Inspiration me....change

I have been allowing the serenity prayer to marinade in my brain....


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

It is in reading this in reverse that I have found it the best way to understand.  The wisdom to know the difference.....

I have spent the better part of two weeks thinking.  When ones life is completely in chaos one must stop, listen and breath.


My breath caught up to me in the place it always does.....the mountains.  It took so long to get there, the commute exhausts me.  Two days in a weekend goes like two hours.  Thanks to the holiday I had two days to rest and two days to get to Serenity and come to peace.


Talking to my Uncle and Aunt does something for me.  Allows me to hear my own voice.  These days one can't have a conversation without interruption.  There...I can talk, repeat and recycle until I understand....me.

I understood what I already knew I just understood further.  I understood that it was time to take action.  If my life were a pie half would be commute and work.  A quarter would be family and the last quarter would be a monotonous occurrence.  Something that doesn't change no matter the hope or belief.  Something that I allow even though no one should.

So there I have it.  I know where the difference is and it is long past time that I make a change and relieve some of life's stress and turmoil.


I can't change family, they are for keeps, what I can change is how much I allow.  This is a good acceptance and I have been working on it.  It's not enough to remove chaos.

I can't change my commute, no matter where I move it's the same hell.  If I leave Jersey again it will be to a year long warmer climate state.  Economically this isn't the time.  I can't change or control this yet.

The pie leaves me with the last quarter.  This I can change, this I can control.  This will give me a quarter of my life where for a while it will hurt, it will despair me but there will be hope that it will become a quarter filled.  Filled with something that is mundane, a monotonous occurrence or momentary respite.

One quarter hope.  One quarter faith.  One quarter relief.  That's a whole lot more then I have had in the last 3 years.


I accept the things I can not change (and hope and have faith that in time it will).
I have the courage to change the things I can (and know that the pain will ease as it should).
I have the wisdom to know the difference (and that was a long time coming).


Letting go, letting be, letting me.  That is my new mantra.

Inspiration me...It's been a while. Can you learn and be inspired from.............quotes and movies?

Can you get inspired by old quotes and movies?  Learn a lesson from just a quote?  I can... let me show you how.


God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. - Reinhold Niebuhr

Wisdom to know the difference - that's where the problem mostly lies.  They say to have hope, but what if the years come and go and hope is still all you have?  They say believe and it shall be.  What if you believe for so long you can't decipher reality from fantasy?  What will courage and serenity do then?

I would say Grant me the wisdom to know the difference, the difference between what can be changed and what can't, then the wisdom to accept it.  The courage to move on and serenity to accept the time it took.


"It's all really very simple. You don't have to choose between being kind to yourself and others. It's one and the same." - Piero Ferrucci

Although in order to be kind to others you must first be kind to yourself.  Learn how, share and you'll habitually be even kinder to both.


Reese: When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different, someone better. When that person is taken from you, what do you become then? ~Person of Interest
What if the person is not taken away but there...they just stopped being the person that connects you to the world.  You don't go finding another...you learn to search for yourself and know that you will meet others along the way.

'It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." ~unknown

Oh...but it's easier to curse the darkness.  Harder to walk through touching you way.  I'll light the candle knowing that if it goes out and I run out of matches... I can curse, walk and still find my way.


And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. ~Tyrion from Game of Thrones

Pretty much all those quotes lead to one thing.  Learn!  Watch and learn, listen and learn, see and learn.  When you find you can't learn...  change what you can, accept what you can't and the courage will teach you the difference.

Inspiration me...the bright side

It usually shocks those that think they know me, but...I give inspirational classes. Teaching people that through the worst of times, keeping oneself positive will help to overcome the obstacles. The teacher is also the perpectual student. My nephew Stewie (his real name is Daniel, I dubbed him Stewie cause he reminds me of the baby in Family Guy)is 6 years old and walks on his tippy toes. After misdiagnosis this Wednesday it was finally stated that he has mild cerebral palsy, he is also Dyslexic. To realize what is in store for him was/is heart breaking. The inspiration that kept me from weeping is his constant smile. The innocence he still carries and the love in his voice whe he says 'I love you Titi' I went to work Thursday after a grueling commute, holiday shoppers and tourists the ruthless day walkers as I call them, blocking every step of the way. People usually follow the 11th hour rule to ask for things. In the middle of it all I get a text from my sister, she is at work in pain and with upset stomach. The pain part got me, this is the sister that follows life like Zena the warrior princess. If she is 'saying' that she is in pain then she must be on the brink of passing out. I convince her to go to the ER instead of waiting for the Dr. Appt that was hours away. 12 hours later during which time it took me over 3 to get to Jersey, go home and get the car then go to her house and walk Whiskey (her dog), then get to the hospital where sis was still in ER. That was only the beginning. Long story short, days later sis is finally doing better, they may let her out soon. The dog is finally sleeping although still sad, I finally got some sleep...Christmas eve passed in a blur. The inspiration that got me through..... Upstate. The thought that soon...don't known when but soon I will be at the mountains, resting, Serenity and Tranquility (Tia and Tio), quiet and hopefully a warm fire place...those thoughts kept me sane. I really had no plans for Christmas, since Dad's death this family died with him. My biggest plan was to just rest and head to upstate Christmas day. Inspiration may be delayed but it will arrive. I learned a few things If you expect nothing you really don't get disappointed I'm not the only one that is left at a hospital even with a large family A pet knows when you're in trouble All dogs should be trained to get along with people and other dogs You don't really miss Christmas dinner, KFC will do just fine People will think of themselves even during a holiday that teaches the opposite It is a miracle more people don't die waiting in the ER It is possible to spill an entire cup of hot coffee on yourself when standing still Xanax won't work whe you are really overly stressed People you trust will betray you and so will their offsprings You can reach the point of no return with others and not lose your compassion in humanity, just your faith in them is lost When all else fails, my mantra gets me through.... Life is not hard...people make it so. Happy Birthday Jesus, at least through it all, I remember what today is about. The birth of hope, faith and forgiveness, from one who taught it by practicing it.

Inspiration me...Footloose and close... Utopia

I went to see the remake of Footloose.  I was pleasantly surprised.  Although a bit modernized with music and moves the plot was mostly the same.

Makes one wonder...why aren't kids that close?  They stuck together to make not only a petition to dance (of all things) but to put together a prom and stand firm on proving all they wanted to do was dance.

Community...do we really have it?  I am a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child.  When my son was younger I did not raise just one boy, when his friends were over they were raised too.  Taught to respect culture, the rules of the house and how to play well with one another.  If a parent had to work late they didn't have to struggle to find someone to take their child to daycare or the next location or even home after practice. We took turns, well actually in the neighborhood we were in, I started it and it just caught on.  A favor for a favor, we watched each others child.  One parent was never in the dark about their kid.

We moved around a bit and it was noticeable that some neighborhoods or some parents just weren't interested.  I remember 3 boys in particular, brothers.  They worked as a team to steal from people.  One would distract the kid, the other an adult and the third would pack up their book bag, pants and jacket.  When caught cops were called.  When I caught them, I made them sit...wait for their father to arrive and they received a lecture, some food, attention and than were ratted out.  Unfortunately, the mother suffered an illness and could not care for them well, the father worked two jobs so the kids raised themselves for the most part.  EVERYONE knew this, it was the schoolyard gossip, but no one did anything.  They were at my home several more times and no, no stealing.  Just hungry little guys that ate, laughed and watched TV.  They grew up to be social misfits, I often think of them and shudder at the lack of interest they were given by their 'community'.

I walk a lot through my commute and see kids these days, especially in the town I live in.  They walk around causing mischief, you hear the neighbors whisper the gossip when they pass but no one stops and talks to them.  I often sit outside to drink coffee and talk to some of the kids, it is amazing how well they speak when given attention.  Their laughter is just medicine for me.  One in particular said 'why bother being nice, they think we are trouble anyway'.  I didn't say so out loud, but I understood their point in a way.  I'm an adult and find it hard to get a conversation with people here and also see them struggle with one another.  What a shame!

Years ago in Puerto Rico during the holidays it didn't matter who had money, the best house or food.  In a village/small town it was agreed that starting around Thanksgiving on the weekends a continuous celebration followed:

Those that played instruments, gathered
Those that could cook would
Those that could afford a trinket for kids wrapped them

Each weekend someone would open their doors to the instant band, catering (potluck) and gift giving.  Much merriment was had but also a community bonded.  They knew one another, each others kids and grandchildren.  Throughout the year the kids walked to school together, parents chatted on the porch, greeted each other all anxious for that season to come on by.

I'm not saying we should have a block party every weekend, I am saying we should know one another, keep an eye on each other's kids and property (I believe they call it neighborhood watch) but most importantly we should be kind to one another.  Would that be a real Utopia?

Inspiration me...Knowing is better than guessing

I release the need to determine how things should be...If you are suffering in your life right now, I can guarantee that this condition is tied up with some kind of attachment to how things should be going. ~Inner Wisdom cards by Dr. Wayne Dyer

Releasing resistance...today I will simply accept.  I will relinquish the need to be in resistance to myself and my environment in any way. I will move forward in joy by accepting where I am right now. ~the language of letting go by Melody Beattie


The first card reminds me of a prayer I say almost daily and for many many years.  Lord, please help me to see things for how they are - and not how I fantasize them to be.

I am really good at getting lost in a fantasy.  Really good at hanging on to hope.  Extremely good at wishing on the best.  The thing about that is one day you realize time has passed, years even and you are still...fantasizing, hoping and wishing.  You're really not...LIVING!

The second card pretty much says how to stop fantasizing, hoping and wishing endlessly, rather believing in yourself and in something better coming along.

I read an article on the 13 ways to tell if someone is not interested.  It was shocking to see how many of the tell tale signs were in my relationships.  How I just wouldn't accept it.  Fantasy, hope and wishes were not happening either.

I am not telling anyone not to fantasize, goodness I would not want people to lose hope or stop believing in wishes.  I am saying to keep track of time, to keep track of self and not lose yourself in those three.  You may just find that many opportunities - better opportunities are just flying by.  You wouldn't want to wake up to reality when those opportunities are no more.

I rather know how someone feels than guess and be wrong.  I rather know when someone is upset or even happy with something I did, I won't guess, I fail miserably at that.  I am a Libra to the core...

Diplomatic and urbane

That's a nice list except a bit much of any can be a bad thing.  Especially romantic and idealistic.



I've learned a few things this year:
The language of letting go; silent or not
You can love from a distance
You can set measures of love and save yourself pain
People will hurt you and not even know or in some cases care
One can not control their love for someone just as much as one can not control not loving someone
I will not give up on fantasizing, hoping and wishing but I will remind myself to live in reality
Sometimes those lists in articles are actually true for some if not all

Romantic and charming
Easygoing and sociable
Idealistic and peaceable

Inspiration me...How to handle stress like...

Well...in a perfect world maybe.


How do you handle stress?


I had two ways - just two.  One was a best friend.  I could go to that person and their zen like way would just melt away the stress.  I depended heavily on that friend, yet the times I could not get that zen made me realize it was temporary at best.


Another is my trips to upstate NY.  My Uncle and Aunt - Serenity and Tranquility.  But there was a time when I had no car and could not get there.  The stress would just eat me away.


I take milestones as a way to reflect.  To see what has changed well and what needs to be changed as life is an ever changing series of moments.  My new milestone is turning 45 in just a week.


The greatest thing that I needed to change is how I handle stress.  I started by eliminating that which I could not control so that I could then focus on the things I could.


I remembered the book  Biting Back by Claudia Cunningham which I read at the beginning of the year.  I used it's examples to see who had to be removed or pushed back.


I eliminated the need to talk to people about what stressed me.  The overabundance of opinions is added stress.


I then started to make new friends - like minded friends.  Awakening my spiritual side.  The writer in me.  The blogger.  The thinker.  Therapy at the tips of my fingers while stroking a keyboard.


I set guidelines on how much drama I would allow (not much these days).  Then I took a good long look at the goals I had set in the last 5 years and how many I achieved.  Not much.


I began to think about those goals and began to reset realistic ones and added a few more.  The whole time knowing that isolating myself for this time was best.  Sometimes when you are so close to the stress, to the ones causing it or even you causing it by connecting with those that do not reciprocate; you lose yourself....Stress!


At the end of this inner quest, where I stand with my new goals on the day of that milestone, I will at the very least know how to handle stress.  Handling it without relying on others.  I am almost there.


The hard part is breaking away from the self made crutches.  The second hard part is walking into the stress, right smack in the middle to face it.  Set aside the ones that can be controlled and eliminate or push back the ones I can't, until stress-free I can adapt.  


There is a practice that has helped me - meditation.  I light a candle and meditate at times thinking of nothing at all, others thinking of a peaceful mountain.  Warm winds flowing and my sitting at the top... stress-less.


People keep saying 40 is the new 30, 45 the new 35.  I say Bullshit!  45 is 45, I love each year I age.


I said something to my Aunt recently that shocked her.  "I love aging, seeing each year arrive and pass knowing there is an end to it all".  Sounds morbid, but I don't say it in such a way.  I think when we see ourselves as immortal as never aging, never dying we don't set goals.  We don't define ourselves in a good manner; be productive.  We just save things for next year.


I know and welcome an end one day.  Hopefully not soon but when it comes my greater hope is that I did not allow stress or depression stop me from living.  I hope that I did not allow foolish fantasies and the chase for love from people that can not and will not reciprocate stop me from living and living a stress-less life.


If I can reach any milestone...may it be that one.  Until then the dogs may just have the right idea.

Inspiration me...I miss you Dad, Happy Birthday

Today my dad would have been 75.  He passed away 4 1/2 years ago.  They say time heals all wounds, I truly don't believe that.  The pain of losing him is as harsh today as the day he died.

I spend a lot of mind time thinking of him.  He always had good things to say that kept one thinking.   He had one of the best sense of humor of anyone I ever met.  He loved comedies, ham and egg and telling jokes.

Here are some of things he taught -

If you have nothing good to say - say nothing.  (Still working on that one, but I have gotten better)
If a man doesn't respect you once, he never will.
Don't dress to please another, please yourself the rest will follow.
If you don't have a sense of humor life will be harder on you.
Kiddo, let go of your son when it is time.  It will be hard, but do it.
Don't stay mad at your sisters, you don't get to pick new ones.
Forgive your mother.  She's your mother.
Always tip the gas attendant near home and work, a woman may need help and they will remember you and say yes.
Never complain about food before they serve you. If you complain don't go back.
Don't make a scene, have your disagreement in private.
Love yourself, when someone stops loving you, you will still be loved.

Most of the above he said throughout my life, however much was said the last 2 years which were his hardest.

Happy Birthday Dad.  I love you and miss you.  My heart aches for your jokes and smile.

Tu hija, Graciela

Inspiration me...Who are those whispers

Years ago I went through a horrific time.  Someone close had not only torn my belief in others but in myself.  I wrote a poem (Who are those whispers that I hear) and won a contest.  The irony was a bit much - winning cash for misery.


I find myself torn by many and yet still not as torn as when I wrote that poem.  Hopefully this one will not be in the same depth, for it is with my writing that I speak my confessions...

Who are those whispers

Who are those whispers that I hear
bringing forth a dark fear
Chanting woes of those close
causing such tremendous throes


Stop those words of malice and deceit
my faith in them knows no retreat
Whisper not the warnings hushed
leave me now for I am crushed


Who are those whispers that I hear
let not my love for them die here
Sing not of their unloving ways
for my hearts song will always pray


2011-Gracey Castro

Inspiration me...Helmet, shield and armor

From the  year 2002 through 2007 consistently life was rough.  One issue after another...work, home, son, personal life, family and friends.  Through those times even though I felt as though things would not get better at my core something would nag.  A constant knowing that all would be well.  I began a series of letters to myself, in poem style.  Letters that would speak of inspiration, trials and surviving.  The one constant theme in all the letters were the helmet, shield and armor.

Each morning I would read an inspiration page, card or verse.  I would them imagine myself putting on a helmet of knowledge.  This helmet would allow me the calm and peace to deal with all the curves ahead in the day.  The shield would protect me while I strengthened and the armor would not allow negativity or malice to pierce through.  Each poem in one way or another would state how I would put that armor on, then I would remind myself of all the things that would inspire me.  Nature, music, books, meditation and/or just walking.

I have been inspired in many ways by many things and people.  It is today though where I was inspired so much I was overwhelmed.

I was invited to speak at an event.  This event was held in a garden where beautiful bushes, trees and flowers nestled in a discreet area.  Harlem, NYC right smack in between of two buildings.  If it were not for the tables outside with the pamphlets of the event, I would have passed it up it was so discreet.  An oasis in the midst of a scary part of town.  In this garden were people with a cause.  To help others in certain situations.  Their passion, voice and longing filled me with even more inspiration.  I had spent a couple of days writing what I would say.  I dug up a poem from 2002...Fighting for Tomorrrow, one of the letters to myself.

What I wrote to say I discarded soon after arriving.  The speakers before me filled my heart with what I would say.  The cause brought me back to a time when I too suffered despair and a kindred spirit arouse within me.

I humbled.  How can I inspire these people who have inspired me?  I worried the poem was not enough, I worried my words would not carry the inspiration they would need.  For they need inspiration.  Their quest is a fight that will take time and energy.  My words would be the last they hear at the event.  The pressure of that sunk in.

Too soon came my time.  I was absorbing so much information, words spoken, the characters before me, the passions I wish I had long ago to make a difference for some else.  I felt...purposeful.

I have given many a class on inspiration and intentions.  Empowering women that fall into my path or I theirs, but this was vastly different.  Something inside me made it clear this was just the beginning.

I spoke of exactly that.  The difference and inspiration I received and the hopes I could return it in a matter of minutes.  I read the poem and silence was heard.  I watched faces absorb the words and my heart filled.

When I was done I realized I was shaking flesh to words.  I looked around and felt...peace.

As I took the train home I realized it all started with yes.  I have said no to many things for so long I had forgotten the gift of yes.  It is late and I am tired.  But...I shall post that poem:

A fight for tomorrow.  ~gracey (some of you will remember my many written words of the helmet, shield and armor)

Yesterday was filled with sorrow

Today was bitter and painful

It is time to prepare for tomorrow

To brace for the disdainful

I place the shield in hand

I put on the helmet of knowledge and peace

These I wear and take a stand

As I feel my inner strength increase

I strap on the strong iron armor

None harm shall pierce through

Not a malice or heartless charmer

Only the pure hearted; the true,

will penetrate its stance

With these battle gears

I shall awaken and advance

Onto a new day….less fears

Copyright© 2007 Graciela Cardenas-Castro

Inspiration me…breathe

Drew Barrymore did a take on Cinderella (Ever After), there is a part where she is standing about to enter the Royal festivities and she tells herself to ‘just breathe’.

In yoga and meditation you begin the same way, you just ‘breathe’.

I suffer from Panic Attacks, going on over 3 years now.  One of things I tell myself over and over is….to just ‘breathe’.  To slow it down to a full breath…inhale…exhale.

I received a call and had to hear my son tell me that it’s official, he is US Army.  Calvary Scout. (Just breathe).  He had initially wanted MP but the post was not available (Just breathe).  I know this description since I had researched the list when he began on this venture - Cavalry Scouts work to obtain, distribute and share vital combat and battlefield information on the enemy and on combat circumstances and environmental conditions. The role originated with the United States Cavalry. (Just breathe).

I had just returned from the surgeons office.  Still no surgery appointment and to top it all off I may have to take the tests again.  (Just breathe).

I look at my life as is…I think of what I would like it to be…the distance in reaching is phenomenal (Just breathe).

He tells me that he deploys on Valentines day, but if he does well in PE than he may leave as early as September (Just breathe).

As the day came to a close and the apartment began to darken I sat and thought of nothing and no one, I just sat there and breathed.  When I reached a point where I realized much time had passed I also realized that I was calm or maybe numb.

It doesn’t matter…right now…all I can handle…. is to ‘Just Breathe’.

07/19/2011

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me…Mountain air….Serenity

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me…Mountain air….Serenity: "There is nothing like Mountain air to just put me at ease. Driving there is just the beginning…watching the landscape change. In the last ..."

Inspiration me…Mountain air….Serenity

There is nothing like Mountain air to just put me at ease.  Driving there is just the beginning…watching the landscape change.

In the last 5 weeks I have gone from near panic…despair and pain to a calmness.  It takes doing some things that I rather not do.

It takes pushing people away.  It’s hard for me to accept that it’s OK to not want to be around people.  To listen to the constant ‘did you try this…maybe it’s that’.  I can guess all by myself.

To listen to barrage of questions when you need to escape them.  To feel as though  you have to explain not having all the answers…I mean really….who does?

The trees don’t antagonize, scrutinize or judge.  They merely sway when the occasional wind passes.  The birds don’t care what you are thinking.  If you whistle it’s enough for them.

The time centering has made me focus.  I look at all the relationships around me and those that exhaust me, I allow a small measure of time if any.

I don’t argue…I simply wish the best (well except for my co-worker, arguing with him is medicinal <grin>)

I listen to the sound of nature.  It talks plainly.  It tells you that no matter what life goes on.

I heard a story of a man whose wife took in a stray cat.  The cat leaves the home occasionally and brings back prizes.  A thank you for the home and affection.  He was holding a bag with 3 dead creatures, mice and chipmunks.

Animals talk plainly.  I love you…here is a present to show you.

I have always said and for years used as my email signature the line…Life is not hard, people make it so.  I still believe that.  People just make things difficult.  Most don’t even see it.

So….until I am grounded from soul to flesh…centered from mind to spirit, I shall continue to allow small doses of humanity into my serenity.  I will allow full doses of nature in.

Inspiration me…today I will

being direct – today I will…own my own power and be direct, and I will be clear and honest in my dealings with other people.  If I’m comfortable with my own truth, then those around me will be comfortable with me, too. ~Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

I release all feelings of worry and guilt…throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done, and worry about what might be done. ~Inner Wisdom cards by Dr. W. Dyer

It makes sense really…be comfortable with who you are…worry and guilt will solve nothing.  Yet uncomfortable is what I feel and am filled with worry and guilt.  I read the cards, I know the meanings and yet…still…

Sometimes people don’t understand what stepping back and building a wall means; at least for me…it means…

Nothing anyone says is helping

In most cases they are saying things that make me feel worse

I may feel let down by some and don’t want to find out if those that are left will do the same

I may even not have the energy to hear another opinion, advice, criticism…etc.

The wall is metaphorical; it’s an emotional obstacle to keep that which can cause me harm at a time when I can’t or don’t have the strength to protect myself.

Like a castle that needs a wall around it, I layer a brick wall around me.  Like the moat that creates further an obstacle, my silence keeps me at bay.  When I can deal with some contact, a small secret passage is opened and one may pass through, even then for a small time.

That castle is more like a recovery center.  Some may say it is an isolation.  But…that is an opinion.

How long does the wall stay up? Who knows? I don’t.  For as long as it takes.  If you are on the other side, than for whatever reason, I am uncomfortable, or I worry that you may cause me harm and I won’t be able to protect myself.  Should I be wrong, trust me, I already feel guilty about it.  But the wall, nonetheless, stays up.

Today I will acknowledge that I recover internally, spiritually and emotionally at my pace…with no concern over what someone else may think. ~gracey castro – My ‘language of letting go’.

Inspiration me...Pause, breathe, be still

Master Key 52:3 - You cannot change the past, but you can evolve the way you respond to it presently. ~Inner Power Wisdom Cards ~Dr. Antonia

Just breathe, again...breathe.  STOP and breathe. ~Uncle

You can break or you can fight. G...FIGHT! ~my conscious

I spent hours going through things in storage looking for my sons documents which he needs for his enlistment to the military.  I was getting more and more nervous.  I can not find them or mine.  I was a result of identification fraud and have been very careful for years with my documents.  Living like a Gypsy the past several months have left me with the remainder of my things in different locations.

The rush to get the documents left me with one panic attack after another.  Not wanting to be the 'reason' that they give him a hard time, as much as I am against his decision, I wanted to find it.

At one point I watched as my mother and sister helped.  None of us happy about the task.  It just seemed pointless.  Slowly but surely this family comes together and my son makes this decision, which pulls him apart.  A decision which my instincts say are made with the wrong reasons.

It wasn't until I got home; at around midnight I am watching TV with the roommate.  A mirage of memories, spinning before my eyes like a kaleidoscope.......My son wanting a job at Shoprite years ago, I gave him his documents so that he could apply.  He wanted to prove being responsible yet he lost the papers.  Again for the job at the theatre, he needed his papers, new originals....never got them back.  He could take care of his own papers he said.....just in case I ordered yet another set of originals.

He either hasn't looked for his or lost them.  I can't locate my set....  I break the news.  He presses on 'I really need them, I have to have to those papers'.  More memories....

I snapped.  The tears stopped, the panic attack stopped, I sat and heard myself 'breathe'.  I vowed I would take the next day (Sunday) to myself.  No chores.  No frantic searches.  No visiting.  No thinking.  Just vegetate.

I called my Uncle and of all that he spoke...I remember two things consistently...'You don't have to go through this alone, you don't have to go through panic attacks alone or Dr.'s appts.'  DON'T - The word of the week.  Don't think! Don't cry! Don't panic!  But this time, it sounded more the like the choice that it really is.  I BREATHED!  That's when I noticed my emotions had finally finished building the wall.  The one that would protect me while I gain strength.  The bricks are settled tight.

It's true...I CAN'T change the past...but I surely will change the way I respond to the present.

Monday morning....First time in a couple of weeks I had no nightmares, no night tremors.  I still cry but no panic attack......Inner Power...Inner Wisdom...Breathe!

Inspiration me…reliability

I bet you think you are reliable.  I bet you are not as reliable as you think.
Harsh!  Isn’t it?  But it’s true.  People when the need is no longer there will say:
Why didn’t you call me, I would have (enter martyr line here)?
If you need me to go with you let me know.
I would have gone with you.
Trust me (my favorite) I’m here for you.
The list goes on….   I can tell you what the unreliable person would say when you take them up on it:
I didn’t hear the phone.  Oh, I would love to but (enter any of a million reasons why not)
See the above, same applies for I would have gone with you
9 out of 10 times, this person isn’t there when needed
Harsh! But true.
The rare few that actually will be there are somewhat trustworthy, they would make their best effort in physically being there if needed…but…one of the following would apply:
You would have to tolerate the 100% negativity.
They will act as if they sacrificed their organs to be there.
They will be late, they will take over the day, you end up wishing you went alone.
Their Type A control freak manner would just make matters worse.
To further extend the above line, they will rather tell you what to do when their know it all attitude is the last thing you need.
There would be conditions.
Their own life is just too busy.
You have tell them your soul secrets first.
So you end up doing things on your own.  And you become the ‘anti social’.  I just get a kick out of that.  You avoid drama and become anti social.
Are you reliable?  Reliable enough to know what an emergency is and treat it as such?  Can you put yourself for a time on the back burner (answer this one honestly)?  When you say you will do something; is your word strong enough for you to not let anything or anyone prevent you from keeping it?  (Extreme and I do mean extreme emergencies of course would apply for cancelling).
Can  you also be the reliable person that doesn’t need to become the martyr?  Not telling the world what you did in great measures (that in all honesty was either a ride, a shoulder or hand holding during a crisis)?
If you are – stand on a podium because you are rare, near extinct and probably didn’t answer truthfully.
Whether you are or you are not, the old adage is true. Actions speak louder then words.
Reliable - Noun: A person or thing with such trustworthy qualities.
Adjective: Consistently good in quality or performance; able to be trusted.

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me...Crazy Pasta

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me...Crazy Pasta: "Letting go of panic - today I will - not be over-whelmed by panic. Panic will take my mind off my goals. It's normal to feel panic, but I si..."

Inspiration me...Crazy Pasta

Letting go of panic - today I will - not be over-whelmed by panic. Panic will take my mind off my goals. It's normal to feel panic, but I simply feel it and let it go. I can get back on track by treading water until I regain my composure. I relax and know that all is well. ~Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The loving innocent world of animals serves as a good example for me. The more you stop to observe animals and learn from them, the more healthy and peaceful your life will be. ~Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. W. Dyer

Even my dreams are gloomy and morbid.  How does one control that?  Heart heavy and mind full, I can only muster the energy for work.  Once the time comes to go home, as the commute begins my mind begins to numb.  I don't fight it as it has become a way to deal.

The one memory that keeps coming to mind is Crazy Pasta.  Many years ago I was very sick.  Most Dr.'s gave me an end date.  A few would just tell me to hope.  I prayed.  No insurance, no job and a small boy with beautiful hopeful eyes.

One day I was down to the last of food.  A few boxes of pasta, individually each would not fill an infant, together it would fill a child and perhaps give me a nibble.  I prayed the whole time I emptied each box into boiling water.  Psalm 23...my favorite.

The milk was gone, plenty tap water, no dessert and bread was a luxury.  Oatmeal was our staple food for breakfast and lunch.  But whenever that boy looked at me... I smiled.  It would take time before I would receive charity.  I prayed for my health to turn even against the odds, I prayed for food, I prayed for a job, I prayed for my son.

The pasta was ready...I drained it; amazed.  It was incredible how much was in there.  Angel hair, penne, spaghetti and ziti.  Honestly, barely 3 or 4 strands or rolls in each box....but then it was plenty.   There was enough to feed my son and myself for a couple of days.  The bit of sauce mixed with water seemed to thicken before my eyes.  Enough to cover the lot.

As I teared I poured the mixed pasta onto plates.  My son looked and said 'CRAZY PASTA'.  I cried while eating in both amazement and gratitude.  A past co-worker had stopped by unannounced and watched the plates.  As I poured him water he said nothing.  A British man that I will never forget, long gone back to his country now.  He said he would be right back, he walked out of the apartment and he came back with 4 bags of groceries, left them at the door, rang the bell and left.  For a month thereafter another past worker; a friendly guy from Guyana had gotten word and would bring groceries, take me to appointments and watch my son.

A couple of months later I was working, my health vastly improving, I came home and asked my son, 'what would you like for dinner?'  CRAZY PASTA.  For years he would ask at least once a week and I would take different boxes and make it for him.

I guess it is the hope that was born in me at that time that makes me remember.  I guess it's the fact that the small boy now a young man no longer asks or may not even remember Crazy Pasta.  I guess it's in knowing that I kept poverty and sickness from him while smiling.  I guess it's knowing that even though Crazy Pasta won't help, letting go of panic and remembering the start of it all....Psalm 23 helped.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures...........

The Watcher's Notes: Strength

The Watcher's Notes: Strength: "They say that you get only as much as you can handle. Well that's a load of crap! It seems just waking up is enough for me to receive ano..."

inspiration me...Hints for life (author unknown)

"Eleven Hints for Life"


1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.  But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

- Unknown

Inspiration me...Appreciate

It's one of those weeks let alone one of those days where inspiration is needed most....

I appreciate all that I am and all that I have. Stop focusing on what you do not have, and shift  your consciousness to an appreciation for all that you are and all that you do have. ~ Inner Wisdom Cards by Wayne Dyer

Gratitude is the least of the virtues, but ingratitude is the worst of vices. ~Thomas Fuller


Sometimes appreciating is best when you have the least.  You can either feel sorry for  yourself or stand tall, be grateful for life and all you have left and move on.  Let go of the pity party and plan the fiesta!