection agent forced her to the point of no return.

Madeline is still on the crossroad of denial and slightly realizing roads. Still no where near the point of no return, that valley with dry lands and eerie views that makes one recreate their landscape to fit their reality. But I believe she will get there, for every time she calls to complain, she is forcing herself to listen to reality even though she describes it with a fantastic view.

As for me, I took the road of slightly realizing and am now on that long bridge over point of no return. I walk slowly for I know that I will lose more then I ever though I would gain. I will lose a friend that I love, I will lose the confidence built with someone, and most importantly I will lose the hope I had of a fantasy come to life. But when I reach my destination I will have to remind myself that the journey had a greater quest. For truth to rise even at a cost and to be the friend I had promised to be. And to let go of something that if I ever had the courage to do; I would simply open my hands to see that I never had it to begin with.

Can you shop for love? Yes. What you can't do is walk out of the mall with it.

Evil or Crazy?

If a person hates you because someone they know hates you, are they crazy or evil?
If a person declares an emotional and mental war with you, are they crazy or evil?
They had a reign of 20 years where in a space as small as a cave. One of fear and threats that keep all out.  No one sees the terror that was given to the beaten down.  Through the consistent thrashing of words and threats the beaten down are kept in the horror category.  They say the person is crazy, I say evil.  Power to ruin lives, push people over the edge then accuse them as failure = evil.

But at the end of the day, pity swells and one that has known sufferage would fight it but lose.  For pity is what such a person deserves.  Truly evil does not always win.  Actually evil has temporary moments of victory.  Goodness however reigns.

So I close the topic of crazy with this.....

If you laugh maniacally, you are scarily happy.
If you see outside the box and envision rainbows upon rainbows, you are visionary and slightly misunderstood
If you speak your mind more so then others and in doing so say what most won't, you are bold; honest.

But......if your main purpose, energy and self is spent on tormenting others, you are just plain crazy evil!

Sister of Crazy

They lead
A band of grown people, plotting together while in their 50s and 60s. A combined race with an anger of a past that was not their own. They put together a group in the guise of helping others. In reality they are Robin Hood in reverse. They each have mastered scamming the system, family, people, the needy and pretty much anyone they deem beneath them.

I was secluded at one time with such people. 12 elders as they like to call themselves. Each earning a living in high positions within companies, organizations and the like. Each competing to be the greater one. Each preaching the word while not practicing it. Each judging for they feel the trials and tribulations of their past gives them the right.

They set out to 'help' others. Branding people by a look, a word or a dress style then pressing on their advise, guidance and networking are needed. They set aside a place, charge a fee and then lock the doors behind. A time spent tearing you down, literally, only to rebuild the person as they want them, all the while chanting and praising their god for the great works they did.

If you don't return you are damned. If you do not join their group you are damned.

The unreachable woman
There is a woman close to my heart, a blood line holds us together. An 11 year old event changed her to a bitter, cold and unreachable woman. To others she wears the mask of a victim but anyone that is close enough will see and feel the claws under the cloak.

The blood line
There is a woman close to my heart, another blood line. Her spirit lies beneath the feet of her significant other. Pinned and crushed she barely holds on. Pinned and crushed she barely realizes she is pinned at all.

Me, myself and I
The woman in me, strong and brave, weak and cowardly. A scale that tips, balances then tips again. Holding on to a fantasy when the reality of it is so cruel.

Crazy? Sister of crazy? Crazy rules the world, we merely stand in the way.

There are some of us that band together. When one falls the others distract the beast. Taking turns so we don't all fall at once. Crazy? or Sister of Crazy?
Him
And of the brother of crazy? There is a man close to my heart. He sees not what is in front, the blinders are neatly placed and his ears hear not the wails of pain.

Brother oh brother
There is a man not close to my heart. He looks to where my home rests. Bitter and torn by a woman he bore his resentment toward me. We feel each others presence - we dispise each others connection. Crazy? Brother of Crazy?

At a time when loneliness has become ones closest friend, do you settle for the bits thrown or do you kick it back and let pride embrace you through the night?

Crazy or Normal? These are the things that go on in the year 2009. Most would say it is the norm of today, I say....it is crazy and the crazy rule the world.