It's my father's birthday today. He would have been 72 years old. He loved his birthday when his four daughters would greet him early morning with hugs and kisses. I miss him, more each day and the pain of it grows. They say it lessons, but I find that to be untrue.
Amist the ever growing need to close certain chapters of this book called my life. I find the exhaustion, the pain and misery to be like one mass pain. I don't reach out to people anymore and forced myself to finally see who would care. I opened my heart of a secret kept so long, it may have just been a waste of time, for if it should have felt as a relief, all else that weighs me down doesn't allow me to feel it.
As if to make the day even worse, traffic spills onto the road making my trip stressful, I finally get to NY only to find there is so much traffic in the city even cabs can't get around. It is 34 blocks from the bus station to my job and I walked all but 5. Five blocks into traffic with the cab and already the meter was reaching the cost it normally would be if we reached my job. I jump out, train stations are full and it just is quicker to walk it. I call my boss and with all the sincerety in the world I tell him 'when the next lay off comes around, please make sure I am at the top of the list.' His response is that I should move closer, as if moving is free.
Still making 30K less from 4 years ago, no raise (and I am grateful to have a job), all else increasing in economy finance leave little to move with let alone purchase a car after the Jeep died.
The commute leave me with 2 hours a night if I am lucky, no time to look for anything, all is closed. The weekends are more like waking from a coma. Exhausted and trying to figure out why my body is not functioning at a normal pace.
Another day where it takes 3 hours to get to work. The usual amount it takes to get home, if not 2.5 hours or more.
Things will get better! This too shall pass! At least you have a job! At least there is public transportation! All the positives that people say, while also commenting on how crappy you look. I swear if one more person say any of those things, I will pull their tongue out and sell it as pork meat!
Dad would have said something positive wrapped in negative. 'Kiddo, at least you got to that shitty city in one piece." God, I miss his humor and love. Oh and those hugs...........
I promised myself I would write my vents. That I would set goals and challenges even through the challenges already set before me on a daily basis.
I nurse a broken heart, a migraine, a thinning wallet, legs that can't take the walk anymore, the arriving late to work and the getting home so late and tired I can't even think of food. All with the thought 'if it doesn't get better then at least keep me numb.'
09/21/2010 ~gracey
Amist the ever growing need to close certain chapters of this book called my life. I find the exhaustion, the pain and misery to be like one mass pain. I don't reach out to people anymore and forced myself to finally see who would care. I opened my heart of a secret kept so long, it may have just been a waste of time, for if it should have felt as a relief, all else that weighs me down doesn't allow me to feel it.
As if to make the day even worse, traffic spills onto the road making my trip stressful, I finally get to NY only to find there is so much traffic in the city even cabs can't get around. It is 34 blocks from the bus station to my job and I walked all but 5. Five blocks into traffic with the cab and already the meter was reaching the cost it normally would be if we reached my job. I jump out, train stations are full and it just is quicker to walk it. I call my boss and with all the sincerety in the world I tell him 'when the next lay off comes around, please make sure I am at the top of the list.' His response is that I should move closer, as if moving is free.
Still making 30K less from 4 years ago, no raise (and I am grateful to have a job), all else increasing in economy finance leave little to move with let alone purchase a car after the Jeep died.
The commute leave me with 2 hours a night if I am lucky, no time to look for anything, all is closed. The weekends are more like waking from a coma. Exhausted and trying to figure out why my body is not functioning at a normal pace.
Another day where it takes 3 hours to get to work. The usual amount it takes to get home, if not 2.5 hours or more.
Things will get better! This too shall pass! At least you have a job! At least there is public transportation! All the positives that people say, while also commenting on how crappy you look. I swear if one more person say any of those things, I will pull their tongue out and sell it as pork meat!
Dad would have said something positive wrapped in negative. 'Kiddo, at least you got to that shitty city in one piece." God, I miss his humor and love. Oh and those hugs...........
I promised myself I would write my vents. That I would set goals and challenges even through the challenges already set before me on a daily basis.
I nurse a broken heart, a migraine, a thinning wallet, legs that can't take the walk anymore, the arriving late to work and the getting home so late and tired I can't even think of food. All with the thought 'if it doesn't get better then at least keep me numb.'
09/21/2010 ~gracey
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