Hello Everyone,

October 2015

I love October, not just because it is my birthday month but because the air changes, the season changes, the time changes.

It is when we must embrace the fact that the time change will have us seeing the dark sooner. A time when the trees begin to let loose the leaves, orange, brown and yellow leaves flying about.

It is the time when the ghouls and horrors are seen in decorations, shows, movies and parties.

It is the time when we say farewell to the summer heat, smile toward the cooler weather and wonder of the winter to come.

Happy October! May there be light within you to shine upon the earlier darker hours. May the ghouls and gremlins that ring the door bell make you smile and partake in trick or treat.

May you embrace the change in season knowing... it will bring us back to Spring soon enough.

I have added a tab - Whisper my words, which is a link to my site where I post stories, poems, AndMore events and the Watcher's Journal. Take a peek and enjoy.



December 31, 2010

AndMore...humor or lack of

Someone made a comment that triggered a conversation.  'No one has a sense of humor anymore.'

The reality is - we live in a sensitive society.  We must be politically correct or else.  You can't make jokes or you're a racist, insensitive, bitter or sarcastic.  Even the animal people get all riled up about animal jokes.  The question 'why did the chicken cross the road' will be one of life's mystery now.

We live and are forced into a society of egg shells.  Tippy toe around knowing you will step on one and the sound will be heard for miles.

Friends lying to friends, on the rare occasion one tells the truth, all hell breaks loose.  Workers lying, family lying, politicians STILL lying.  It's a wonder we don't walk around with polygraph strips (note to self: invent polygraph strips).

I walked through the snow covered streets, thinking.......a blanket of lies.  The beautiful snow covers the dirty streets.  The shiny top deceiving it's icy danger or slushy disaster.

Where is the hope in it all?

It's in the rare people that still exist, the ones that tell it like it is and gladly receives it as it is.  It's in the rare people that will joke of your culture and chuckle when you return the favor.  Teehee

It's in the time the snow falls - still with promise and when it melts; reminding us of what lies beneath.

It's in knowing that the dumb chicken shouldn't be on a road and in an OVEN.

It's in the moments.  The moments we let our guard down and accept people; scars and all.  The moments others accept you; scars and all.

It's when we realize that when all fails, the lucky ones have a sense of humor to help them through it.

December 13, 2010


Let's see - where were we on the list of types of people I despise.......

Whiners - Why the fuck these people don't just shut the hell up is a lost clue.  Don't ever make the mistake of asking a whiner a simple question like 'how are you?'  Before you know it you will have the measurements of their colon, their spouses bad habits in alphabetical order and a list of all their meds as well as when the refills are due.

Lazy motherfuckers - DESPISE THESE PEOPLE!  You bust your ass all day and watch them dilly dally while earning money.  Man would I love to gather all of them up and air drop them into a factory in China.  Then they would appreciate their jobs.

Eternal victims - A swift kick in the ass is what these people need.  In this day and age, there are group sessions for everything!  Got a fucking hang nail, GROUP SESSION.  There is absolutely no reason for anyone above the age of 18 to be a victim of someone Else's mind game.  Unless of course Hannibal is your neighbor, then your just FUCKED.

Criers - I mean you have to let something out, by all means do.  But at least learn how to fucking speak while you are crying, I am not United Nations!

Broke ass motherfuckers - I'm a broke ass motherfucker, why come to me if you are one????  It's not like I SHIT MONEY.

Bible beaters - close cousin to bible thumpers.  Everything is God's fault.  'God will punish you.' 'Why, God? Why me?' 'Pray to God and it will all go away'.  I mean really?  Really?  If that were the case he would not have given us brains.  Try putting a thought and effort together, he has other stuff to do you know.  Praying to win the lottery????  He must just laugh at your ass.  Telling someone to go to church or they will go to hell is really a sick mind trip.  How about something a bit more pleasant like....Want love?  Talk to God!  There's a thought.

Atheists - FUCK YOU!  You don't believe in shit that's your problem, stop pissing all over someone else's parade!

Sales people - There's a fucking recession - WORLD WIDE!  Stop calling people!  We ain't got shit, hell even our piss isn't ours anymore.

Self made journalist - These people should just have their larynx removed.  They hear a bit of news, don't bother to follow up or actually listen to all of it and just vomit wrong information all over the place.  These people are the siblings of Chaos and Mayhem.

People!  They just make my ass twitch!

December 09, 2010

Inspiration me...I think it's time for some inspiration

I look for the meaning of life within myself...If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life, you can't find it in the opinions or the beliefs that have been handed to you.  You have to go to that place within yourself. ~Dr. W. Dyer

Enjoying life - today I will do something just for the fun of it. I will find something to do that's just for me, and I won't worry about what I "should" be doing.  I will learn how to make myself feel good and enjoy life to the fullest. ~Melody Beattie, the language of letting go

Since I really needed some inspiration I decided to pull two cards from different decks, imagine my surprise when they both touched on life and how you must live it and live it by knowing yourself.

I was on the bus this morning thinking of my childhood.  I was driving through the very town I grew up in.  No matter the change of the landscape, the old historical buildings were enough to remind me of....
Walking the main avenue no matter the weather and just enjoying the walk.
Running about in the small park, just because.
Going to the arcade (which isn't there anymore) and spending hours with Atari and PacMan.
Mostly I remembered that happiness was something I felt when I just got up, got out and breathed the air slowly while walking.  Sitting on benches always with a notebook and pen in hand, writing all that fell before my eyes.

I inspire me this...to write new material on all the pages of my web site this week.  To do so writing with all the words I want to say and no stopping to what others may not want to read.

I inspire you this...Walk the main avenue of your memory, pull one that tells you what you did that just made you 'live' and relive it.

December 07, 2010

AndMore...hear me roar

The body tells you when you have had enough.  When you are too ignorant to listen.

I have been on a path of finding my true self, having lost me a while back.  That woman that would roar.  Long past hope, fear, being a victim or a cause of circumstance.  Here is the warning, heed my roar.

To the ones that seek the money god and it's pot of gold.  There is no such god.  Be gone with you.
To the ones that seek to control my very spirit.  BRING IT!  I long to give an ass whoopin.
To the ones that seek to share their hypocritical ways.  FUCK YOU!  KISS MY ASS! Read it till you believe it.
To the control freaks that think they can run your lives.  Run your own it's a mess!
To the lazy motherfuckers that complain all day without an ounce of gratitude.  KARMA is knocking on your door!
To the negative people; the naysayers; the ones that in their small hearts mean you harm.  I'M BACK!  And POSITIVELY capable of proving your dumb ass will not piss on my parade.

I found me.  I have a plan and it does not entail being that person that waits on hope.  I believe in destiny and our God given right to assist in it's making.

I shed not an ounce of tear again for the ones that are listed above.  Swim to shore, spit until the flames burn out, run until the darkness fades, but rest assure on this......I am no longer the buoy, the hose or the light to your path.  I pray to no money god so don't seek it here.

For those that remember that me of long ago, hello, I have missed you, I'm back!

I may at times break, but I always find every single piece and have mastered reassembling to where there are no crack lines.

Did you hear that?  Did you hear my roar?

It may sound like a purr...........

December 03, 2010

Inspiration me...ending the week right...I answer to myself

I answer to myself and no one else...The person looking back at you in the mirror is the one you have to answer to every day. ~Wayne Dyer

Very appropriate card.  I have noticed that the misery of commute, the exhaustion of the daily grind in which time escapes me has led me to become somewhat of an OK answering person.

Even though my instinct says otherwise I will say OK and try the other person (who ever it is that day) method; then get upset when what I 'knew' would happen or not happen, happened or didn't happen.  I have been alone for most of my adult life.  A single parent for most of my sons life.  I answered to no one.  It's not like anyone was lining up to take the fall.  Yet somehow in the last 2 years that changed drastically.

Recently I find myself in a situation where I am forced to remember that I answer to NO ONE.  That no matter what, failures and success in my life will be my doing for people will only take credit for the success.

I inspire you this - take a stand for yourself.  Say what you want and as long as morality, laws and goodness are not compromised, trust in yourself to know how to get it.

I inspire me this - That G from years ago, slowly surfaces.  Watch out!  For she answers to NO ONE!!!!

December 02, 2010

Inspiration me...change

By definition change is:
1 a : to make different in some particular : alter change the will> b : to make radically different : transform change human nature> c : to give a different position, course, or direction to
2 a : to replace with another change the subject>

There is so much I want to change; so little that I can.  I can only change me.  So when someone is negative and I can't turn it to positive, I change by not being so available to the person.

If I love and the love is not returned, I change by avoiding the person until I can see them for the uninterested person they are.

If I have to argue, explain myself or do anything that makes me feel angry or uncomfortable I am that much quicker to reach the point of no return.

I no longer and haven't for quite some time believe that you can make an impact and change someone.  You can make an impact to cause one to think, but ultimately they have to want to change for themselves.  Or you have to change your expectations or self.

People are more and more learning the skills of a Chameleon.  Adjusting their skin/selves to the immediate environment.  You just never know if you will meet the real person, I believe in most cases they don't know which is their real selves either.

To find inspiration in all of this a penpal from Ireland wrote something that really helped.

A person shall you their real self because they are proud of who they are - that is the person that matters in your life, remains and with no adjustment to their environment.  A person of value to ones life will even dare to be different to your skin/self if that is who they are. ~TVP (I could not have found or said it better).

I inspire me this - to see people for who they really are because I am after all The Watcher and observant.

I inspire you this - If but for an hour a day, be the you - you want to be.

December 01, 2010

Dear Diary...I'm all wet

Dear Diary,

Long past are the days where anything is made to last.  Nothing is American made anymore and I am sure other countries are purposely FUCKING up products knowing we will get them.  Then again if I had to make things for another country for $.75 a week, I probably wouldn't make a strong effort.

Oh Diary, I remember as a child one would get a nice umbrella and that BITCH UMBRELLA would last the whole school year.  Actually, one would get upset because it lasted so long you couldn't get a nice bright pink one like that little diva BYTCH Veronica I grew up with.

Instead Diary, one must spend 12+ dollars for a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT that won't last a block let alone a rain storm.  This CESSPOOL of an island is known for the umbrella stack.  Even Letterman dressed a child on his talk show as NY trash can with broken umbrellas sticking out for Halloween.

Diary...I bought an umbrella yesterday 12+ FUCKING DOLLARS and the PIECE OF SHIT didn't last a block.  There I was in torrential rains, wind storms that made my panties cringe, droplets of water from clouds mocking this Island with a downpour that threatened the doom met in Sodom and Gomorrah; holding on to the PIECE OF SHIT umbrella that immediately turned inside out.  The cheap ass arms that is supposed to hold the fabric twisting like a lepers infested limb.

Dearest Diary, is it me?  IS IT ME?  IS IT FUCKING ME?????? Or is there an umbrella conspiracy to make people buy the PIECE OF SHIT at the price of a long lasting item with the manufacturing of a one time disposable product?

Diary...would it be too much to ask to have a small window, a window where I could have the person that created these umbrellas in a room and an empty jar of Vaseline so I could RAM ONE OF THESE PIECE OF SHIT umbrellas up their ASS?????  Without repercussions from the law?  Really???? Is it so much to ask??????

Now I sit at my desk with kinky hair that won't settle down.  Wet jeans that weigh me down.  A soaking bra that won't make the day.  Socks that squish - squish with every step and a day old umbrella that WON'T FUCKING CLOSE.

November 30, 2010

Dear Diary...if home is where the heart is?...Tis not fair I say

If home is where the heart is, what happens when your heart is lost.

Ever the gypsy I land where my feet take me.  The landscape though different brings the same storms.  Diary why do I suffer to accept humanities atrocities?

People make promises they don't intend to keep.  Yet, the law says I can't beat the shit out of them.  Tis not fair I say.

They cram a bunch of seats in a bus, you could lick the seat in front of you without leaning forward.  People insist on reclining to the point where you could lick their forehead.  Yet, the law says I can't give them a karate chop to the throat.  Tis not fair I say.

You try to help people and they just take and take and take until there is nothing left.  Yet, the church says give more while taking a lot for themselves.  Tis not fair I say. (Had more to day but I'm already on that bus to hell).

I drive on the highway, all the way to the right, slightly above speeding limit and people insist on tailgating, high beaming as if they were royalty and you should move out of the way instead of their using the PASSING lane.  Yet, the law says I can't side swipe them into the nearest set of trees.  Tis not fair I say.

I watch as friends struggle to get a slice a bread, then watch daily as others do nothing all day for a free check.  Yet, the law says I can't take those lazy FUCKERS to the nearest shelter and lock them in there for a few days so they learn appreciation.  Tis not fair I say.

Diary...if home is where the heart is....then what happens when your heart is lost?.....Tis not fair I say!

November 23, 2010

AndMore...I must tolerate people, I must tolerate people, I must NOT beat up people

People just make me sick.  The whiners are the worst...you just can't shut them the FUCK up.  But second in line are the passive aggressive people, PUSSIES all of them!

PICK one you are either mad and ready to do some time or your a victim bendind over for some more.  I just fucking hate it when I have to decipher those sociopaths.  For example:  The bus I ride now (don't know if it's due to the holiday) is not full.  There are plenty of seats for the people on the line and then some.  But for some reason I always get some passive aggressive motherfucker that sits next to me.  They make noises or angry eye contact because the light from the netbook screen is bothering their nap.  This isn't a hotel on wheels DUMBASS.  When I give them the 'what the FUCK are you looking at' look, they smile submissively.  YEAH YOU NOSEY DUMBASS!

Whiners - at 6:30am I don't want conversation.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Bring a book, laptop, MP3 player, vibrator....I don't care what but I am not on the bus to entertain you.

The askers - Man I wish I could just put my foot up the ass of these people.  They go out of their way to bother you and ask questions about shit that has SIGNS posted with answers everywhere, then they go and ask someone else when you give them the answer and point to the signs.  This goes on until the bus arrives.  They should just crawl in a box and wait to be buried - USELESS MOTHERFUCKERS!

The line cutters - these people are lucky there are laws in place to protect their sorry ass.  These are either elderly, foreigner or Americans pretending to be foreigner.  There could be a line of 30 people and they will just SQUEEZE into the line, usually irritating the first 5 people on the line.  Even though they get yelled at to the go to the end of the line, while they walk to the end they repeatedly try to cut the line.  Usually when they reach me I bare my teeth like a rabid raccoon. (Note to self, get something that will make my mouth look like it's foaming....make sure it's tasty).

Talkers - I can't BYTCH about these people enough.  On the phone for the whole 2 hour drive talking about everything under the sun and ALWAYS I mean ALWAYS these people talk about personal shit.  They could be sitting several seats ahead or behind and you can hear them like they are right next to you.  DESPISE THEM!

SNORERS - they got shit for that now.  Tape, plug or stuff your nose.  CRAP!  I don't want to hear noises that vary from someone having diarrhea to a trumpet at a parade.  I nearly DIED of a heart attack with one guy last evening that would purr for a bit then let out a ROAR of a snore.

Man, if there weren't witnesses around.........................

November 22, 2010

Inspiration me...Moon me

I have always appreciated the moon.  In the dark of the night it brightens enough to show you what's out there.  When full and in view it's magnificent sight soothes me.  On a long journey home it give me hope.  That frenemy hope.

You have to wait several weeks before each full moon, yet once that times passes it is there.  You get a treat once a year with a blue moon, when you see a full moon twice in a month.

In the darkest hour of your mind and heart...in the way of hope it gives you a soothing peace.

I would even say that the Moon inspires me.  Many times over.

It reminds me that even when hope betrays hope also provides, it all depends on how you look at it.

Go ahead, peek outside, look up at the lively moon tonight.

Move Along

My dad used to say that you know who your friends were when you saw who visited you at the hospital, call when your child is very sick, stand strong when time weaken you and when you move.

Saturday 7am - the calls began, the excuses I have to admit were pretty unique.  The part that is most disturbing is that these are people that volunteered.  The only person that I knew would not make it in advance is someone that had been sick with the flu.

The trusty family friend was there, my sister, her husband and my nephew who brought along another teenager.  My son who had to work that afternoon was there as well.  Of all my moves and there has been plenty this one ran the smoothest.  Meal time breaks were even just as smooth.

The morning did start with a panic attack and finding out I packed my meds.  But...by the time my sis got there, I just grabbed her hand and she talked me through it.  It was the last attack since that morning.

That first night I slept with a peace and comfort I had not felt in several months.  Sunday morning I began the task of unpacking the boxes that would remain in the house, all else already in storage.  By 4pm 80% if not more was completed.  Another peaceful nights rest.

As I sit in the bus for that long ride I was told several years ago.  'Many people think they have many friends and great family.  But...the reality is few have that.  We have wanderers that slip into and out of our lives and if we're lucky there are a couple to a few that hang around.'  That's a true statement.

I also remembered something else - through thick and thin, my sis and I stand together.  That family friend stood tall beside us and the feeling of love was great.

That song plays in my head, Move Along.  Appropriate to say the least.

November 19, 2010

Inspiration me...Greater picture

Keeping a word I made to myself recently has proved difficult.  I vowed that for every rant I wrote or spoke, I would write or speak two inspirational writings and outweigh the negative.

Tonight...I get home at the latest hour yet, barely anytime for the last of the packing.  In the morning I begin a new journey.  Before a panic attack could sneak in, I just relax.  I turn on the TV, no particular channel, mostly for company and noise.

After a while I realize that the 700 Club is on, I never watch it.  Skeptical to say the least of their motives.  Yet an interview was in play.  Mathew West and his new CD (never heard of him).

He reached out to his fans and asked that they send him their stories.  He had already cut an album that did well in and out of the Christian faith.  An album of his trials and tribulations.  His request he expected would send about a hundred or so of letters, so overwhelmed he rented a cabin and locked himself in with 10,000+ letters.  The result..... his new album - The Story of Your Life.

He spoke of the overwhelming feelings while reading people's stories, 'the good, the bad and the ugly'.

He sang a song that just overwhelmed me.  So beautiful, so powerful, so inspirational that I immediately googled the CD for purchase.  The song?  My own little world, population 1.

That song could not have been more appropriate for me to hear at that moment.

It's not my own little world and it sure isn't population 1 anymore.  But most of all, he asked himself something in the lyrics?  What I have I done for another lately.

Matthew West, I shall not forget that name.  And I anxiously wait for the CD to hear how he took those stories and spun them into song.

A moment of time trapped in an interview from TV.  Yes.....I live for the moments.

November 18, 2010

Inspiration me...resurrection

In my culture we reach a certain age and are taught of a plant.  We call it the Prosperity plant.  The plant when dry balls up, when you water it, it will open up.  The plant itself is a family of the cacti.

I have always had one or more since I was a teenager.  The plant always fascinates me.  When I forget all about the plant (since I store high and out of sight) at times I find that it is balled up and brittle and brown.  I pour some water and it opens up as time goes by a light green can be seen.

At times I feel like this plant.  Forgotten, dried out and balled up, huddled defensively.  Alive yet you wouldn't know it by looking.  Then moments happen.....

A moment of caring, happiness, hope, of planning, change, of feeling alive.  Like water over me; I blossom for that moment/s.  I open up, brighten up, stretch out and live.  Soaking in those moments like water, hoping there will be no drought.  Knowing there will be a drought.

Like that plant I resurrect.  I long for the moment as it does for water and when denied........

Bring me the moments...

November 16, 2010

Inspiration me...Moving along

Moving...that word can bring many images and some scarey.  That word has been in a sentence or a few each day for weeks now when I speak or write.

But what of moving along with situations?

I sat across someone that spoke with a silk tongue.  Each word laced with a sacchrine sweetness.  Before I sat across this person I had already moved along.

You see, I truly believe that there are some people in this world that are best avoided.  The ones that suck the life out of you.  The ones that speak in circles.  The ones that set traps for no reason other than personal enjoyment.

This person was all of the above.  What I have learned in my life thus far is that Karma is real and it bites you in the bum when you least expect it.  Knowing that I sat with the frame of mind that I can not change a person let alone their thoughts.  That nothing would be resolved.  That I will never get those minutes of my life back wasted listening to empty words.

Gloria Steinem said it best 'There are many people trying to meet the right person than become the right person.'

So when I move along from a person, I let them speak their empty words and hold on to none.  I shrug for I know that there are bigger issues to resolve.  I remember that those people remind me what and how not to be.

I think of a past lover that used to tell me 'Si no tiene nada bueno que dicir.....pues no diga nada'  You have nothing good to say....than say nothing.  It is with these people that learn to say nothing.

Inspiration me?  I inspire me - I inspire you to move along.  Life is too short to waste on those that are stuck in time.  Life has too many wonders left to show to allow anyone to take that joy away.

I am inspired to move along........

November 15, 2010

AndMore...Beauty school drop out

Ever had one of those days that you knew would lead you to one of those moments?  The moment where you will either go over the edge completely and open a can of WHOOP ASS or where you will for some dumb reason laugh maniacally about something that no one else sees, hears or understands?

I get to the train station only to find out that I left my phone at work.  I get to the bus station and there are no buses but a lot of people.

Route 3 as usual is backed up, it's now 8pm and my nerves are shot.  I'm tired, I don't feel well and I will get home too late and too tired to finish packing.

I remember that the filter in my water pitcher is long overdue so I stop at the town Walgreen.  There is a woman that is walking down the aisle where the filters are shelved.  She is on the phone and has a carriage plus a purse that Samsonite would envy.

She is at a crawling pace and talking about her daughter 'the good for nothing'.  I finally get to the mid aisle and grab the filter.  I go to the ONLY cashier that is open and there are 7 people on line.  Other clerks are roaming about oblivious to the cashier that is paging them to open other registers.  I begin to count.

As I count I stare at the cashier and am mesmerized.  What a butt ugly female.  Her hair is so greasy it is plastered to her head, the bangs clumped together.  She has one brow and it is the hairiest I have ever seen.  She has a slight shadow of a mustache and chapped lips.  No makeup and shallow eyes that scream 'I haven't slept since birth'.  I used to sell MaryKay and I took classes on cosmetology so I would know what the heck I was doing when selling the products.  I kept thinking, if I could I would......

Throw her into a tub with antibacterial and hire someone to bathe her.  I would have them use a rake on her hair to get those clumps of dirt out.  I would then take a lawn mower and divide that brow, hire the best waxer and have them torment her until there was a shape.  Then I would apply some makeup on her face and shalaque it so it is permanent.  Why someone would be so negligent with themselves is beyond me.

By the time I had completed that visual I was the next person to reach her.  I thought to myself that I was mean, how could I think all those things about someone I did not know.  The person ahead of me takes out a rubber banded stack of coupons.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????

It takes forever and I lost count.  I start to think that maybe I would just lie to the cashier and tell her she won a trip to the zoo and drop her off the nearest MaryKay seminar.  Those things are a whack, but you leave fully made over.

I am next and I look at her pin to see her name and I lost it.  Completely LOST IT.  I am laughing so hard that tears roll down both cheeks, my legs are in a pretzel twist and I am really close to the age old Pee Pee dance.  The people behind me are either smiling, grinning or considering dialing for help.  I laugh so much that I took the filter and stepped off the line.

After a long period and a few customers I get back on the line and the cashier is smiling. 'What is so funny?'  I lose it again.  I leave the filter and walk out.

An elderly woman was waiting outside that had left earlier, she asked 'Are you alright?'  So I tell her about my day, than of my thoughts, she interrupted 'that's not a nice thing to think of someone.'

I asked that hag 'Did you look at her name tag?'  She said 'As a matter of fact I did, her name is XYZ, a very nice young lady.'

I said 'Below her name, it says Beauty Advisor.'

It took a few minutes, but the hag just busted a gut.  As I drove off, I looked in the rear view mirror to see that the hag was still by the door laughing and unless I was imagining, I would swear she was doing the Pee Pee dance.

AndMore...That steak screamed

A while ago I wrote about finding a restaurant where I could go and have a nice steak dinner.  I occasionally go carrying a good book and some me time.

This weekend a family friend and her mother came over to help me pack.  I wanted to treat them to dinner as a thank you.  And of course the fact that I was salivating for that petite sirloin had a pinch to do with it also.

Throughout the packing I kept bragging about the steak, the service and anything else that consisted of that restaurant.

We finished (for the most part) the packing.  Now the 'mom' was in the hospital for a few days and this was her first 'outting' since then.  I didn't care!  I wanted that damn steak and if she can go to my place and 'supervise' us packing she can extend herself to going to a restaurant.  (Avoiding the tired look in her eyes was easier then I thought).

Her daughter apparently cared less than I did.  (And people thought there was only one of me out there).

We get to the mall where the restaurant is nestled at a corner of the food court.  To save on trying to figure out who is who, let's call her Mom......oh I don't know......Mom!  And her daughter.......the daughter.  I will continue to be................me.

Mom is claustrophobic (I can relate), so when we walk into the restaurant and realize there is a wait, she is fussing about.  I find a spot where there is space to my left and right (she is basically on her own).  The daughter pretty much couldn't care less if Mom and I had an epileptic attack, she found herself a corner and was happy with it.  Hate non claustrophobic people!

As we wait, I notice that the section I normally sit at and where the two weekend waiters that are worth their salt work in, was busy and those FUCKERS didn't look like they were leaving any time soon.

It really wasn't all that long a wait, or perhaps the fat fuck guy that kept staring at my tits while ignoring his whiny wife distracted me from the time.

A very young walker (They are called hosts, but this BYTCH was anything but), came by and said 'FOLLOW ME'.  Well if I had a battery up my ass or a skate board I might have been able to.  She all but did an Olympic run to the table.  She planted menus and left, straight to the waiting ears of a waiter (now I admit he was looker).

Orders:  A Phantom waitress comes over with pen and notebook in hand and we order:  Fire wings to share, I get wine, the daughter ETERNAL WUSS gets water and her mother gets.................Oh Fuck what did she get?......a glass of something.

20 minutes later our drinks arrive, I ask the 'phanton' if the appetizer was ordered she said yes.  I was already peeved that she did not bring the customary bread (a well seasoned biscuit that comes close to the Red Lobster one, they advertise all you can eat, but in reality they bring one for each customer), this BYTCH brought none.  But these are family friends and I don't want them to see that 'other' Gracey.

Meal order:  Me - Petite Sirloin, medium well, grilled asparagus, white cheddar mashed potatoes.  The daughter ordered the same only she wanted her animal dead and re killed (well done), Mom ordered a pasta dish.

The wings come out.  We have no utensils and not enough plates to go around (WTF????), I ask for utensils and napkins.  The 'phantom' who is not the disappears after we placed the meal order (probably getting laid because the looker was missing also), we inherited a new waiter that fumbled about.  He says his scripted apologies and runs off SUPPOSING LY to get the utensils and napkins.  He also disappeared into the abyss.

The fury begins:  I used a napkin instead of a plate to eat now cold wings.  Food arrived and both steaks gave a scream when poked.  The blood flowed to the mashed potatoes turning them into a Hello Kitty pink.

The Phantom was no where to be found.  My caution for the other two were unfounded.  The daughter began a rant on the Manager like a terrier on an ass.  I cut in because my OCD does not allow a complaint to be said without structure.

The Phantom waitress barely showed herself, no utensils, the steaks were MOOOOOING, no plates.  The daughter had a back up chorus going on 'Service sucks'.

End result:  I didn't have to pay for the 5 ounces of wine I drank, the cold wings or Mom's dinner (which was pretty good).

End result:  Mom was terrified after seeing us foaming at the mouth.

End result:  We got gift certificates for another trip.

End result:  All that salivating and I ended up with a Subway tuna sandwich.

End result:  Customer Service in this world SUCKS!

End result:  The daughter is crazier than I am.

Final End result:  Cooks should be just that COOKS, as I stated in my letter to the Corporate office.  Waitresses should be just that waitresses, also in the letter.  Animals should be dead long before landing on the plate, yep, on the letter too.

With the way I suffer for food it amazes me I have the size ass I do!

November 13, 2010

Inspiration me....panic

I developed panic attacks a couple of years ago, when I lived with a psycho and worked for another one.  At first I thought I was having a heart attack, then I hoped I was having a heart attack.

The pain unbearable.  The hyper breathing adding to it.  The cold sweats and the sheer panic....horrible.

For the past several months I had not had them until one night a brick fell on my reality.  Then more bricks on other realities.  The insomnia I had not felt crept back with a vengeance.

As I pack to move feeling that familiar feeling of not knowing a home.  Of not knowing where I belong.  I felt the cold sweat, the heavy breathing, the pain.  I stop packing and I sit.  This is one of those times where I would write to my friend, write out the pain, the fears, the insecurities.  But I can't, not anymore.  So....the pain increases, the breathing more labored and I then hold onto to my chest.

Then I just cry and as fast as I start...I stop.  There is no time for tears.  I take deep breaths over and over.  I chant my mantra.  I pray for God to give me strength.

Inspire me...someone...anyone....then I hear my father's voice.  I miss that man so much.  "Kiddo, you're stronger then you think."

He had such belief in me like no other.  I grabbed the first book I saw that wasn't packed.  Good ole Jessica Shepherd.

'As you are generous with your truth, the truth will be generous with you.'  Yes...the truth is, I am stronger then I believe.

I breathe easier.  I feel less pain.  The room no longer spins.  'Thanks Dad.'

I wait for the family friend that will arrive to help with the last of the packing and I am grateful that panic attack is passing.  I am grateful for more than that.

November 11, 2010

Inspiration me.....Veterans Day

To all Veterans....I appreciate you!

I also appreciate that you remind me of some things.......like........

No matter how bad I may think a job, boss, commute or co-workers in my lifetime - it would be nothing in comparison to your job.

On the worst day our boss doesn't send us to the front line.
On our worst day we can quit and not face court martial.
When we bid goodnight to one another it is not with the fear that it may be our last farewell.
On the worst traffic day we still don't have to worry about mine fields.
We can say no to our boss and the worst may be insubordination - not lock up.
Our storms are rain, hail and snow......not bullets and missiles.
Getting along with one another is a choice not a life and death necessity.
I have no issue with putting foot to ass for my country, but the most fighting I have to do is in explaining some of my actions and words.  Not a daily war in a distant land under command.
We always know why we are told to do something, are at least in my job prepared for the consequences which are not fatal, our religious belief intact, our morals intact and with no call to harm another.
We willingly enter employment and leave.  You willingly enter and must stay your term.

I appreciate you.  For defending our country - our lives, whether you are given the reason or not.  I appreciate your fallen co-workers, the bosses that must live with their commands.  I appreciate each and every Veteran and active man and woman each and every day I have the liberty to work the way I do.

2010©Gracey Castro

November 10, 2010

Inspiration me....being positive

Since my house burned down I now have a better view of the rising sun. ~Mather Fox

How positive is that?  VERY!  If you're sadistic enough it even has a hint of humor.

How positive can one be when........

More and more people you know are still losing jobs
You watch or hear of poor treatment
You struggle to make ends meet
You struggle to get from one point to another
More and more people are meaner and selfish

Well.....When you start to get more and more panic attacks because you are losing time and can't pack quick enough.  A knock on the door and a friend is there, boxes in hand, tape too and an entire Saturday is spent packing.

Well.....You need something critically and a friend hands you what you need to get it.  In more ways then one you are saved.

Well....One door broken as it is closes and someone opens another wide.  Makes room for you and allows you to get back on your feet.

Well....You learn to accept that not all will listen and watch less of their poor treatment.  Pray that either they will grow strong or the predator weaker.

Well....You purchase an MP3 player and load some of your favorite songs and just sit out the commute accepting that which you can not control.

Well...You push out the ones that are mean and selfish and allow in those that aren't or at the very least balance it out.

I wouldn't want to wait until a home was burned to see the rising sun.  I would want to build a lovely spot on the roof to sit and watch it (with strong sprinklers around the house).

Inspiration me....a new beginning

Well...I have released tons that has been festering.  All the while preparing.  Cleaning out and within.  As I get closer to the time where great change is coming, I prepare for the inner change.

The positive begins today.  And....as I struggle to keep in front and center, I shall be writing along the way.

Mantras - I wrote 3 of them to be spoken daily and in 30 days will revisit where my inner self stands.

Just breathe - Not so much a mantra but a practice to keep myself focused.

The cards are dealt - The Queen may have mocked me but the Paige smiles his hope.

The planets aligned - If Venus won't wink, I shall take the twinkle of a star instead.

My surrounding - I would say I would surround myself with the positive, but I already have.  Like I said, I have been preparing.

"My karma ran over your dogma". ~Author Unknown  Yep, it sure did.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson quotes

Maria.....those are some warming words........

November 09, 2010

Inspiration me...songless

"When the songs of your heart start ringing, you should gratefully listen...for the harmony is that which will bring you happiness and the melody is the voice of your true spirit." ~Author Unknown

It has been such a long time since my heart sang a tune that I can't remember the year, the season or even where I was living.  I do however remember what it felt like when my heart would sing.  I remember the bolt of electricity that would just send my body dancing to it's beat.

I remember that when I loved I sang songs of old.  When I was happy I sang tunes of the 60s.  When I was relaxed my heart whistled melody's without words.  I remember my head held high and always seeing the sky.

I always gratefully listened to my heart sing.  My spirit then was loud and full of energy.....

Now when I love I hear only the sirens of warning.  When I want to dance I haven't a tune to follow.  Numbness leaves no current to electrify me.

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Author Unknown

I have as of late seen a fierce courage within me that I long lost.  I have taken stands, opened doors, closed others.  I have remembered my mantras; point of no return, faith in heart - faith in life, goodness shall come.

It is not a song I hear, rather a distant drum.  But I hear it none the less.  My heart....it longs to dance.

November 08, 2010

Bytch fest

I was called a hater.  So let me do some HATING!

Let's list the type of USELESS people there are out there:

The I'm so important I'm going to annoy you person - this person pretends that their life is so important they cut lines, push their way through, talk on the phone to staff and berate them and just when you think you had enough of them in a confined bus, their phone rings with the most annoying high pitch tone.

The I have an answer for everything person - this asswipe never lets you finish talking, with the first three words you say they are either; correcting your grammar, giving senseless advise, a history lesson or anything that can put you in a COMA.

The woe is me person - this friendless motherfucker asks you how you are.  It's a TRAP! They cut you off just to tell you about their pain, misery, love life, lack of love life, colonoscopy appointment or their dead parents tormenting way of raising kids.

The I know so much NASA should hire me person - This SOUND OFF jackass will turn any simple conversation into Einsteins' formula.  And get it wrong every fucking time.

The victim - this is the person you love to beat the crap out of.  Always starts with your sympathizing with them until you realize that they are professional victims.  This trap is a hard one.  You just don't see it coming....EVER!

The predator - this psychopath circles your life like a shark, while smiling like an alligator and smelling like an Angel.  You might as well hand over your check, life, spouse, job and heart.  They will get it anyway.

The joker - this person will turn any conversation into a joke.  Usually these people have a lot to hide, no inner humor and are just mocking you.  I can relate to this type.

The planner - HATE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!  They plan EVERYTHING.  Oh my GOD - don't even think about swaying from the plan they will have a MELT DOWN.  These people are the ones that FUCK everyone elses schedule up.

The debater - I could just SHOOT these people like a duck hunt.  They just want to debate so they can sound like they know shit and they always DON'T.  HATES THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TOO!
If I could have a planner and a debater in a room with a clause that says anything goes, I would beat the living SHIT out of them.  Get your finger out of your ass and get a thought!!!!!

The I am a friend to everyone - gotta love these twisted assholes.  They make nice to get info, they then twist that info and share it with everyone then they blame everyone else.  Put these FUCKERS in the room too!

The show stoppers - Ok.....these people I would love to put in a room with PETA, BUT, the PETA people would have to be blinded and convinced that they will be in a room with fur wearing people.  Show Stoppers are the ones that browse and shop the Internet all day, ironically these people usually make the most money and are always broke.  They are always dressed to the NINES, they will tell you the brand name, cost, date and time of purchase as well as use a tone that screams I'M BETTER THAN YOU.  These over dressed DUMBASSES never have a clue.  Don't believe me?? Ask any one of them for a current event news bulletin.  You know what?  Just ask them who the vice president is.

Commenter's - anonymous ones - HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!  What PUSSY would go on-line to news, blogs or anything where one could leave an anonymous comment and rant off?  Commenter's that's who.  And those are the ones that leave racist, political banter and hate filled comments.  Their IP should be tracked and someone should take their PC or laptop and SHOVE IT UP THEIR ASS!!!!

Yep, useless people.  HATE them!  Bytch fest over.................................................for tonight.

November 07, 2010

Inspiration me....I am my Zodiac

Most people think they know me.  I've yet met someone that really does.  I know none understand me.  Most don't know that I love astrology.  I have studied it for many years taking refresher courses every few years.  I am fascinated with how the stars don't lie, don't change and can tell me of someone as if I were gazing into their soul.

I am a Libra.  (the seventh sign of the zodiac, represented by a pair of scales and lasting from approximately September 23 to October 22. Libra is classified as an air sign and its ruling planet is Venus)  Diplomatic and urbane, Romantic and charming, Easygoing and sociable, Idealistic and peaceable like the scales Libra's are also the complete opposite of that description.

Most don't know that:
When I love - I love with all my heart
When I despise - I despise with all my heart

I was speaking with a friend who has known my family for many years.  We spoke of the time when I was very religious.  Born again Christian and always in fear.  I would worry and weep for family and friends because they were going to hell for not believing what I was taught to believe.  My mother worried even more for me through those years.  When my son was born, I nursed him in the hospital while watching the news of our war with Kuwait.  I remember thinking 'Lord, what have I done?  How could I bring a child into 'this' world?'  I believed with all my heart.  But......I am my Zodiac.....I questioned all the time.

I questioned about all that religion taught.  I am my Zodiac.  When I gave up religion I gave it up with all my heart.  Yet.....I was closer to God.  What failed in religion succeeded in Spirituality.

I have had friendships that soared.  I am my Zodiac, when they failed, they crashed and burned.

I have spent decades trying to keep a family together.  I am my Zodiac, when the scale kept tipping I accepted what could not be.

I seek balance all the time.  I am my Zodiac.  I seek peace and try to with a vengeance but when peace I can not find I wear my suit of war just as comfortably.  I am most truly my Zodiac.

Most don't know I have the most intense curious nature.  I could put a cat to shame.  I am my Zodiac, when curiosity gets the best of me I will with as much intensity shut down, steer away and not look back.

Most people don't know that I despise the word maybe.  Yes or No, it's just that simple.  The scale only has two for balance.  I despise bullies and being pressured.  I am my Zodiac, I will understand there is no balance in that and will fight it.

Most people don't take the time to know that when I inspire myself I am my Zodiac, I inspired because I lacked it.  The stars are loyal.  The same friendship I had with them decades ago I have with them today.

I won't talk about politics or several other topics.  I am most passionate about them however, I am my Zodiac, I am diplomatic and when the scales tip, I am tactless.

Most don't know that I weep as much as I laugh.  I am my Zodiac, I will find a way to balance it out.

That is me...I am my Zodiac...a daily attempt to balance the scales.

November 02, 2010

AndMore...I need to give up the news, commercial, previews and cabs...FAST


There are times in my life when insomnia takes over, lately is such a time.  So....I watch the news.

Two women are talking about how they DON'T bathe!  I KID YOU NOT.  Smelly Mother F'KERS standing in front of a news reporter trying to tell the public, bathing is not required.  One goes about 3 days without and brags about how much water she is saving.  REALLY?  REALLY??
The other also said she has never used deodorant!  WHAT THE F*&K is happening to this world????

She said and I quote 'I had (key word HAD) intimate moments and never had (there goes that word again) a problem'.  Well you F*&KING SKANK if you bathed your AZZ you would be saying I HAVE.  What man wants to tap some dirty cooch?  Would have to be one with a matching dirty package!

Now I know what that smell in SoHo is.  Nasty AZZ non bathing BYTCHES!!!!

Cialis - you know......commercials give the side effects in a fast forward but when the same commercial plays over and over it's like devil music, you stop hearing the song and you hear the message.  Same with commercials.  After a while the Cialis one was a lot clearer.  Side effects may include headache, facial flushing, indigestion, nasal congestion, muscle pain, pain in the arms and legs.  WHAT THE F*&K?????

So.....in order to get laid when little good fellow doesn't stand at attention anymore you must take a pill that will give you a headache while blushing, make you fart, throws out your back while making you sound like Fran Drescher then leaves you like a cripple with lepers??????  How F*&KING romantic is THAT???  This is why Adult Toy stores will NEVER go out of business or the Energizer Bunny.


I don't know the name of the show, but it consists of a 'panel' of Dr.'s, a bunch of Doogie Howser look alike that tell you SHYT you should already know.  This preview tells you not to miss your chance to hear all the answers to the questions you have about why men and women are different.  REALLY???  REALLY???  You can't just do your job and save lives???  One: topic mentioned just got my Rican going.....
What really goes on down there (men) - I don't need to see the show, men SHIFT.  It just happens, goes along with scratching the ass.  I'm not a man but I can say this.  God knew what he was doing in making me a woman.  There is no way I would have a pecker and leave it alone.  I would worry to no end that if I left it to one side it would stay bent or flat.  I would hate to find out that because it stayed in a corner on a hot day it wilted.  I would shift that bytch every FIVE minutes.  'E Q Mi, I will fix your phone in a minute, I have to shift.'  And don't even get me started about putting it in something.....THAT'S when I 'would' need a panel of Dr.'s.  Check that cooch, I don't want my pecker falling off like if I drank Cialis.  How about asking a panel of Dr.'s about the Buddies, what cruel joke was that creation.  I would be tea bagging those things into moisturizer until all the wrinkles came out like Joan Rivers!!!!

We're different because one is man and one is woman.  Built different, look different, smell different, emotions are different - hell that's why one has Estrogen and the other Testosterone.  What the F*&K kind of stupid as segment is that????  Really???? REALLY???? That's important right now????  Who wants them the same?? Not ME!  I would just BYTCH SLAP some WUSS that cried at a drop of a hat.  That's MY JOB!  I don't want to shift!!!  Just leave things alone.  We're different!  No one hour show about it.  ONE PARAGRAPH tells you why!!!!

I figured now that I was pissed I would just force myself to sleep.       (a few short hours later).......

So.....I get up to take the commute from hell.  This particular morning there is an accident and of course NJ finest must close more lanes then needed.  Add 2 hours to my trip and I get to NY, already late I choose to take a cab.  One is RIGHT there, almost with my name on it.

NY finest pulls over the cab.  Now Habib seemed nice enough but these days you can't be too careless.  So I open the door thinking to myself 'I gotta get my Rican ass out of here before something blows, gets shot or something else.'  The Cop slams the door closed 'Mam, you need to stay in the cab.'  I tell her 'No, I need to get out and RUN, you stay and do what you gotta do.' She smiles and says 'there's no danger, this is a traffic stop and he is getting a ticket.'

Habib, probably accustomed to being stopped, grabs his paperwork mumbling to himself, to which he received a scolding for.  She tells him that this will only take a minute, she then walks to the other FOUR cabs that were pulled over as well to tell them the same.

Habib:  25 years I drive cab, they never stop you before, you can't make left.
Me:  Why don't they let me out of the cab?
Habib:  Meter.  Meter must off while ticket so you can't leave until meter on.
Me:  Tell me about these stops.
Habib:  All the time, they stop.  I sick of this shyt.
Me:  Why don't you cabbies stand together and fight the tickets, one voice, UNION.
Habib: No Union, just us, no one voice.
Cop: What's going on here.
Me:  Well, I was telling Habib here how he should band together and fight this nonsense, heck if I can I would gather all the riders and make one voice..
Habib:  No lady, shhhhh
Me:  One voice, this is insane
Cop:  Mam, stay in the car...silent please.  Mr. Habib, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
Me:  Habib, don't listen, you just get a ticket and fight it and tell the judge they made a passenger wait
Cop:  Mr. Habib step out of the car
Habib:  Lady pleeeeeease stop talking
Me:  (swing of the head......mumbling.....DUMBASS, try to help....)

We finally get to leave, Habib BYTCHES all the way, I tip him really well, he stares at the money and says 'I say bless to you'
Me:  Thanks
Habib: No, I say now
Me:  Welll make it quick, I'm already really late!  Religions!!!!!!!
Habib:  *&^*&^*&^*&^*&

You know, I thought of that you tube where the tourist were married and didn't know the translation of the person reciting the vows was really bad mouthing them.  I looked at Habib......NAH!

To summarize.......Commuting sucks, Cabbies hate each other, New Yorkers smell, getting laid can get your pecker lopped off and Dr.'s don't know shyt.

Somethings gotta give............

October 31, 2010

Inspiration me....Fear not....bring hope

As I listen to the news about the latest events with packages and flights, I think....

There isn't a time I go through the tunnel while on the bus without worrying.  Arrive at the bus terminal without worrying.  I sit at work and try with all my might not to worry.  I travel home and the same worry begins.

I have friends and loved ones that travel a lot.  Some even for business.  Each time I know they are traveling; I worry.  Knowing they will travel again, I worry.

We just don't know.  I remember that horrific day 9 years ago and I worry.  Friends long gone, in a moment, without notice.  I wasn't worried before that day, not like this.  Oh, but wait....I was......

As a parent the first thing you learn is fear. What do I do? Why is he crying? Did that fall cause damage? Is he well in school? Is he well behind the wheel? Is he well with love? Is he well with life?

Then I think about Fear and how as an acronym it tells you why not to allow it to consume you:
False Evidence Appearing Real

And that is what I tell myself.  Worrying about something that may or may not happen is a False Evidence Appearing Real.

Worrying and Fear must be close brothers.  Siblings that are fraternal but twins.  False Evidence Appearing Real.  Yet, you watch the news and those brothers mock you, saying.....this is evidence of reality.

So that frenemy of mine is who I call.  Hope.  Don't betray me yet again you unpredictable thing you!  Through this at times crippling fear, at the very least, be the friend that brings one calm.  Be the hope you are defined to be.

Fear not.......bring hope.

October 29, 2010

Inspiration me - inspiration you - How about getting the blood started for the weekend

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ~ Sharon Stone
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams
 "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." ~ George Burns
 "The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul." ~William B. Yeats

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." ~Abraham Lincoln

We live in a world where Politically Correctness keeps people from communicating; where you can be classified as bitter, smothering, a nag, insensitive, typical male, typical female, etc. You rarely hear someone say...He is loving and kind, she is caring and passionate....... Shame really, it would be such a pleasant world if we could just be.

I think couples ought to carry signs and protest 'Fuck in peace' 'I love that she cries' 'I love that he loves' 'Find your G-Spot' 'Find Mine'

But no, we just walk around being careful not to offend everyone we are near to. We fester and not speak what needs to be spoken. We don't communicate on the most basic needs then why does it surprise us when we don't communicate on the harder topics..... ~g

Blood boiling...

Whisper in my ear, let the warmth reach
Stroke my hair, let it's softness teach
Touch me here - then right there
I promise....it is all really fair
Rub against me, let's make fire
No hushes...scream your desire
2010©Gracey Castro

October 26, 2010

midweek - Inspiration me.....Alexander the great and his Griffins

A poem said to be the epitaph inscribed upon the tomb of Alexander.
O, mankind, who will die,
Why do you desire to be lifted on high?
Why, the more you gain,
The more do you desire to possess?
Everything passes away,
And the flower of life also comes to
an end.
The higher you climb,
The greater your fall from the heights to
the depths.
Although written in reference to his Griffins, this poem speaks volumes to just about anything today.
We desire to be lifted higher (we look for more), yet the more we gain, the more we want. And if that is not bad enough, the more we want the less we get because we lose sight (everything passes away).
The Griffins although a mythical creature can teach us much, one thing in particular for this inspiration would be. They would protect the tree of life. What do we protect?
In a world of turmoil, what do we love? In a time of despair, what do we cherish? Who do we look to? Who do we appreciate? When you feel as though you are falling and the depths are getting closer, who do you wish were there to catch you? Who would you catch?
Alexander had a fondness for a great creature. One that protected, one that would stretch it's wings and take flight, one that cherished; truly befitting the poem at his tomb.

Who’s your Griffin? What Griffin are you? Or are you Alexander, simply admiring a tale or two, living it's reality in a dream and a poem.

MyThoughts - a revisit - Despising the general public today

AndMore began as my thoughts, at a time when I worked in a company that was big on Customer Service. When you called the help desk you thought people on LSD was answering, that's how happy they wanted you to pretend to be. So I had a lot to say but couldn't and so MyThoughts was created. So as a revisit to MyThoughts, here are my FUCKING thoughts of today.

Maybe I didn't sleep well. Maybe I am just pissed off and don't know it. But I woke with effort and planted a smile on my damn face.

Customer Service - I went to Quick Chek to get cigarettes and the same DUMBASS that seems to be there EVERY time I go to shop was there. A typical high school drop out with the IQ of a Q-tip. Twice before she has made the mistake of angering me, both times because she insists on talking on the cell phone and getting the order wrong.

'Capri - blue box - 120s.' She gives me that deer in the headlights look and keeps talking to what I assume is another high school drop out. She hands me a pack of Camel. I push the box towards her and say 'try again'. She responds 'WHAT?'

'I said, try again. Capri - blue box - 120s', she rolled her eyes at me while still talking on the phone. I don't even know what brand she grabbed all I know is that she went in the wrong direction. She throws a RED pack of something on the counter and glares at me. I give her the finger and walk out.

'I go to the tobacco store in the opposite direction, he always knows what I get and go there far less then to Quick Chek. We chat for a bit. I don't find out till later that my ass has a mind of it's own and dialed a friend in the early morning hours so she can listen to our whole conversation unbeknown to me. 'Sorry MC'.

I get on the bus and the smelliest chick sits next to me. I pray for a coma.

I get to NY and the train is so packed I don't fit in it, I have to wait for another one.

I get to uptown and realize with all that went on I STILL had ample time to get some doughnuts for my co-workers.

1/8 of India works in this fucking store and the only one that speaks English and knows math is home having a baby. I ask for a dozen doughnuts, no coconut flavor, a cappuccino with regular milk. I have a $2.00 coupon and my ID which gives me a 10% discount (which is labeled on the receipt as Senior Discount).

I notice she rang up everything tucked the coupon in the register but did not deduct it or apply the discount. I breathe deep and tell her of her mistake. The HAG gives me a look of disdain and in her language says something. The manager comes over and tells her to void the items and start again. I guess she told him she was capable of math (frankly I don't think school was created when she was a child), they argue, her in their language - him in English. This must be his mother, great Aunt or mother-in-law because the PUSSY back peddled out of that conversation. She stares at the ceiling as if it would calculate for her and she hands me my change.

Not only did she STILL not deduct the coupon or discount she OVER charged me. I call over the manager and tell him "Look, I am all for equal opportunity, but someone as limited as her should be made to fill the sugar bowls. Get her DUMB ASS over here and I will teach her math." He says something to her and she comes over. "That is your CHANGE." She says in broken English.

I throw the box of doughnuts on the counter, I really struggle with myself to make sure I don't throw the coffee at her ignorant face and say, 'What is 10% of $11.00?'...................silence......................crickets.....................more silence.

'You owe me $3.82, I wrote it down for your DUMB ASS!' I slide the number I wrote behind the receipt. The manager at this point found his BALLS and comes over, sternly states something to her and goes to her register to remove MY money. I take a dollar (I am a pretty good tipper when pleased), I aim for the tip bowl in front of her and while she is still glaring at me, I pull it back and say 'MAYBE NOT'.

I go to work and announce that they should enjoy the doughnuts to the fullest since it may be a long time before I can go to that Dunkin Doughnuts.

I should have turned off the alarm this morning and stayed home. I'm just DESPISING today!

October 24, 2010

Inspiration me...Little Reminders...

I received an email asking why I was not sending out the Starting and Ending the week right emails - weekly.  Well, perhaps at times I need inspiration more than I need to give it.  Fuel feeds the fire.  But...I did start a trend and the request was made so here it is.

Start/End the week right....

Service - give more support than is received.  As you look after others, be sure to care of your own needs as well.  Love's test is when there comes a time to put your own needs next in line to those of one you love so dear, to help them out you'll volunteer and tend to details large and small, for service proves love over all. ~Little reminders card deck by A. Zerner and M. Farber

As I pack once again feeling like the gypsy with a luggage and box I find things that leave me with a swollen heart.  In my travels far and near I have made many many acquaintances.  I have found cards, letters, gifts and more...the footprint of when in the past, someone was helped and someone helped me.  Truly it was like energy was bolted right into my heart.  I pack with vigor knowing that with each quest I have been on I have realized over and over that strength comes and goes, friends come and go, love comes and goes, patience and despair come and go.  But...the footprint of having helped someone remains.  I am glad to be one of the people that leaves footprints in others lives.  Glad as well to be reminded that there are footprints of others in mine.

TPI - Thanks for making me dig out a card for lack of inspiration to write of inspiration.  I was inspired and I hope this inspiration leaves a footprint in your life.  ~g

October 20, 2010

False advertisement.........leather pants

You just can't believe anything, anyone or any advertisement.  Domino's has sandwiches, I didn't know that co-workers were getting pizza, which I rarely eat and stated that sandwiches were sold.  After looking at the menu I ordered the Philly Cheese Steak sandwich.  Here's what their menu picture is like:
http://www.dominos.com/pages/menu.jsp#all  scroll down to the sandwiches.

Looks good....doesn't it?  Well this is what it really looks like:
Domino Death Sandwich is what is should be called.

So.....I eat it.  Not too long later, I felt like this:
God stop the pain!!!!!!!!

I stick it out at work knowing that my intestines grabbed hold of that sandwich and was not letting go at all.  The best thing is for your body to release bad food.  My intestines did not get the memo.

So after HOURS of agony, I finally get home and decide to be proactive, so I take:
View IMG00059-...jpg in slide show Sounds simple and 'gentle' enough....right?

The false advertisement above is in the 'A gentle action feminine laxative', because at 2:00 AM, I woke with one thought in mind....DEATH IS ONLY THE BEGINNING and swore that I could picture was going on in my stomach.  The 'gentle' laxative was active and taking no prisoners:
Bent over in massive pain I thought to myself that LABOR wasn't this bad, I half run and half hop to the bathroom and with all the years of religion I chanted:  Sweet Mary mother of Jesus get this out of ME!

A long long long long long long long long time later, I all but belly crawl back to bed.  But then........I get nauseous, I belly crawl back.

I think of  some old time advertisement I come across in researching for writing and remember one in particular I thought was funny and now ironic.  I definitely had the mentality of Mrs. A:
Mrs. A mentality.

Life has a sense of humor.
I should have thought along the same lines of Mrs. B:
Hail Hepatica.

Instead I ended up like:

So I ended up having lengthy conversations with God and all the saints until about 5am.  I called out sick from work (much to my co-workers enjoyment) and laid in bed in a fetal position, swearing off Philly Cheese Steaks.  I deeply know what the phrase 'sick as a dog' means.

At 11am I sip on some chicken broth (all my stomach can handle) when I hear a knock on the door.  It's Panty Man letting me know that a potential tenant/victim will be looking at the apartment.  I shower, dress, talk to God some more and hope that they look at the place at record speed, since the 'gentle' laxative was still hammering my guts.

At some point I remember that I have the Robin Hood DVD and decide to put it on, because nothing and I mean nothing will cheer me up like watching Russell Crowe run around a forest in leather pants.

DOMINO SUCKS!!!!  Don't believe the advertisement and if you ever need laxative just lick the 'gentle' tablet, I am sure that is all that one will need to prevent dehydration.

October 19, 2010

NJ to fine motorists for leaving snow, ice on cars - NYPOST.com

NJ to fine motorists for leaving snow, ice on cars - NYPOST.com

Sister Wives...yep, I watched it

Sister Wives...yep, I watched it and it is as disgusting and stupid as I thought it would be, give me back my channel 5 and 9!

For those that have not tormented themselves, the wives are not actual sisters.  Up until the season finale there were 3 wives (20, 17 and 16 years married), with those wives he has a total of 12 kids plus one on the way.  (I wonder who pays for the medical on the non legal wives and their kids).

The show tries to tell you that he is innocent.  It is the wives that want the multiple marriages.  The first and only legal wife acts like a scouting ant and trolls for an addition to the 'fold'.  The other two do a 50/50 of sulking and approving.  Then there is the latest victim/potential wife, she has 3 kids of her own (I wonder what the father (divorced) of those children think of her going all Poly and shit).  She lives 5 hours away and he must travel there to 'court' her.

So.....he is 'really' only doing what his 1st, 2nd and 3rd wife want, for him to get another wife.  Yet, throughout the show you hear them complaining about it.  The lack of space, the lack of time with him, blah blah.  Throughout the show you see their emotions are anything but happy.

In a short span of 3 weeks, one wife gives birth, the other is celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, a third is burning toast ('because toasters kill more people than sharks') and the forth is planning out the wedding reception in record speed.

The 3 wives give the courting potential a claddagh ring (I wonder how the Irish feel about that), something each wears as a bonding, because sharing a man and his spit isn't bonding enough.

In the end, they sit on the sofa, all 'Four' wives like one great big happy family.  Only if you watch wives 1 thru 3 they really don't look happy at all.  Wife 4 is still in delirious mode to be married, has moved closer so that 3 other people can raise her kids while she has a turn with the Nick Nolte look alike stud.

It goes without saying that I am against plural marriages.  But this show really made it something I find disgusting.  The children go to a 'school' for Polys that is not accredited, so they have to take a GED.

Like a train wreck, you don't want to see it but you can't stop watching.

There...now I shared that misery with you!

Dear Diary, Why must they make me do it?

Dear Diary, Why must they make me do it?  Why must my own gender get me to the point where I have to BITCH about them?

Diary it's like there's a list that should be written somewhere on what to do and not do......
  1. Never wear so much perfume that another requires an oxygen mask.  Most especially if it's in tight quarters like say.......A BUS!
  2. Never wear 6 inch heels unless you are on a platform as a stripper.  It is not sexy to have to hold the handrail with both hands while taking toddler steps down, thus creating a long line of people that will be late to work because of your self inflicted crippled ass. 
  3. When flipping your hair (and yes I do this too, but with caution) make sure there is no one behind you, especially a smaller woman with contact lens.  Your (hopefully lice less) hair may just have the tips of the strands brush her eyeballs and remove their contacts, if they are lucky enough to have the protection of contacts.
  4. Your $500 Dooney & Bourke purse means nothing to others, therefore your placing it on an empty seat as if it paid for the seating is not something others should 'respect'.  There's a shortage of seats as it is, hold your damn over prices purse on your ignorant ass lap.  Frankly, I believe a woman should never own a purse that costs more then she can carry in her wallet on any given day.
  5. If you must wear G-Strings....make sure to discard any that are worn out, if they are at the height of your rib-cage, then get pliers and pull them down, it's just NASTY!
  6. If you must go commando, wearing see through clothing is not very smart.  WHORE!
  7. If you must carry several bags, then learn to accommodate them within your space.  One on the floor in between your legs and two on your lap.  There's also the overheard bin if you can reach it.  Placing any of the bags between you and the other passenger on the bus is not an option.  Sitting in 2 plus hour traffic with something from someone Else's bag stabbing your ribcage is not pleasant.
  8. No one is impressed with your ability to bark into a cell phone to your husband, boyfriend, child, sibling, parent or dial tone.  Just SHUT THE FUCK UP, read a book like everyone else.
  9. When driving, this is NOT the time to put on your makeup.  If your UGLY ass can walk out of your place without any on, than it can stay that way.  Swerving on the road while applying mascara is just FUCKING STUPID!
  10. When standing in a long line waiting for your turn with the cashier, don't wait until you are there, don't wait until all the items are rung, to THAN start looking for your wallet!  That just really makes me want to BITCH SLAP YOU!
Yes Diary, such a list should be posted somewhere, I just wish I knew where.

Dear Diary....(MY Take)

Dear Diary,

They talk on their cell phones and to fellow passengers as if no one else is around..................

"I'm on my way home there was a bus delay." Screeching into the cell phone. (There is a bus delay EVERY FUCKING DAY)

"Can you pick me up at the Park & Ride? I don't feel like walking." (What a life, Driving Miss Lazy)

"So we went to lunch and he was fun, he paid and said I'll call you, do you think he will call?" (Hmmmm, does his paying give a guarantee? Is she calling the Psychic Line?)

This one is sitting next to me. "What is all this traffic? Is it always like this?" (Who am I Al Roper? What the FUCK????) "Every day! If you are taking this route from now on, send a picture of yourself to loved ones."

"*#$(#*&$*(#&$#(*" Some foreign language at high tone.  (He didn't sound happy.)

"zzzzzzzzzz", (Don't you just love the sleepers?)

"I'm going to be very upset if she doesn't come to my party. After all I did to plan it she better go." (Whose party is it? Nothing like a shot gun invitation!!!!!!!)

But Diary, my favorite was the gigolo......"Baby...I'm too tired and I'm going home, I'll see you tomorrow, I promise."........makes another call "Baby...how about you come over and give me a massage." (I stare at this one, he is pretty gorgeous, I can see how he's working it. MAN WHORE)

I really need to get an MP3 player....fast!

October 16, 2010

Are we free or just down right ignorant?

The signs for apartments go up like street lights.  The paving costs money, a small town in NJ has much power, they pretend not to, but they do.  The secret town meetings that are posted too late, speak to building owners, businesses and the like.  The paving will be charged to the building owners, after much complaining about the great idea is spoken.  Charge the tenants, the business renting, the families that would have no choice.  Just do what you have to because each of you will pay to fix the streets.

The businesses must strive in order to be charged so the meeting people decide that paving will be done at night, during the week when the stores are closed.  To hell with those that work and must get sleep.

The rents are increased, stores complain, tenants complain, the town council shrugs.

I write this while sitting in building that with the exception of myself and the owner, as of today is empty.  The rent increase (phenomenal at best) were too much for families that either lost their jobs, haven't received increases or are already paying rents that are too high.  Rents for buildings that are not taken care of, falling to pieces with each storm.  Wood deteriorating with each rain.  Stairs and sidewalks crackling with each snow storm.

So the tenants leave.  In the night, leaving their deposits behind.  They pack and leave while the owners sleep.  They go to live with others or take an even more decrepit apartment that may cost less than what their current ones are raised to.

It is an eerie feeling at best knowing that I sit here alone.  The quiet is profound.  If the landlords thought they had a problem before, their problems just grew since their main source of income have vanished with the night.  The long vacations, fishing trips, expensive cars and second homes the equivalent of mini mansions at risk.   If only greed came with a warning......

I turn on the TV and find that channel 5 and 9 don't exist, there is a dispute for fees and charges on channels that are FREE.  Or were free.  All of a sudden everyone that has a TV must subscribe and pay a phenomenal monthly charge whether they want 100+ channels or not.  Most seniors I know don't even watch more then 3 channels.  They can't even afford food with their monthly stipend let alone pay a corporation to watch the news.

We are taxed on a local, state and government level, anything in between is classified as 'fees'.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?

In order to refinance a home that you may lose due to this economy, you must have a good amount of money in the bank, great credit and actually no need to refinance, otherwise they want you to wait until you are in foreclosure so that they may begin a 3 month process (way past the foreclosure time frame) to 'see' if they can assist.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?

You need insurance in order to drive a car, the insurance will give you a cost that is based on your credit score.  So....even though if you don't pay your insurance they will cut if off, hence eliminating the chance of people not paying, they will charge you a phenomenal fee to insure you, based on something that has nothing to so with auto insurance.  They will charge you what you can't afford, what will in fact cause you to not be able to pay, as a punishment for something that had nothing to do with auto insurance.  It doesn't matter if you never paid late or not paid auto insurance for decades.  SCAM at best.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?

Some countries shut down a city for an entire day or days to protest.  We protest for a couple of hours within the rules provided by the same organizations we are protesting about.

Free? Are we really free or just down right ignorant?  That's the question we should be asking.

October 15, 2010

Inspiration me...acting as if

today I will...try 'acting as if' a positive form of pretending. This is a good way to get past part of a problem or overcome fears and doubts. I will act as if the situation is already resolved and get on with my life.

So...what can I do that will reflect my understanding of today's card?.....  I can

act as if I like certain people - nah
act as if I am long past hurt - nah

Well, baby steps I guess.

I can breathe in and say my mantra 'all will be right'.  I can sit straight and plan my day, one hour at a time.  I can know that change is good and acceptance even better.

I can overcome fears and doubts, not by pretending they don't exist but by facing them head on, with my usual BRING IT mode.

Yep, I can disagree with some of that card, but in the end, I will act as if the situation is already resolved.

Bring me joy, for I can smile
Bring me laughter, for I can shine
Bring it all

Bring me love, for I can share
Bring me peace, for I am calm
Bring it all

Leave your anger and petty ways
Leave your selfishness and war
Leave it all

I bring you a difference
I bring it all

2010Gracey Castro

October 12, 2010

Inspiration me.....just breathe

They say...'everything happens for a reason' - 'when one door closes another opens' - 'change is good' - 'if you fight the inevitable you will lose every time'.

I get a car and news of ending my town bus line comes in - when one door closes.....
The town makes a hidden deal with businesses, we pave, you pay, charge your tenants - everything happens for a reason.....
I have a tremendous change coming that both terrifies me and yet I yearn for - change is good.....
I've wiped clean many aspects of my life as an artist wipes clean a canvas - if you fight the inevitable......

What quote I wonder would be written for the one that just rides the wave with no board? Rolls with the punches unguarded?  Takes each day with anxious breathing?

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. ~Mohandas Gandhi
Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than not to think at all. ~Ypatia (350-370? – 415) AD
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. ~Confucius
Just breathe. ~Drew Barrymore, Ever After
Just give me the strength to get up again, should I fall...again. ~Gracey Castro

October 11, 2010

Dear Diary....I'm really just a cuddly kitty cat

Dear Diary,

I write to you this evening in great despair.  I was called a hater.  Asked if I wanted hateraid.  It just breaks my heart to hear such vile things.  Why am I so misunderstood?  I mean I have a great, big, soft, fluffy, warm heart.  I mean my heart is so big it keeps me from being a hater, for example:
When I went to get gas today and the horrible immigrant at the station refused to go to the side of the window where I sit, making me stretch out and manually open the window from the passenger side, I didn't flip him the finger, my great big heart didn't let me.  When he grinned in satisfaction of my discomfort, I smiled.  When again he walked to the passenger side and tapped on the window to give me my change and I had to lean over and manually open the window, I did not say the things I should have....'YOU FU_CKING IMMIGRANT, YOU SCUM BAG! You think I don't remember you and your sadistic way of making American woman suffer at this station.  Go back to your FU_CKING country if you hate our liberation!'  No....I did not, I merely took the change saying in a small voice 'MORON!'

Diary, I am no hater, my heart does not allow me.  When I went to the store to get milk and the lady behind me mumbled something about my taking too long to put my items on the counter, my heart...it did not let me say what I should have 'LISTEN YOU FU_CKING HAG, if you're in THAT much of a hurry go on the other line before I put my foot up your ASS and shove you there.'  No....I did not, I merely turned and smiled, saying in a small voice 'I'm sorry, there is only a small space on the counter, perhaps you will have more luck placing your attitude on it.'

Oh but Diary nothing proves my loving way more than what my co-workers did today and I simply smiled (OK, maybe not simply).  I mean, who does what she did?  Who takes a picture of me in the emergency room while in the middle of agony, pain and torment?  Who takes that picture and tucks it away so that many months later they can post it on face book???  My co-worker, that's who.

I mean, who does what he did?  Who takes that same picture and frames it into a matting that says 'Haters keep hatin'?  Of little me in a wheelchair with bandaged knee??? Who Diary??  They do!  But do I open a can of FU_CKING WHOOP ASS???? No, I did not.  Did I go with my feeling and start BI_TCH SLAPPING them both???  No, I did not.  My great big heart did not let me.

I mean why Diary?  Why would they do that then call me a hater?  I am so misunderstood.

I mean.....I admit.....I tinkle just a bit at the thought that the plan I demised in my mind will be the vendetta of all vendettas!  That I must be patient and let time pass so that the element of surprise will make that vengeance even greater!  That Dumb and Dumber will lose their faith if they have it or gain it if they don't over this vengeance.  I mean....I admit, that may sound like a hater; but Diary, oh Diary, I say it with love.

I lovingly also say it is going to SU_CK to be those two!!!!!  My heart is so big that for a split second I actually felt pity.

Only you understand me Diary......just you....I'm really just a cuddly kitty cat.