Goodbye 2012

Well 2012 it's time to say goodbye.  I can't think of a thing that I will miss of you, but I shall give a synopsis of the year you gave me:

• The start of the year left me looking for a new home, quite a task in the bitter cold.
• More cut backs for trains so commute is even longer, yay.
• Food prices went up...thanks for the diet.
• Lost my best friend...Kudos for that one.
• What was left of the family finally went their own way.  Nothing like spending the rest of the year like an orphan.  THANKS!
• Got a raise that allowed me to buy a whole gallon milk instead of half gallon.  WOOHOO!
• An ex-worker told me to go F&*K myself because I suggested he not be so bitter on social media while looking for work.  That's right 2012, another friend bit the dust.  You're SWELL!
• My health is at its worst and the insurance only pays so much.  Gracias, for dragging that out for the year!
• My car needs brakes and it cost more then the car.  Love the way you kept my stress going!
• I have heard the phrases...'at least you have a job', 'people have it worse', it's Obama's fault about 2012 times.  MAD SKILLS THERE!
• My constant companion was a stink bug that wouldn't leave my apartment, until the day after my once best friend left, he left too.  I see you got JOKES!
• I spent Christmas crying more then when I was told I had cancer years ago.  Now THAT takes mad SKILLS!
• I fell a total of 5 times, permanently damaging my knee and causing headaches on a daily basis.  Not to mention the concrete burns to my elbow and buns which took over a week to heal.  OH 2012!
• I had to hear numerous people speak of their plans for the apocalypse that never came.  Yep, you ROCK!

I'm glad to see you go, hated your stay and will forever remember you as the full year that never was.  My disappointment knows no bounds for you.  Throwing in that Psy gangcrap really was over the top.  And as if you weren't bad enough, you leave us with a Fiscal Cliff crisis.  Talk about a kick on the way out!

Goodbye!  Good riddance! Adios!

12/31/2012

27 days until Christmas...Imagine 300+ days

I wonder how many people don't see many of their families until the holidays.

300+ days of not seeing and possibly speaking with family, then one day or maybe two they all get together. Strangers at best trying to find out all the scoop of one another in a short time, in the sake of the holiday cheer.


Imagine keeping in touch much more often than that.....


I wonder how many people dread seeing their family during the holidays.

300+ days of ignoring certain family members because of drama, dislikes, disagreements and/or just because you have better things to do.  Then you show up and find yourself forcing a one day or maybe two of a family relationship.  Just to dread it for 300+ days again.


Imagine just accepting someone as they are knowing that everyone has a reason for being who they are.


I wonder how many people for selfish reasons prefer to be with friends or even strangers at a party, rather then be with family.

300+ days of seeing friends, meeting people and yet still on the holiday you rather be with them then give up some time for family.


Imagine getting them all together.  Just throwing your own party and inviting them all.  Would it be fun?


I wonder how many people are alone in the holidays.  Weeping for the lost ones, the forgotten ones and themselves.

300+ days of loneliness compounded on a day or maybe two where everywhere you turn you see it's time for togetherness.


Imagine how that person would feel being invited to spend a day or maybe two among company.


I wonder how many people will read this and agree and yet still do the same.


Imagine if for this holiday season we would extend ourselves, change our routine and just be...


Oh the possibilities of it carrying for 300+ days more.

28 days till Christmas...Her side!

It took me by surprise that it is only 28 days till Christmas.


As I watched the news and read articles of the Black Friday madness I began to think.  What is the holidays really about?


Her side!
It's not about the perfect gift that someone told you to get her.
It's not about the appliance you think she needs.
It's not even about the dreaded holiday party you feel obligated to attend.


It's much simpler then that.
It's the perfect time to ponder on the year.  What have you 'not' done that would surprise her?  Have you sent a letter?  Not a text, an email or a sticky note!  Just a letter never using the words like, love or want.  And pray tell not more then two I's.  A letter full of innuendos, smile causing and blush filling thoughts.


Its the perfect time to swallow discomfort and schedule that massage for two.
The perfect time to order a fine meal and surprise her with an at home candle lit dinner.  And...if you are adventurous at all... serve it wearing only an apron.


It's the time when you can give the gift of showing.  Showing appreciation  like, love and kindness.  Wrap that in a gift.  I dare you!!!!

By all means shop for an item or two but make the best gift the one to remember.


As the stores scramble to get all you can spend.  As the commercials remind you that diamonds are forever. As your friends and co-workers speak of their gift list with bragging in tone.  Smile.... say nothing..... and just plan on the best holiday for her.


I mean really....the end result would be the best holiday for you too....*wink-wink*

Inspiration me....change

I have been allowing the serenity prayer to marinade in my brain....


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

It is in reading this in reverse that I have found it the best way to understand.  The wisdom to know the difference.....

I have spent the better part of two weeks thinking.  When ones life is completely in chaos one must stop, listen and breath.


My breath caught up to me in the place it always does.....the mountains.  It took so long to get there, the commute exhausts me.  Two days in a weekend goes like two hours.  Thanks to the holiday I had two days to rest and two days to get to Serenity and come to peace.


Talking to my Uncle and Aunt does something for me.  Allows me to hear my own voice.  These days one can't have a conversation without interruption.  There...I can talk, repeat and recycle until I understand....me.

I understood what I already knew I just understood further.  I understood that it was time to take action.  If my life were a pie half would be commute and work.  A quarter would be family and the last quarter would be a monotonous occurrence.  Something that doesn't change no matter the hope or belief.  Something that I allow even though no one should.

So there I have it.  I know where the difference is and it is long past time that I make a change and relieve some of life's stress and turmoil.


I can't change family, they are for keeps, what I can change is how much I allow.  This is a good acceptance and I have been working on it.  It's not enough to remove chaos.

I can't change my commute, no matter where I move it's the same hell.  If I leave Jersey again it will be to a year long warmer climate state.  Economically this isn't the time.  I can't change or control this yet.

The pie leaves me with the last quarter.  This I can change, this I can control.  This will give me a quarter of my life where for a while it will hurt, it will despair me but there will be hope that it will become a quarter filled.  Filled with something that is mundane, a monotonous occurrence or momentary respite.

One quarter hope.  One quarter faith.  One quarter relief.  That's a whole lot more then I have had in the last 3 years.


I accept the things I can not change (and hope and have faith that in time it will).
I have the courage to change the things I can (and know that the pain will ease as it should).
I have the wisdom to know the difference (and that was a long time coming).


Letting go, letting be, letting me.  That is my new mantra.

Beauty in the mail

BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT

A friend of mine gave me the most wonderful birthday gift this year.  A six month prepaid subscription to Sample Society.

Anyone who knows me will say that I hate shopping.  I will pick one thing and get the standard brown, blue or black.  Simple and consistent.  Makeup is just as routine.

To get me out of my comfort zone with colors and also to help me with my dread for shopping, she signed me up for this wonderful treat.  She is familiar with my subscription with Allure (love that mag) and began buying it herself when she found this service.

I began to investigate further and found some gems.  I will post each beauty in the mail type business in separate posts.  I will start with my fav.

SAMPLE SOCIETY

Sample Society is an online service by Beautybar.com.  This service will send you on a monthly basis FIVE deluxe-sized samples from luxury brands like....

Strivectin, Erno Laszlo, DDF, Deborah Lippmann, Oscar de la Renta
to name just a few.

The subscription price is a dreamy $15 per month.  If you have commitment issues you can cancel anytime.

I also got a nifty $15 coupon in the box to use against any full size purchase of the samples.  AWESOME!

I loved all the samples in my first bag.  Here's what I got:

Dermalogica Precleanse Deluxe sample

(LOVE THIS, I plan on buying a full size, although the sample has lasted 2 weeks so far and I use it daily)


Alterna Bamboo Smooth Kendi Dry Oil Mist - this baby just makes my hair shine without any greasy feeling.


Diego dalla palma The Lipstick Deluxe Sample #42-Frost Golden Brick.
I was not too fond of this color for my skin tone but the texture was great for a lipstick.

L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream Deluxe Sample
This hand cream is smooth and smells clean and fresh.  I really liked it and would purchase just for travels.  Great handbag cream.


Diptyque Volutes Eau de Toilette Deluxe Sample

The sample was one of those tiny vials.  Loved the scent but I am not a perfume person.  It is really is a romantic, will wear when going out to impress scent.  Not too heavy nor floral.

All that for $15?????  I was very surprised and pleasantly so.

I mean I get to actually test nice size samples of things for only $15 a month?  Yeah!  I'm keeping and extending this subscription.

I don't know about  you but I thought this gift was BRILLIANT!  I not only love my samples, but I love that on a monthly basis I get a box with some surprises in it.  Kinda makes it feel like it's my birthday every month.

I think this is a great gift idea, the kind that keeps on giving!

The next sample/beauty in a bag posting will be on Little Black Bag.  This one is just plain dangerously addictive.  There's trading and choosing and deadlines OH MY!

Until then click below to see Allure magazines list of beauty sample boxes by mail.  I will only post on those I have tried...curious about the Birchbox one though:

ALLURE

AndMore...Is being realistic the same as being negative?

With all the positive messages going on, The Secret exploding on book shelves and talk show hosts promoting the theme...have we lost a grip on reality?

It's been a stressful year.  Not just day, week or month.  By the time the Sandy Storm came I was already burning out.  After the storm I felt more like a numb person just going through the motions.  My mid day break during the week is the time where I mentally tally the day.  I have to figure out what will be done and what else will sit on the burner.  By the time I walk back to my desk I would have a plan.


One day on my break I was deep in thought and someone noticed.  There is so much to say about the conversation that followed, but I will stick to the theme of this post.  He asked why I was deep in thought and looking so exhausted.  I explained my one way 6 hour commute was getting to me.  Prior to the storm the 2-3 hour it would take was getting to me. Before I could say that at some point things will change, he began his chant.  'Your health comes first. Perhaps you have no man because you are wasting your time with just work (he asked if I were married earlier in conversation).  You need to be positive and believe everything will go your way.  You must put your health first and leave a job that takes most of your life. You are miserable because you are negative.'


Incredible! He got all that with a 3 sentence answer to a question.  I replied in bullet form.
My health is taken care of due to the insurance from my job.
My relationship status is my concern...thanks
I am positive.  I am also realistic.  Leaving a job doesn't pay the rent, Dr. or bills.

He was so upset that he was yelling.  Saying that it was no use 'helping me' because I liked being miserable.  That I was not positive and therefore miserable.  I laughed.

The irony is...I was only miserable after he started talking to me.


A friend was telling me about how she wanted to begin looking into how to save money to purchase a home.  To get with an accountant to see about the best way to begin that process.  A friend of hers began to say how all she had to do was believe she would get a home and BHAM! it would arrive.


Another friend was having issues with her husband.  He was always narcissistic, lately more so.  Another friend of ours was overpowering the conversation by saying she just had to believe that things will change and they will.  No other effort required.


This reminds me of the mother years ago that was schizophrenic.  She was also a devout christian.  Rather then take her medication she believed that by believing she would he healed.  She was given the guidance that she had to believe she would be cured, if she wasn't then she didn't believe.  The voices ended up telling her to kill her sons.  One died, one survived thanks to his father.  Her belief did not waiver.

I have no problem with believing.  Even less problem with visualizing, however I don't believe that we were created the way we are so that we could be lazy egomaniacs sitting around waiting for things to happen.


Believing that my commute would get better didn't happen.  It's worse.  Believing that a house would fall on my friends lap, didn't happen.  What will happen is looking clearly with an open mind for all the options that open up when one pays attention.

I believe that a small book was created by repeating very small portions of what others spent years compiling.  It's not just about believing, it's not just about being positive.  It's about being open, being ready and working towards a greater goal.

It is by talking aka networking that we find out what is out there.  Yet, one can't talk without being accused of being negative.  One can't dream or plan without getting preached about being positive.   It's the new religion.  It really is.

So... I ask.... does being realistic equate to being negative?

I don't think so.  If I see a truck coming at me, I will realistically move out of the way.  Not stand there and be positive that the outcome will be positive.

Despicable they...

Time for another round....

Despicable they...

Passive Aggressive (PA) -  It is characterized by an obstructionist or hostile manner that indicates aggression, or, in more general terms, expressing aggression in non-assertive, subtle (i.e. passive or indirect) ways.

I think society is full of them.  As if Type A (I want to rule the world but still seem wonderful) people aren't bad enough,  you have the PA group floating about with an alligator smile.

Let's break it down

The Encyclopedia PA - These people read all day, they don't really research, they just skim through enough to try and fool people into thinking they are worldly.  Fact is, these E/PA rarely get out, have no friends and are probably shunned by their own family.  Worse...they don't know shit!


The I am going to hate you for no reason but act like I really like you PA, let's call them Asshole PA for short (A/PA) - These people go out of their way to converse with you.  They always ask a lot of questions as if interested.  They also smile a lot - a smile that never reaches their eyes.  They will then talk to anyone about you.  Trying to create a hate cult.


The I love you but love you not PA, better known as MindF^&Ks PA (MF/PA) - These people love you when they see you, don't even think about you when they don't.  You're their best kept secret and mostly are too ashamed to admit they know you.


The Blind PA  (B/PA) - These people pretend to see nothing, they know everything but see nothing.  They will not be a witness unless they are getting something out of it.  No matter the circumstances.


The Handicap PA  (H/PA) - These people instantly become handicaps when you walk in.  They can't do anything, fix anything, resolve anything because they know you will do it.  Once you leave they are very self sufficient.  Lazy to the core.


The Planner PA  (P/PA) - These people act and react like victims the whole while thinking of ways to retaliate.  It's not revenge per say, more like - others will feel my misery.  If caught or questioned they will revert to full blown victim mode.


The Narcissist PA  (N/PA) - These people love themselves and will whine to no end until you devote your energy to them.  They are remnants of slave owner mentality.

Which one of the above are you?  Which ones surround you?

The Watcher's Notes: My Little Review - The Resistance Trilogy by Racha...

The Watcher's Notes: My Little Review - The Resistance Trilogy by Racha...:   I have become a fan of this author.  I read Amaranth (Book 1) at the beginning of this year and was hooked.  I just finished The Gate (...

My Little Review - The Resistance Trilogy by Rachael Wade

 

I have become a fan of this author.  I read Amaranth (Book 1) at the beginning of this year and was hooked.  I just finished The Gate (Book 2) and I must say my commute the last few days have been pleasant because of it.

Cam is by far one of the best characters I have read.  She is feisty yet soft, brave yet scared.  From the start you feel as though you are going through her days with her.  These books have it all, a buffet of emotions.  Hate - Love, Trust - betrayal, Greed - Generosity and much, much more.

I am a fan of vampire books and I just love it when an author puts a different spin to it.  You get witches, humans, vampires and more.

Sit back, grab these books and strap in for a hell of a ride.  You won't stay in one dimension for too long.

Get your read on and get it with Rachael Wade's Resistance Trilogy!  Bloody well written!

Here's a little something about the author - http://www.rachaelwade.com/?page_id=2

Here's how to get your copy - http://www.amazon.com/The-Gates-Resistance-Trilogy-ebook/dp/B007V3FGGM

AndMore...Oh humanity! How I love and loathe you!

AndMore...Oh humanity! How I love and loathe you!

As I stood there in the vestibule of a train that was not moving, I look at my watch.  The train should leave in 2 minutes and if I run once at the Junction stop, I will make my train and get home before 7:30pm.  I smiled.



Let's get personal
I had cramps, a migraine and I am sure I am not over the cold or virus that took over my body last week.  The tuna sandwich I had for lunch which I am sure was from last Wednesday was kicking my ass.  'Please God, get me home.'



It'a raining bodies
As if the skies opened and dropped people on the platform, swarms of humans boarded an already packed train. I was one body away from the door when a small woman squeezed in followed by 3 men.  The doors closed, I wondered what those 3 men close enough to make a human sandwich were thinking.



It's it hot in here or is it me
10 minutes later in a train that had not moved I was feeling the sweat pouring down my face, the handkerchief I used to wipe it was already drenched.  The train was off therefore there was no a/c and no air circulation, the man in front of me kept breathing mouth opened, the foul stench convincing me the animal he ate was still alive in his stomach.



It begins...humanity at it's worst
The small women now to my close left was picking her nose with vigor.  The 3 menwich were fidgeting which in turn was making them upset due to all the touching it caused.  5 more minutes passed, train still in place and the overhead announcement about a door not closing and demanding passengers not to hold the door open was heard.  A minute later my phone buzzed, an alert that the very train I was on was late due to 'a disabled train ahead'.  LIE.  I read the LIE and just said out loud LIE!!!



My dear friend... Panic
I began to feel the panic attack coming.  I focused on the 3 men, however the dry humping was just beginning to show signs of anger.  The woman was still digging and no matter how much I tried not to think about it, I couldn't help but wonder if she found something - what would she do with it?  I would just go Rambo on her ass if she thought to fling it.



Slow insanity
Man 1 of 3 told the one whose ass was rubbing his to stop moving, Man 2 huffed, Man 3 asked if Man 2 would stop moving.  I feared a full blown man rape was going to happen.  But just between us I feared the potential flying booger more.  Not far away you could others beginning to argue, the tension was rising with the heat.

Another announcement packed with lies stating the train would move once all doors were closed.  I thought to myself, why couldn't this door be open, I would jump out pushing the menwich out of my way, screaming HOSTAGE NO MORE.  But life is not so kind, that damn door was closed tight.

In the far back of the adjoining vestibule, which was just as packed, you could hear a woman's angry voice 'stop getting so close!'.  I thought to myself, what does she want? For the person to do a full blown spider man and climb to the ceiling?



Sardines or humans?
Why do people jam themselves into these trains?  Where are the boundaries?  These stations cut back trains, staff and scheduling and don't realize they are festering a pot of violence.  A violence we are charged a premium for.



Drowning in ones own sweat
As the sweat pooled down my back and I could feel my lashes melt, I heard a small voice.  A man somewhere in the midst of bodies...'I'm going to get sick'.  I know I should have just hummed, prayed or just died, but I didn't.  Instead I heard my own betraying voice 'SO HELP ME IF ANYONE THROWS UP I WILL GET APE SHIT IN HERE'.



Mercy
Nose-picker lady was trying so hard to move away, but where could she go?  It was a full 41 minutes later when the train began to move and a couple of minutes into speed that air could be felt, cool air at that.  There was a silence that removed time.  All of a sudden the doors opened and people, I included rushed out.  Some ran to connecting trains that were no longer there, others in a daze looked around for stairs that were where they always stood.  A few just stood there... breathing.  I leaned against a wall and chose that moment to pray.....'Lord, whatever I did... I atone.  I am so sorry.  This four year purgatory must end.  Have MERCY.  Have MERCY.'

I walked the walk to my connecting train that had left.  I sat and waited for the next which would take a while and in a daze I eventually got home.



I want back in the womb!
A full hour later in a fetal position still cold and wet from the freezing shower I jumped into once I got home, I thought to myself... maybe there isn't a hell, maybe this IS hell and we must work our way out.