Hello Everyone,

October 2015

I love October, not just because it is my birthday month but because the air changes, the season changes, the time changes.

It is when we must embrace the fact that the time change will have us seeing the dark sooner. A time when the trees begin to let loose the leaves, orange, brown and yellow leaves flying about.

It is the time when the ghouls and horrors are seen in decorations, shows, movies and parties.

It is the time when we say farewell to the summer heat, smile toward the cooler weather and wonder of the winter to come.

Happy October! May there be light within you to shine upon the earlier darker hours. May the ghouls and gremlins that ring the door bell make you smile and partake in trick or treat.

May you embrace the change in season knowing... it will bring us back to Spring soon enough.

I have added a tab - Whisper my words, which is a link to my site where I post stories, poems, AndMore events and the Watcher's Journal. Take a peek and enjoy.



October 31, 2010

Inspiration me....Fear not....bring hope

As I listen to the news about the latest events with packages and flights, I think....

There isn't a time I go through the tunnel while on the bus without worrying.  Arrive at the bus terminal without worrying.  I sit at work and try with all my might not to worry.  I travel home and the same worry begins.

I have friends and loved ones that travel a lot.  Some even for business.  Each time I know they are traveling; I worry.  Knowing they will travel again, I worry.

We just don't know.  I remember that horrific day 9 years ago and I worry.  Friends long gone, in a moment, without notice.  I wasn't worried before that day, not like this.  Oh, but wait....I was......

As a parent the first thing you learn is fear. What do I do? Why is he crying? Did that fall cause damage? Is he well in school? Is he well behind the wheel? Is he well with love? Is he well with life?

Then I think about Fear and how as an acronym it tells you why not to allow it to consume you:
False Evidence Appearing Real

And that is what I tell myself.  Worrying about something that may or may not happen is a False Evidence Appearing Real.

Worrying and Fear must be close brothers.  Siblings that are fraternal but twins.  False Evidence Appearing Real.  Yet, you watch the news and those brothers mock you, saying.....this is evidence of reality.

So that frenemy of mine is who I call.  Hope.  Don't betray me yet again you unpredictable thing you!  Through this at times crippling fear, at the very least, be the friend that brings one calm.  Be the hope you are defined to be.

Fear not.......bring hope.

October 29, 2010

Inspiration me - inspiration you - How about getting the blood started for the weekend

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ~ Sharon Stone
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
 "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." ~ George Burns
 "The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul." ~William B. Yeats

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." ~Abraham Lincoln

We live in a world where Politically Correctness keeps people from communicating; where you can be classified as bitter, smothering, a nag, insensitive, typical male, typical female, etc. You rarely hear someone say...He is loving and kind, she is caring and passionate....... Shame really, it would be such a pleasant world if we could just be.

I think couples ought to carry signs and protest 'Fuck in peace' 'I love that she cries' 'I love that he loves' 'Find your G-Spot' 'Find Mine'

But no, we just walk around being careful not to offend everyone we are near to. We fester and not speak what needs to be spoken. We don't communicate on the most basic needs then why does it surprise us when we don't communicate on the harder topics..... ~g

Blood boiling...

Whisper in my ear, let the warmth reach
Stroke my hair, let it's softness teach
Touch me here - then right there
I promise....it is all really fair
Rub against me, let's make fire
No hushes...scream your desire
2010©Gracey Castro

October 26, 2010

midweek - Inspiration me.....Alexander the great and his Griffins

A poem said to be the epitaph inscribed upon the tomb of Alexander.
O, mankind, who will die,
Why do you desire to be lifted on high?
Why, the more you gain,
The more do you desire to possess?
Everything passes away,
And the flower of life also comes to
an end.
The higher you climb,
The greater your fall from the heights to
the depths.
Although written in reference to his Griffins, this poem speaks volumes to just about anything today.
We desire to be lifted higher (we look for more), yet the more we gain, the more we want. And if that is not bad enough, the more we want the less we get because we lose sight (everything passes away).
The Griffins although a mythical creature can teach us much, one thing in particular for this inspiration would be. They would protect the tree of life. What do we protect?
In a world of turmoil, what do we love? In a time of despair, what do we cherish? Who do we look to? Who do we appreciate? When you feel as though you are falling and the depths are getting closer, who do you wish were there to catch you? Who would you catch?
Alexander had a fondness for a great creature. One that protected, one that would stretch it's wings and take flight, one that cherished; truly befitting the poem at his tomb.

Who’s your Griffin? What Griffin are you? Or are you Alexander, simply admiring a tale or two, living it's reality in a dream and a poem.

MyThoughts - a revisit - Despising the general public today

AndMore began as my thoughts, at a time when I worked in a company that was big on Customer Service. When you called the help desk you thought people on LSD was answering, that's how happy they wanted you to pretend to be. So I had a lot to say but couldn't and so MyThoughts was created. So as a revisit to MyThoughts, here are my FUCKING thoughts of today.

Maybe I didn't sleep well. Maybe I am just pissed off and don't know it. But I woke with effort and planted a smile on my damn face.

Customer Service - I went to Quick Chek to get cigarettes and the same DUMBASS that seems to be there EVERY time I go to shop was there. A typical high school drop out with the IQ of a Q-tip. Twice before she has made the mistake of angering me, both times because she insists on talking on the cell phone and getting the order wrong.

'Capri - blue box - 120s.' She gives me that deer in the headlights look and keeps talking to what I assume is another high school drop out. She hands me a pack of Camel. I push the box towards her and say 'try again'. She responds 'WHAT?'

'I said, try again. Capri - blue box - 120s', she rolled her eyes at me while still talking on the phone. I don't even know what brand she grabbed all I know is that she went in the wrong direction. She throws a RED pack of something on the counter and glares at me. I give her the finger and walk out.

'I go to the tobacco store in the opposite direction, he always knows what I get and go there far less then to Quick Chek. We chat for a bit. I don't find out till later that my ass has a mind of it's own and dialed a friend in the early morning hours so she can listen to our whole conversation unbeknown to me. 'Sorry MC'.

I get on the bus and the smelliest chick sits next to me. I pray for a coma.

I get to NY and the train is so packed I don't fit in it, I have to wait for another one.

I get to uptown and realize with all that went on I STILL had ample time to get some doughnuts for my co-workers.

1/8 of India works in this fucking store and the only one that speaks English and knows math is home having a baby. I ask for a dozen doughnuts, no coconut flavor, a cappuccino with regular milk. I have a $2.00 coupon and my ID which gives me a 10% discount (which is labeled on the receipt as Senior Discount).

I notice she rang up everything tucked the coupon in the register but did not deduct it or apply the discount. I breathe deep and tell her of her mistake. The HAG gives me a look of disdain and in her language says something. The manager comes over and tells her to void the items and start again. I guess she told him she was capable of math (frankly I don't think school was created when she was a child), they argue, her in their language - him in English. This must be his mother, great Aunt or mother-in-law because the PUSSY back peddled out of that conversation. She stares at the ceiling as if it would calculate for her and she hands me my change.

Not only did she STILL not deduct the coupon or discount she OVER charged me. I call over the manager and tell him "Look, I am all for equal opportunity, but someone as limited as her should be made to fill the sugar bowls. Get her DUMB ASS over here and I will teach her math." He says something to her and she comes over. "That is your CHANGE." She says in broken English.

I throw the box of doughnuts on the counter, I really struggle with myself to make sure I don't throw the coffee at her ignorant face and say, 'What is 10% of $11.00?'...................silence......................crickets.....................more silence.

'You owe me $3.82, I wrote it down for your DUMB ASS!' I slide the number I wrote behind the receipt. The manager at this point found his BALLS and comes over, sternly states something to her and goes to her register to remove MY money. I take a dollar (I am a pretty good tipper when pleased), I aim for the tip bowl in front of her and while she is still glaring at me, I pull it back and say 'MAYBE NOT'.

I go to work and announce that they should enjoy the doughnuts to the fullest since it may be a long time before I can go to that Dunkin Doughnuts.

I should have turned off the alarm this morning and stayed home. I'm just DESPISING today!

October 24, 2010

Inspiration me...Little Reminders...

I received an email asking why I was not sending out the Starting and Ending the week right emails - weekly.  Well, perhaps at times I need inspiration more than I need to give it.  Fuel feeds the fire.  But...I did start a trend and the request was made so here it is.

Start/End the week right....

Service - give more support than is received.  As you look after others, be sure to care of your own needs as well.  Love's test is when there comes a time to put your own needs next in line to those of one you love so dear, to help them out you'll volunteer and tend to details large and small, for service proves love over all. ~Little reminders card deck by A. Zerner and M. Farber

As I pack once again feeling like the gypsy with a luggage and box I find things that leave me with a swollen heart.  In my travels far and near I have made many many acquaintances.  I have found cards, letters, gifts and more...the footprint of when in the past, someone was helped and someone helped me.  Truly it was like energy was bolted right into my heart.  I pack with vigor knowing that with each quest I have been on I have realized over and over that strength comes and goes, friends come and go, love comes and goes, patience and despair come and go.  But...the footprint of having helped someone remains.  I am glad to be one of the people that leaves footprints in others lives.  Glad as well to be reminded that there are footprints of others in mine.

TPI - Thanks for making me dig out a card for lack of inspiration to write of inspiration.  I was inspired and I hope this inspiration leaves a footprint in your life.  ~g

October 20, 2010

False advertisement.........leather pants

You just can't believe anything, anyone or any advertisement.  Domino's has sandwiches, I didn't know that co-workers were getting pizza, which I rarely eat and stated that sandwiches were sold.  After looking at the menu I ordered the Philly Cheese Steak sandwich.  Here's what their menu picture is like:
http://www.dominos.com/pages/menu.jsp#all  scroll down to the sandwiches.

Looks good....doesn't it?  Well this is what it really looks like:
Domino Death Sandwich is what is should be called.

So.....I eat it.  Not too long later, I felt like this:
God stop the pain!!!!!!!!

I stick it out at work knowing that my intestines grabbed hold of that sandwich and was not letting go at all.  The best thing is for your body to release bad food.  My intestines did not get the memo.

So after HOURS of agony, I finally get home and decide to be proactive, so I take:
View IMG00059-...jpg in slide show Sounds simple and 'gentle' enough....right?

The false advertisement above is in the 'A gentle action feminine laxative', because at 2:00 AM, I woke with one thought in mind....DEATH IS ONLY THE BEGINNING and swore that I could picture was going on in my stomach.  The 'gentle' laxative was active and taking no prisoners:
Bent over in massive pain I thought to myself that LABOR wasn't this bad, I half run and half hop to the bathroom and with all the years of religion I chanted:  Sweet Mary mother of Jesus get this out of ME!

A long long long long long long long long time later, I all but belly crawl back to bed.  But then........I get nauseous, I belly crawl back.

I think of  some old time advertisement I come across in researching for writing and remember one in particular I thought was funny and now ironic.  I definitely had the mentality of Mrs. A:
Mrs. A mentality.

Life has a sense of humor.
I should have thought along the same lines of Mrs. B:
Hail Hepatica.

Instead I ended up like:

So I ended up having lengthy conversations with God and all the saints until about 5am.  I called out sick from work (much to my co-workers enjoyment) and laid in bed in a fetal position, swearing off Philly Cheese Steaks.  I deeply know what the phrase 'sick as a dog' means.

At 11am I sip on some chicken broth (all my stomach can handle) when I hear a knock on the door.  It's Panty Man letting me know that a potential tenant/victim will be looking at the apartment.  I shower, dress, talk to God some more and hope that they look at the place at record speed, since the 'gentle' laxative was still hammering my guts.

At some point I remember that I have the Robin Hood DVD and decide to put it on, because nothing and I mean nothing will cheer me up like watching Russell Crowe run around a forest in leather pants.

DOMINO SUCKS!!!!  Don't believe the advertisement and if you ever need laxative just lick the 'gentle' tablet, I am sure that is all that one will need to prevent dehydration.

October 19, 2010

NJ to fine motorists for leaving snow, ice on cars - NYPOST.com

NJ to fine motorists for leaving snow, ice on cars - NYPOST.com

Sister Wives...yep, I watched it

Sister Wives...yep, I watched it and it is as disgusting and stupid as I thought it would be, give me back my channel 5 and 9!

For those that have not tormented themselves, the wives are not actual sisters.  Up until the season finale there were 3 wives (20, 17 and 16 years married), with those wives he has a total of 12 kids plus one on the way.  (I wonder who pays for the medical on the non legal wives and their kids).

The show tries to tell you that he is innocent.  It is the wives that want the multiple marriages.  The first and only legal wife acts like a scouting ant and trolls for an addition to the 'fold'.  The other two do a 50/50 of sulking and approving.  Then there is the latest victim/potential wife, she has 3 kids of her own (I wonder what the father (divorced) of those children think of her going all Poly and shit).  She lives 5 hours away and he must travel there to 'court' her.

So.....he is 'really' only doing what his 1st, 2nd and 3rd wife want, for him to get another wife.  Yet, throughout the show you hear them complaining about it.  The lack of space, the lack of time with him, blah blah.  Throughout the show you see their emotions are anything but happy.

In a short span of 3 weeks, one wife gives birth, the other is celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, a third is burning toast ('because toasters kill more people than sharks') and the forth is planning out the wedding reception in record speed.

The 3 wives give the courting potential a claddagh ring (I wonder how the Irish feel about that), something each wears as a bonding, because sharing a man and his spit isn't bonding enough.

In the end, they sit on the sofa, all 'Four' wives like one great big happy family.  Only if you watch wives 1 thru 3 they really don't look happy at all.  Wife 4 is still in delirious mode to be married, has moved closer so that 3 other people can raise her kids while she has a turn with the Nick Nolte look alike stud.

It goes without saying that I am against plural marriages.  But this show really made it something I find disgusting.  The children go to a 'school' for Polys that is not accredited, so they have to take a GED.

Like a train wreck, you don't want to see it but you can't stop watching.

There...now I shared that misery with you!

Dear Diary, Why must they make me do it?

Dear Diary, Why must they make me do it?  Why must my own gender get me to the point where I have to BITCH about them?

Diary it's like there's a list that should be written somewhere on what to do and not do......
  1. Never wear so much perfume that another requires an oxygen mask.  Most especially if it's in tight quarters like say.......A BUS!
  2. Never wear 6 inch heels unless you are on a platform as a stripper.  It is not sexy to have to hold the handrail with both hands while taking toddler steps down, thus creating a long line of people that will be late to work because of your self inflicted crippled ass. 
  3. When flipping your hair (and yes I do this too, but with caution) make sure there is no one behind you, especially a smaller woman with contact lens.  Your (hopefully lice less) hair may just have the tips of the strands brush her eyeballs and remove their contacts, if they are lucky enough to have the protection of contacts.
  4. Your $500 Dooney & Bourke purse means nothing to others, therefore your placing it on an empty seat as if it paid for the seating is not something others should 'respect'.  There's a shortage of seats as it is, hold your damn over prices purse on your ignorant ass lap.  Frankly, I believe a woman should never own a purse that costs more then she can carry in her wallet on any given day.
  5. If you must wear G-Strings....make sure to discard any that are worn out, if they are at the height of your rib-cage, then get pliers and pull them down, it's just NASTY!
  6. If you must go commando, wearing see through clothing is not very smart.  WHORE!
  7. If you must carry several bags, then learn to accommodate them within your space.  One on the floor in between your legs and two on your lap.  There's also the overheard bin if you can reach it.  Placing any of the bags between you and the other passenger on the bus is not an option.  Sitting in 2 plus hour traffic with something from someone Else's bag stabbing your ribcage is not pleasant.
  8. No one is impressed with your ability to bark into a cell phone to your husband, boyfriend, child, sibling, parent or dial tone.  Just SHUT THE FUCK UP, read a book like everyone else.
  9. When driving, this is NOT the time to put on your makeup.  If your UGLY ass can walk out of your place without any on, than it can stay that way.  Swerving on the road while applying mascara is just FUCKING STUPID!
  10. When standing in a long line waiting for your turn with the cashier, don't wait until you are there, don't wait until all the items are rung, to THAN start looking for your wallet!  That just really makes me want to BITCH SLAP YOU!
Yes Diary, such a list should be posted somewhere, I just wish I knew where.

Dear Diary....(MY Take)

Dear Diary,

They talk on their cell phones and to fellow passengers as if no one else is around..................

"I'm on my way home there was a bus delay." Screeching into the cell phone. (There is a bus delay EVERY FUCKING DAY)

"Can you pick me up at the Park & Ride? I don't feel like walking." (What a life, Driving Miss Lazy)

"So we went to lunch and he was fun, he paid and said I'll call you, do you think he will call?" (Hmmmm, does his paying give a guarantee? Is she calling the Psychic Line?)

This one is sitting next to me. "What is all this traffic? Is it always like this?" (Who am I Al Roper? What the FUCK????) "Every day! If you are taking this route from now on, send a picture of yourself to loved ones."

"*#$(#*&$*(#&$#(*" Some foreign language at high tone.  (He didn't sound happy.)

"zzzzzzzzzz", (Don't you just love the sleepers?)

"I'm going to be very upset if she doesn't come to my party. After all I did to plan it she better go." (Whose party is it? Nothing like a shot gun invitation!!!!!!!)

But Diary, my favorite was the gigolo......"Baby...I'm too tired and I'm going home, I'll see you tomorrow, I promise."........makes another call "Baby...how about you come over and give me a massage." (I stare at this one, he is pretty gorgeous, I can see how he's working it. MAN WHORE)

I really need to get an MP3 player....fast!

October 16, 2010

Are we free or just down right ignorant?

The signs for apartments go up like street lights.  The paving costs money, a small town in NJ has much power, they pretend not to, but they do.  The secret town meetings that are posted too late, speak to building owners, businesses and the like.  The paving will be charged to the building owners, after much complaining about the great idea is spoken.  Charge the tenants, the business renting, the families that would have no choice.  Just do what you have to because each of you will pay to fix the streets.

The businesses must strive in order to be charged so the meeting people decide that paving will be done at night, during the week when the stores are closed.  To hell with those that work and must get sleep.

The rents are increased, stores complain, tenants complain, the town council shrugs.

I write this while sitting in building that with the exception of myself and the owner, as of today is empty.  The rent increase (phenomenal at best) were too much for families that either lost their jobs, haven't received increases or are already paying rents that are too high.  Rents for buildings that are not taken care of, falling to pieces with each storm.  Wood deteriorating with each rain.  Stairs and sidewalks crackling with each snow storm.

So the tenants leave.  In the night, leaving their deposits behind.  They pack and leave while the owners sleep.  They go to live with others or take an even more decrepit apartment that may cost less than what their current ones are raised to.

It is an eerie feeling at best knowing that I sit here alone.  The quiet is profound.  If the landlords thought they had a problem before, their problems just grew since their main source of income have vanished with the night.  The long vacations, fishing trips, expensive cars and second homes the equivalent of mini mansions at risk.   If only greed came with a warning......

I turn on the TV and find that channel 5 and 9 don't exist, there is a dispute for fees and charges on channels that are FREE.  Or were free.  All of a sudden everyone that has a TV must subscribe and pay a phenomenal monthly charge whether they want 100+ channels or not.  Most seniors I know don't even watch more then 3 channels.  They can't even afford food with their monthly stipend let alone pay a corporation to watch the news.

We are taxed on a local, state and government level, anything in between is classified as 'fees'.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?

In order to refinance a home that you may lose due to this economy, you must have a good amount of money in the bank, great credit and actually no need to refinance, otherwise they want you to wait until you are in foreclosure so that they may begin a 3 month process (way past the foreclosure time frame) to 'see' if they can assist.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?

You need insurance in order to drive a car, the insurance will give you a cost that is based on your credit score.  So....even though if you don't pay your insurance they will cut if off, hence eliminating the chance of people not paying, they will charge you a phenomenal fee to insure you, based on something that has nothing to so with auto insurance.  They will charge you what you can't afford, what will in fact cause you to not be able to pay, as a punishment for something that had nothing to do with auto insurance.  It doesn't matter if you never paid late or not paid auto insurance for decades.  SCAM at best.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?

Some countries shut down a city for an entire day or days to protest.  We protest for a couple of hours within the rules provided by the same organizations we are protesting about.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?  That's the question we should be asking.

October 15, 2010

Inspiration me...acting as if

today I will...try 'acting as if' a positive form of pretending. This is a good way to get past part of a problem or overcome fears and doubts. I will act as if the situation is already resolved and get on with my life.

So...what can I do that will reflect my understanding of today's card?.....  I can

act as if I like certain people - nah
act as if I am long past hurt - nah

Well, baby steps I guess.

I can breathe in and say my mantra 'all will be right'.  I can sit straight and plan my day, one hour at a time.  I can know that change is good and acceptance even better.

I can overcome fears and doubts, not by pretending they don't exist but by facing them head on, with my usual BRING IT mode.

Yep, I can disagree with some of that card, but in the end, I will act as if the situation is already resolved.

Bring me joy, for I can smile
Bring me laughter, for I can shine
Bring it all

Bring me love, for I can share
Bring me peace, for I am calm
Bring it all

Leave your anger and petty ways
Leave your selfishness and war
Leave it all

I bring you a difference
I bring it all

2010Gracey Castro

October 12, 2010

Inspiration me.....just breathe

They say...'everything happens for a reason' - 'when one door closes another opens' - 'change is good' - 'if you fight the inevitable you will lose every time'.

I get a car and news of ending my town bus line comes in - when one door closes.....
The town makes a hidden deal with businesses, we pave, you pay, charge your tenants - everything happens for a reason.....
I have a tremendous change coming that both terrifies me and yet I yearn for - change is good.....
I've wiped clean many aspects of my life as an artist wipes clean a canvas - if you fight the inevitable......

What quote I wonder would be written for the one that just rides the wave with no board? Rolls with the punches unguarded?  Takes each day with anxious breathing?

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. ~Mohandas Gandhi
Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all. ~Ypatia (350-370? – 415) AD
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. ~Confucius
Just breathe. ~Drew Barrymore, Ever After
Just give me the strength to get up again, should I fall...again. ~Gracey Castro

October 11, 2010

Dear Diary....I'm really just a cuddly kitty cat

Dear Diary,

I write to you this evening in great despair.  I was called a hater.  Asked if I wanted hateraid.  It just breaks my heart to hear such vile things.  Why am I so misunderstood?  I mean I have a great, big, soft, fluffy, warm heart.  I mean my heart is so big it keeps me from being a hater, for example:
When I went to get gas today and the horrible immigrant at the station refused to go to the side of the window where I sit, making me stretch out and manually open the window from the passenger side, I didn't flip him the finger, my great big heart didn't let me.  When he grinned in satisfaction of my discomfort, I smiled.  When again he walked to the passenger side and tapped on the window to give me my change and I had to lean over and manually open the window, I did not say the things I should have....'YOU FU_CKING IMMIGRANT, YOU SCUM BAG! You think I don't remember you and your sadistic way of making American woman suffer at this station.  Go back to your FU_CKING country if you hate our liberation!'  No....I did not, I merely took the change saying in a small voice 'MORON!'

Diary, I am no hater, my heart does not allow me.  When I went to the store to get milk and the lady behind me mumbled something about my taking too long to put my items on the counter, my heart...it did not let me say what I should have 'LISTEN YOU FU_CKING HAG, if you're in THAT much of a hurry go on the other line before I put my foot up your ASS and shove you there.'  No....I did not, I merely turned and smiled, saying in a small voice 'I'm sorry, there is only a small space on the counter, perhaps you will have more luck placing your attitude on it.'

Oh but Diary nothing proves my loving way more than what my co-workers did today and I simply smiled (OK, maybe not simply).  I mean, who does what she did?  Who takes a picture of me in the emergency room while in the middle of agony, pain and torment?  Who takes that picture and tucks it away so that many months later they can post it on face book???  My co-worker, that's who.

I mean, who does what he did?  Who takes that same picture and frames it into a matting that says 'Haters keep hatin'?  Of little me in a wheelchair with bandaged knee??? Who Diary??  They do!  But do I open a can of FU_CKING WHOOP ASS???? No, I did not.  Did I go with my feeling and start BI_TCH SLAPPING them both???  No, I did not.  My great big heart did not let me.

I mean why Diary?  Why would they do that then call me a hater?  I am so misunderstood.

I mean.....I admit.....I tinkle just a bit at the thought that the plan I demised in my mind will be the vendetta of all vendettas!  That I must be patient and let time pass so that the element of surprise will make that vengeance even greater!  That Dumb and Dumber will lose their faith if they have it or gain it if they don't over this vengeance.  I mean....I admit, that may sound like a hater; but Diary, oh Diary, I say it with love.

I lovingly also say it is going to SU_CK to be those two!!!!!  My heart is so big that for a split second I actually felt pity.

Only you understand me Diary......just you....I'm really just a cuddly kitty cat.

Inspiration me...today I will...Acknowledging my desires.....and denial

today I will...release the belief that my needs are never met.  I will acknowledge my desires, then turn them over to my Higher Power. My wants and needs are not an accident--God created them when he created me. ~Melody Beattie

Hope is the denial of reality. ~Margaret Weis


I spoke with a friend who teaches a class that is mostly women.  He is very personable and they have learned to trust him and speak freely.  He is happily married for 17 years.  Or as he likes to say.....361 days of the year happy.

We began to speak about denial and how easy, pathetic and wasteful it is, yet how hard to stop it.

She said to him - 'But he loves me, even if he doesn't show it, he says it.'
His take - 'He's just saying it to shut her up.'
My take - 'He's stringing her along until his version of the perfect one shows up.'

She said to him - 'But I love him. So what if he won't sleep with me, doesn't treat me like a girlfriend, he still is with me all his free time.' 'He says he just wants to take it slow.' (a year later)
His take - 'She's a buddy.  A pal with tits.'
My take - 'She has low self esteem, why tolerate being shown one thing yet having the actions of the opposite?'

She said to him - 'I can't get him out of my mind.  I know it won't work but I still can't stop hoping and thinking of him.'
His take - 'DENIAL.'
My take - 'Mother of DENIAL.  The heart wants what it wants but the heart may also not want, that last part is the one we tend to forget.'

Conversation closure:  'So G, what's your take on love.'
My take - 'Fu_ck them if they can't laugh, love or forgive.  Hug them if they taught you how.  Move on and know that the next one may be the one to return it in spades.'  Oh, and never settle for less, if you want love then be loved or walk away.  If he/she can't tell you upfront and in your face where you stand....RUN!

Inspiration - Yep, that conversation inspired me.  To write, to think and to remember that denial is not reality, just the hope of it.  I acknowledge my desires.......do you?


October 08, 2010

Meet my little friend

Meet my new little friend. Not too keen on Silver, a bit bland, BUT after all my red cars were in accidents and the blue one went on fire, I thought I'd see what Silver will bring me.

My Thursday night

This is what my Thursday night is like, 7:00pm, find out NJT will try to eliminate the bus I take to work. 7:30 pm until 3 am - town decides to begin paving my street. I'm barely functioning today!

This is what I would like to send to the NJT and the town for SCREWING up my commute and FU_CKING up my chances of SLEEP:

October 01, 2010

Ending the week right... Nyx to Eros

In Greek mythology Nyx was a goddess of night, she would take form as a great bird with black wings.  She gave birth to Eros who brought light into existence.

It is when I feel most like Nyx, where darkness surrounds me and all seem bleak, that I most need to remember Eros.  Light that came from darkness is a sure way of regaining ones belief in hope.

Nyx to Eros
Truly I spread my wings and take flight
through the darkness I yet find my way
though the journey a lonely one

If there be a storm my wings stay strong
If there be a coldness, my wings are warm
If there be an obstacle, my wings will climb

Truly I spread my wings with hope
to find the light, and see my way
though the journey be alone

If there be a way, it will be light
that comes forth from my darkness
that breathes through my life

From Nyx to Eros.....hope
2010(C)Gracey Castro