As a single parent I learned early on that the word security is many fold. You hold this tiny baby in your arms that is completely reliant on......YOU!
You don't see it or feel it quickly...that moment when your carefree days diminish. The manner in which you begin to take crap because the greater picture serves your child better. The sacrifices you easily make because it is in the greater good of your child.
It becomes second nature....
The worrying
The sacrificing
The nourishing
The abundance of love that seeps out of you
The strength in handling that a person or persons depends on you...completely
Think about that last one for a moment. How terrifying is that?
But you do it. You become the person that worries but shows strength, the one that sacrifices but shows generosity, the provider that shares all, the one that teaches unconditional love.
The years go by and you worry more, sacrifice more but you nourish less as they learn to get their own food at friends or store, you love even more and still wonder how it is possible, but their love and need is far, far less. I mean, they don't love you less, they just don't love you the same. Conditions start popping up, if you don't know what I mean, hang around a teenager for a bit. Manipulation is taught in a circle of friends that never share the address of the meetings. They depend on you less.
This is the time that you should be spending on learning to find who you will become. I mean you can't be the same person, you soon won't have a person to worry about round the clock, you'll sacrifice less and they learn to make their own sacrifices. You love them more because they are now a whole new person and still becoming more. They definitely depend on you less.
When you don't take the time to learn who you will become, this is what happens.
You find that your child is now living with a partner. They barely see you as they have many things to do. You find that you don't know who you are and where you will end up.
You are a parent and always will be but the dynamics have changed. You are not an active parent. You have to think about yourself and in most cases/times only of yourself. How difficult that is when you haven't done so in so many years. You find people are just not sympathetic to that. They expect you to just turn it all off and know how to have fun, where and with whom.
You find that being lost has a new meaning. Caring for yourself is actually not selfish and loneliness and fear have new meanings. What's worse is that it's natural, expected and knowing that doesn't help one bit.
It is time for me to grow into yet another person, long overdue actually. To find out who I will become now and where that quest takes me. To step forth and worry for myself, sacrifice for myself, nourish and love myself. Depend on myself. I think about that last one for a moment. How terrifying is that? Very!
I don't know where this life continues to take me but so far I learned a few things:
If I could change anything I would change nothing, for all of it led me to who I am today.
Being a parent is truly the greatest gift and life lesson.
In settling for less in many ways I received more in other ways
It is necessary to become one person at one point of your life and become another at other points of life
I no longer fear growing, learning and changing...I am the seasons of my life.
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