My Thursday night

This is what my Thursday night is like, 7:00pm, find out NJT will try to eliminate the bus I take to work. 7:30 pm until 3 am - town decides to begin paving my street. I'm barely functioning today!

This is what I would like to send to the NJT and the town for SCREWING up my commute and FU_CKING up my chances of SLEEP:

Ending the week right... Nyx to Eros

In Greek mythology Nyx was a goddess of night, she would take form as a great bird with black wings.  She gave birth to Eros who brought light into existence.

It is when I feel most like Nyx, where darkness surrounds me and all seem bleak, that I most need to remember Eros.  Light that came from darkness is a sure way of regaining ones belief in hope.

Nyx to Eros
Truly I spread my wings and take flight
through the darkness I yet find my way
though the journey a lonely one

If there be a storm my wings stay strong
If there be a coldness, my wings are warm
If there be an obstacle, my wings will climb

Truly I spread my wings with hope
to find the light, and see my way
though the journey be alone

If there be a way, it will be light
that comes forth from my darkness
that breathes through my life

From Nyx to Eros.....hope
2010(C)Gracey Castro

Starting the week right...I treasure time

I treasure all of the experiences I've had in my life. Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary in order to have gotten you to the next place, and the next, up until this very moment. ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

There will be an AndMore about the following as well.

I have a birthday coming up.  I am like a child about birthdays.  I like doing something special for myself.  This year however I have not had the excitement at all that I usually get around this time.  I had chosen to just treat it like any other day.

But then...a family friend had her own thoughts about this.

She planned a dinner to thank friends and family for helping during a tough time in her life.  I was one of those friends and proud to be one.  A Saturday of cooking and breaking of bread.

I walked into her home and my mother was in her kitchen cooking.  Latin favorites, Bacalao con arroz con gandules, empanadas, guineo mas duro, acapuria (my all time fav).  The smells coming out of that kitchen were heavenly.

As I sat with wine in hand, listening to the old Latin beat screeching out of the TV music station, I saw people laughing, talking, catching up.  I participated in a lot of banter and felt myself for the first time in a long time.....relax.  I hadn't a worry in the world in that living room.  More people came in and the sounds were louder, it had become a full blown Latin feast.  To my utter surprise along with the Thank you for everyone the hostess also had a cake for my birthday.  I was the only one not let in on that news.

I love boxes of all materials, the older the better, the more Victorian the greater.  A gift......a beautiful box with a painting of a bird on it.  Leather strap to boot.  In it........winter accessories; who doesn't need that?

I was overwhelmed with a happiness, a feeling of utter caring, a love that circled around that home side by side to the aroma, music and laughter.

So back to the card.....'until this very moment', I have lived for most of my adult life for moments.  Moments like this I could only dream of.  I treasure this experience.  Reality was the greatest gift of all.

But...it's wonderful to have the gift of friendship, a mother that cook up a storm, consideration and caring.  Yes, I had planned on treating this birthday like any other day...I'm glad that plan did not work out.

Inspiration me....allowing things to happen

today I will...let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.  ~melody beattie

It is just so hard to let things happen.  Even harder to think you can change things that are either meant to be or not meant to be.  I always remember my ex-mother in-law saying something in Spanish.  That I always wanted to fight the inevitable and that I actually expected to win.  I guess that is true...I know that is true.

To be hopeful is dangerous.  You end up hoping and hoping only to find out - the inevitable shall win.

Law of Attraction/The Secret/Manifesting says; believe whole heartily and it shall be.  What they don't tell you is that it will be only if it is meant to be.  So in essence, are you really controlling your destiny?

Do we just give up and live a life of routine?  Ho Humming along and just elating over moments when you actually get something you've wanted?

I just don't know.....this endless quest of finding answers to questions can be so tiring.  I do know this...if Hope was a friend, she would be a friend I would steer clear from right now.

Strokes or hope
How I landed in this ocean I don't know
at a distance, 120 strokes...land
Tired and feeling defeated - I float

Do I swim? Do I stay and hope?
Do the predators arrive? Do I escape?
Tired and defeated - I remain

In a short while exhaustion will take over
120 strokes will seem like thousands
Do I begin to take those strokes or stay and hope?

I swim...120 strokes
no predators, no hope
Dry land and tired arms...a beginning to an end.

2010©Gracey Castro

Arguing with Confucius....we disagree

Can there be a love which does not make demands on its object? -Confucius.

Not that I know of.  Love demands much.  Attention, courtesy, acknowledgement, reciprocation, kindness, consistency, etc.

The question is not whether there can be, the question is whether we give it.

Someone once told me that I love completely and that was the problem, I should hold back.  Mystery if but a little is good.  I have struggled with that for years. Either I am sadistic or rebellious because I still can't accept that.  If I love you, I love you for all that you are.  I love you with all that I am.  As for mystery, is it not enough to wonder if it will last?

Do I make demands of those I love? Sure, I demand that you respect that love.   That you treat it well.  That if you are so blessed as to have so much love in your heart you can not make room for more, to at least walk away and not mock it.

Do I demand love?  No.  I have long given up trying to find it.  But in those moments when it makes an appearance, I embrace it, smell it, inhale it, close my eyes and make a memory of it.  For when it leaves as quickly as it arrived I would have that moment to reminisce with. ~g

Yet...we disagree
I take nothing and leave plenty
I speak little and listen much
But...land on different paths

I share my core and leave you yours
intact
Embrace you until you shiver
no more
Yet we disagree

We are the same, yet so different
Few understand us, yet we do
But...we see none of this

We agree in long talks
We agree through long walks
Yet...we disagree

2010©Gracey Castro

Inspiration me....starting the week right....Happiness

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. ~Helen Keller

Irony is that Helen was blind.  Even she was looking for the door of happiness and perhaps learned that she couldn't 'see' it because she was looking at the one that closed.

I heard it close, it was thunderous.  No way that door is opening again.  I can claw till my fingers bleed.  I can yell and beg; but there is no one on that other side to open it. I know that I must look forward and find yet another door, but........I keep looking back.

Happiness depends upon ourselves. ~Aristotle
Aristotle usually gave quotes that cut to the chase.  He must have had the patience of a speeding bullet.  But, short as they are, those quotes are enough to be appreciated.

Road to happiness
If I can not see you, how do I find you?
If I can not hear you, where do I walk to?
Lost and weary - I pray for a path.

If I look within will a map appear?
If I change my heart will a road open?
Chained and still - I pray for inner peace.

If the blind and deaf can find it,
If the philosopher found it,
Then time will answer my prayer.

2010©Gracey Castro
09/22/2010

Rolling with the punches or just getting punched.?.

It's my father's birthday today.  He would have been 72 years old.  He loved his birthday when his four daughters would greet him early morning with hugs and kisses.  I miss him, more each day and the pain of it grows.  They say it lessons, but I find that to be untrue.

Amist the ever growing need to close certain chapters of this book called my life.  I find the exhaustion, the pain and misery to be like one mass pain.   I don't reach out to people anymore and forced myself to finally see who would care.  I opened my heart of a secret kept so long, it may have just been a waste of time, for if it should have felt as a relief, all else that weighs me down doesn't allow me to feel it.

As if to make the day even worse, traffic spills onto the road making my trip stressful, I finally get to NY only to find there is so much traffic in the city even cabs can't get around.  It is 34 blocks from the bus station to my job and I walked all but 5.  Five blocks into traffic with the cab and already the meter was reaching the cost it normally would be if we reached my job.  I jump out, train stations are full and it just is quicker to walk it.  I call my boss and with all the sincerety in the world I tell him 'when the next lay off comes around, please make sure I am at the top of the list.'  His response is that I should move closer, as if moving is free.

Still making 30K less from 4 years ago, no raise (and I am grateful to have a job), all else increasing in economy finance leave little to move with let alone purchase a car after the Jeep died.

The commute leave me with 2 hours a night if I am lucky, no time to look for anything, all is closed.  The weekends are more like waking from a coma.  Exhausted and trying to figure out why my body is not functioning at a normal pace.

Another day where it takes 3 hours to get to work.  The usual amount it takes to get home, if not 2.5 hours or more.

Things will get better! This too shall pass!  At least you have a job!  At least there is public transportation!  All the positives that people say, while also commenting on how crappy you look.  I swear if one more person say any of those things, I will pull their tongue out and sell it as pork meat!

Dad would have said something positive wrapped in negative.  'Kiddo, at least you got to that shitty city in one piece."  God, I miss his humor and love.  Oh and those hugs...........

I promised myself I would write my vents.  That I would set goals and challenges even through the challenges already set before me on a daily basis.

I nurse a broken heart, a migraine, a thinning wallet, legs that can't take the walk anymore, the arriving late to work and the getting home so late and tired I can't even think of food.  All with the thought 'if it doesn't get better then at least keep me numb.'

09/21/2010 ~gracey

being true to myself

These damn cards and their ability to hit the mark!

today I will...honor, cherish, and love myself. When I get confused about what to do, I just have to remember that I need to be true to myself. I will break free of the hold that others---and their expectations---have on me.  ~melody beattie

I guess that will be theme for a while, being true to myself.  I am a firm believer that one must be truthful with oneself or they can't be truthful to others.  It is much easier to close things out of the mind, to pretend, to live in a fantasy, to lie to yourself.  But in the end, the truth will slap you in the face and you will still have to deal with it.  Truth, that force that will not remain concealed.

Hello
It's been a while since we met
hiding from one another
yet knowing one another is there

I walk toward you, humbly
head down, pride gone, step by step
I see you walk in the same manner

It's been a while since we met
You are I, I am you, we surely
can no longer separate

2010©Gracey Castro

Check out Essentials of Poetry

Hi,

I want you to take a look at: Essentials of Poetry 

Inspiration me.....Ending the week right.....Tear drop‏

'Get the message. What is your situation showing you? To get the message is to turn your questions or what you think you know into understanding that you can apply. There are no wrong answers; the goal is not to be right but to be clear.' ~The Next Step deck by Dr. M.

Someone said something recently that hit me like a ton of bricks. Irony is that it shouldn't have surprised me but it did. Cruelty is I needed to hear it. Life is I hated hearing it. I laid in bed for an entire night......numb. I got up and it literally took me 4 hours to get to work thanks to accidents on the road. I rushed through obstacles all the way there and still I was emotionally numb. Then the next day an emergency came up and I took off from work. Later that evening when I had some time to myself I decided that waiting on the opportune time to meet with anyone for dinner and wine would be another year in wait. So I took myself to dinner, a nice restaurant and had a petite sirloin, mashed potatoes and grilled green beans, a very large glass of wine. I'm not driving so I asked for the largest glass they had (yes, wine comes in different glass sizes).

I sat there waiting for dinner, sipping my wine and I took out the deck of cards from the The Next Step deck. Feeling at my lowest point EVER. Nothing at all going right in my life except breathing and even that is labored through restrained tears. I shuffle the cards while other nosey patrons watch, I turn one over and it's the above card. The tears I held back for days come down. 'I get it. I get the message and I will do whatever it takes to accept it and get past it.' Dinner arrives and I eat it with a slowness that reminds me of a child forced to eat. But while I ate I thought to myself.....'how do I let things get this far?', that's when I took out my notebook and began to write, it was 2 hours later when the waitress walked over and asked if I wanted desert. 'No, let the sourness stay for a few moments longer, I'll just have the check please.' There was no check, the manager gave me the dinner for free along with a cheesecake to go.....too numb to show the appreciation I truly felt, I merely smiled and said thank you and ran to catch the bus.

Note to self: (soon after looking in the mirror) Get water proof mascara.

Tear drop

You rolled right out of my eye, down my cheek and to the wooden table

you shined like a round rain drop, a tear - single and alone

Within it I saw me, I was happy, I was me

I look so young, vibrant, alive


I see the storm roll in, I'm frightened and cuddle to the ground

finally rose with a sadness too profound


Within it I see me, looking, searching, exhausted

I look so desperate, confused, alone

You rolled right out of my eye, down my cheek to reveal

I see, I ask, I am clear...acceptance come to me.

~are you asking, accepting and clear?

2010©Gracey Castro

AndMore....Court Part 5 (well.....it's called ANDMORE for a reason.....there is always MORE)

I could go on about the Purgatory bus, but I know by now you get the gist of it....................F_ck it, I will anyway. You could just scrape the dust off this bus with a scraper and mold a life size design. You can't sit even if the bus is empty because they all smell like piss. And I am convinced that f_cking Mexican driver is as high as a kite.

Monday - I won't complain. After twenty plus burglary and theft cases, it wasn’t too bad. THERE IT IS!!!! - The horror of it. When you get to a point that theft and robbery with or without weapons isn't that bad, you know you need to rethink things. I got home late, but was too happy about the 'light cases' to care. Only one car tried to pick me up while I waited for the bus. After all this time, I finally got offended. What? I don't qualify TODAY as a Prost_itute?????? WTF????

It's a good day for Linguini and Meat balls. Or; should I say it ‘was’ a good day for Linguini and meat balls, I fell asleep (after not sleeping too well thinking of court the night before) and burned the meat balls, won't even tell you about the linguini. On the bright side the smoke detector works. On the not so bright side, the fire house across the street didn't give a rat’s ass that it went off.

With peanut butter sandwich in hand, I sat down at the dining room table. When I finally stopped listening to my thoughts I realized there was moaning that could be heard. You know, I envy the hag upstairs. That BI_TCH is a grandmother and she goes at it with her husband several times a week. I still don't know what he looks like but I imagine a man with the posture of a PEACOCK! There are times she screams and speaks in TONGUE. Monday night was one of those nights. I sat there and thought - WTF? Her apartment set up is similar to mine, so they must be at it in the dining room/living room. It was endless. The pounding, the moaning, the AY DIOS MIO!!!! I almost yelled it with her a few times. You know, I feel sorry for my next husband. If he doesn't have a battery up his azz like grandpa upstairs, I'm shoving annulment papers down his f_cking throat!!!!

Tuesday - I just felt it…. the doom. The second I entered the court house, I felt it. I walked into the corridor that leads to the court room, there are the pews, there are the criminals waiting on their parole officers. There is the sign - Court in session, close the door. I walk in, put my phone in the bags they provide with our individual juror numbers.....PAUSE

PAUSE REASON - they make us turn our cell phones off and place in an envelope which they hold hostage. But, during proceedings the court staff themselves are texting. FUC_KING HYPOCRITES!!!!

END OF PAUSE - I take my seat and hear the questions bombard at me "how are you feeling today", "how was the bus", "where's your bucket of coffee", "have you seen a doctor for that cough"?????? In a perfect world my answer which rolled about my head would be:

Like SHIT, you blind MOTHERFU_CKER!
Like HELL, ride it one day and stop living through my misery. JACKAZZ!!
If you know I need coffee then go get some ASS WIPE, clearly I didn't have time to get a cup
No DUMBASS I like coughing my lungs out without medical attention

Instead I say "fine", "the same", "I'll get it later", "I plan another visit"

I then hear about their miseries. Yes, it is deathly that your $1200 refrigerator was not delivered (pampered azz). Oh my, you DO have it the worst; your car has a flat (at least you have a FUCKING CAR MORON).

One guy takes his inhaler out in preparation. That's what made me look at the list. The court leaves a list of cases on the table. Child Sex Abuse=ALL OF THEM, several pages of cases, all day - it would be CSA cases – ALL FU_CKING DAY. I just wanted to leave.

You know - this court thing has made me aware of a few things:
I think certain people should be fixed to not have children and it should be done in the same clinics as animals and without anesthesia
As much as I don't want to be there, I want to be a voice that helps those kids
The court really has no fu_cking intention of fixing that damn air conditioner
You could get used to using a bathroom that looks like an alley
Criminals sitting on pews gives one hope or despair, depending on the day
I hate with a passion most of my fellow jurors
When the bible talks of the lost city, the city of sin, it is referring to Paterson
I have more patience then I or anyone else thought
I still hope that Judge gets the worse case of diarrhea
I rather clean streets then work at SVU or as a parole officer
I'd take that Purgatory bus 10 times a day if it meant hugging even ONE of those kids

For the first time in my life, I believe in the death penalty and I want to push the button, spit on certain criminals and then push the button again, kick them all the way to the edge of a cliff, spit one more time, and heave ho them off with a kick in the AZZ

I don’t remember how I got to the bus stop, can't even remember if the Dr. Cave Adult Entertainment Club that is at the bus stop was busy. I just remember getting to my town and getting off, going home and pouring a generous amount of Tequila. I laid down on my Futon and cried for 15 kids (faceless voices) whose entire life thus far has been a nightmare and whose best case scenario of a good day was a horrific one.

The judge had said we would be released from our jury duty weeks early due to the large amount of case loads we handled (which apparently were many from another panel that had failed to live up to the jury standards). Well…..just 2 more weeks to go. Good thing too, I'm just about ready for AA meetings.

08/04/2010
~g

AndMore.....Week 4 - Jury Duty

Monday oh Monday, what a horrible day. I couldn't even write about it, let alone talk about it. I managed to write with a friend and try to get my spirits up, but in the end......curling up in a fetal position on the futon was all I could manage.

Yes, the Purgatory bus is what I still take in the morning. This particular Monday morning half way to Dante's Inferno 7 people got on the bus at one time. Need I say it? All Mexicans. Trust me the feeling is mutual. They can't stand the Puerto Ricans either. F EM!

Barely awake, hung over as they insisted on repeating, 4 males and 3 female. The rest of the way was my having to hear about who kicked whose azz and who will get 'dopped' (I guess dropped?) that night. I kept thinking........there goes another indictment added to our list.

Several other people got on the bus and before I knew it, it felt like 8:30 pm and not AM (Yes, the bus was late again) with all the racket.

By the 9th case, I felt my stomach lurch. I kept thinking......do they really need to give so much details? Why are people still having kids??? How can I shut that witness up? I looked around to the other jurors and noticed most were a pale green, one in particular (the one that looks 300 years old) looked as though he were going to faint. I got up and ran out to the corridor. That corridor is about 5 feet wide with pews. Those pews hold people reporting to their Parole Officers. Right smack in the middle of the two large pews is a garbage can. Honest, I was aiming for the can, since I knew I was not going to make to the ladies room at the end of the hall. But.................I didn't make it.

Several 'damn'.....'smack, she's goin to TOWN'.....'Oh hell'.........'what did she eat....' later, I realized that anything I ate in 48 hours was no longer in my system at all. I ran to the ladies room, pulled out my travel toothbrush and started brushing. In that bathroom that just looks like an alley.

The court clerk eventually came in 'that's some mess you left out there'. Her hand on my back. I glared at her.

I refused to leave the bathroom. Unbelievably, it felt better then going back to that hell. An hour later another clerk came in with tea. I said 'you're kidding right?' She smiled and said 'well then come out. Let's go to an office and you can sit.' And that's where they left me for another hour. A police man came in and said 'I was told to make sure you get home ok.'

I followed, head down, hunched shoulders. Thinking who was the smart azz that thought throwing criminals on an island to sort themselves out, was a bad idea. I gave my address and sat in the back. I sat there feeling more sick and trying not to think about all the FILTHY people that sat there. We arrived and as he opened the door, he announced "Come back tomorrow, or else". I gave him the finger...........................well in my mind I did.

I went upstairs, showered twice. Made some strong coffee and sat down in silence. A few hours later I had to give myself a mental shake. 'Come on girl, if nothing else, those victims need someone to think of them'. I poured myself a shot of Tequila and gave a silent prayer of hope that this experience would not make an alcoholic out of me. I barely slept that night at all. For the first time in a long long time, I slept or attempted to with the TV sound on and several candles lit.

The next morning I lit an incense and meditated. I woke an hour earlier just to do it. I thought of nothing but a blank canvas and all the possibilities of what I would put on that canvas. The canvas of my life.

A nice humble home. Small, comfy and welcoming. A CAR! Small, fast and bright. I painted trees with birds in flight. In my mind I painted even more. All the things I long for, all the things that bring peace to my heart. I opened my eyes and noticed the incense was done. I dressed and kept whistling the tune to The Lion King, The Mighty Jungle.

I walked out this morning and the first thing that I noticed was the beautiful morning. No humidity, a bright welcoming sun and a peaceful quiet occasionally interrupted by a passing bus. That's right, BUSES!

I saw the cranky man that owns the shoe store a few buildings down. I smiled my biggest smile "Good Morning, isn't it just beautiful?' He blinked rather quickly and responded in kind. Big smile and all. As soon as I got to the corner, the bus arrived. I thought I was dreaming. The driver was a Haitian with a sing song voice. Today several people boarded, mostly mothers with little ones. No racket just the ho hum of tiny voices.

I got to court and the metal detectors did not go off......................Nah, they did. But the officer, this time smiled. So did I. He said 'you're early!' I said....'the planets aligned and the bus was on time. Early actually.'

I guess yesterday gave cause of concern, for the cases were mild. Well, mild in comparison. We were given an extended lunch, most of which I spent returning work emails, but was able to do so quickly and eat. The rest of the day was just quick. I took the shuttle to the mall. I walked into the mall and refused to rush home.

I went to the coffee station and got a large coffee, I sat at one of the food court tables and just thought of the blank canvas. I felt something plop on my head. I reached up to investigate. BIRD SHYT. A FU_CKING bird trapped in the mall. DOZENS of people around and it SHITS on MY head. UNFU_CKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!! I close my eyes and think of a cat jumping in the air and eating that little shit. Ahhhhhh......peace again.

I go to the ladies room trying not to listen to the snickering of the low lives that witnessed the latrine treatment. Cleaned up as best as I could and began the walk out of the mall and to the end of the parking lot. An hour later the bus showed. I wasn't even upset that the bus should be running every 20 minutes.

I got home and did some work. Then it hit me. An emotional, physical and mental exhaustion that just gave me no strength. I laid down and took a nap.

So I wake up and realize that I don't have court until next week again, and I begin to breath better. (Still coughing like mad when I go into that court building).

For a moment I think of that canvas, the one that I had painted. For a second I felt negativity seep in and tell me 'it will never happen'. I shoved that thought right out! It will happen!

When you reach the bottom, there is only up. The only way to go.....UP. And if anyone thinks to give me any negative feedback to that, trust me, I saved enough strength for some serious bytch slapping!

So......in conclusion. It's still bad, I find faith and hope.......it will get better. 5 weeks to go.
07/28/2010
~g