I developed panic attacks a couple of years ago, when I lived with a psycho and worked for another one. At first I thought I was having a heart attack, then I hoped I was having a heart attack.
The pain unbearable. The hyper breathing adding to it. The cold sweats and the sheer panic....horrible.
For the past several months I had not had them until one night a brick fell on my reality. Then more bricks on other realities. The insomnia I had not felt crept back with a vengeance.
As I pack to move feeling that familiar feeling of not knowing a home. Of not knowing where I belong. I felt the cold sweat, the heavy breathing, the pain. I stop packing and I sit. This is one of those times where I would write to my friend, write out the pain, the fears, the insecurities. But I can't, not anymore. So....the pain increases, the breathing more labored and I then hold onto to my chest.
Then I just cry and as fast as I start...I stop. There is no time for tears. I take deep breaths over and over. I chant my mantra. I pray for God to give me strength.
Inspire me...someone...anyone....then I hear my father's voice. I miss that man so much. "Kiddo, you're stronger then you think."
He had such belief in me like no other. I grabbed the first book I saw that wasn't packed. Good ole Jessica Shepherd.
'As you are generous with your truth, the truth will be generous with you.' Yes...the truth is, I am stronger then I believe.
I breathe easier. I feel less pain. The room no longer spins. 'Thanks Dad.'
I wait for the family friend that will arrive to help with the last of the packing and I am grateful that panic attack is passing. I am grateful for more than that.
I love October, not just because it is my birthday month but because the air changes, the season changes, the time changes.
It is when we must embrace the fact that the time change will have us seeing the dark sooner. A time when the trees begin to let loose the leaves, orange, brown and yellow leaves flying about.
It is the time when the ghouls and horrors are seen in decorations, shows, movies and parties.
It is the time when we say farewell to the summer heat, smile toward the cooler weather and wonder of the winter to come.
Happy October! May there be light within you to shine upon the earlier darker hours. May the ghouls and gremlins that ring the door bell make you smile and partake in trick or treat.
May you embrace the change in season knowing... it will bring us back to Spring soon enough.
I have added a tab - Whisper my words, which is a link to my site where I post stories, poems, AndMore events and the Watcher's Journal. Take a peek and enjoy.