AndMore...What's it all for?...Go figure, I'm not dying
There are times I feel I have to learn a lesson the hard way, actually it's not a feeling but a fact. What's it all for? I've been asking myself that for a few months now. Why get up? Why go through the hell of a commute? Why fight for a mundane life; an existence of beating my head against the chest of unemotional walls.
Then I find myself at a point where I am sick. I start going to one doctor after another, after a specialist after another, after tests after another. At one point a line of Dr.'s gave looks that were grimmer, the reports and letters scary. 'Find a surgeon, get surgery'.
What's it all for? Why bother?
But then I realize God and I have a strange relationship shared by a strange sense of humor. He lets me sit and feed into all that negativity and despair. Wallowing in that cloak of darkness they call depression knowing I just have to look up, but I don't, I just keep asking myself...what's it all for?
Then one day he does what he always does…. He bitch slaps me. They call it panic attacks but he and I know better. It's a bitch slap. It shakes me from my core and out of that despair and darkness, morbidity and self pity. That panic attack/bitch slap leads me to a nurse, who after hearing through my sobs and despair, everywhere that I have gone through and all the medical actions I have taken. To find that no one would schedule the surgery required. She makes some calls and finds a surgeon but I am still asking myself, what's it all for?
I'm not even as concerned of a grim outlook as I am of the mess I have to clean if given a short time. What's it all for? I get to this new Dr who from the start no matter how many specialists, locations, tests or reports, no matter what she is shown or told, what she reads or hears on the phone… something is not right. So she schedules the surgery anyway, after all that is what the referral recommends. In that time I sit and I wallow in self pity, masking it through the work day, swimming in it when alone.
After seeing people you love not care, make an effort or even take an interest. You don’t want to ask the few that offer to help. But… the bitch slaps/panic attacks are happening more often and even driving is dangerous…so…they drive you where you need to go. They are there for you through the whole process at times giving you the silent ‘there – there’ and the loudly heard 'we are here for you'. You realize that you are so grateful for those few and that they shine a light in your darkness.
The day comes and you are ready for the surgery, seven weeks in the making and several doctors later. You give yourself one more 'what's it all for' but don’t want another bitch slap and make the strongest effort.
'You're OK, you don't need surgery’, the tests retaken prior to the scheduled surgery proved it so. I hugged that Dr with all my might. ‘Simple treatments and removing certain things from your diet should keep things in order. Come back in six months.’ I just love those words.
I'm left stunned but then I look up and I smile understanding and mentally asking 'can you lighten up on the bitch slaps'.
It doesn't matter that the phone calls you wait for don't arrive, it doesn't matter that the ones you want to let know what it going on, frankly don't care. All that matters is that those that do where there from start to finish, ripping away at that cloak of darkness, putting some love on the hand prints of proverbial bitch slapping.
You take the treatment and don’t even feel any pain. Twelve hours rest – that will be easy since sleep was near impossible for weeks.
I learned a few things...a few many things and I shall list them.
What’s it all for? It's for many reasons
I may not get the love I want from all I want, but I have plenty to teach how to give
You can't change people, but you can change yourself
Just when you think you can't see or hear God - he’s right there in your face
Truth be told…I appreciate God’s humor
At the end of the day I do want to live and I want to be happy
I've been given many gifts and I will start utilizing them as the gifts they are
Pay it forward means you hope that whatever you did for one, they will do for another and if they don't that's ok, because maybe the next person will
Seven doctors can be wrong and that eighth (my favorite number by the way) can be right
Even though that right Dr looks at you in a medical sense, they can inadvertently heal your heart and spirit too
I've gotten used to that rotten commute because I make the effort every time and am rewarded with arriving
Life is about living not about how others help you live it
I really should change the title to – It’s for Living. Go figure…I’m alive.