I have 3 friends that I meet with at least 5 times a year. We don't live close and our busy lives keep us from seeing one another often. On occasion, we meet, eat, drink and share. Well...they do, I pretty much limit what I share. It's not out of lack of trust, just my nature.
One of them a long time ago came up with the 'bat call', the signal that we drop everything and meet, one of us is in dire straights. In 15 years those calls came in the form of calls, text or emails. For the first time in 15 years, I sent the 'bat call', a group text to the girls. Hate consumes me. That's it. I laid on my sofa crying and waiting.
One hour and forty five minutes later I get a text, 'open the door or we'll break it down'. They came with goodies. As I went up the stairs and headed straight for the sofa, (names are changed) Lulu got some glasses, Everly some small plates and Sonia put on some spa music for background effect.
As Lulu handed me the glass and I smelled the Pinot Grigio, Everly handed me a plate with cookies. Cookies are my weakness. Pinot Grigio my secret favorite wine. I got up and dumped the wine, dumped theirs as well, emptied what was left in the bottle and threw it out, the cookies met the same fate.
"I HATE COOKIES AND PINOT, I HATE GREEN GRAPES. I NEVER WANT ANY OF IT AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE." I cried like an Oscar winner in the category of best crier in a soap opera.
I think of their look now and can't help smiling. Confusion, fear and finally 'oh yeah, the bitch lost it' look.
I sat on the floor of my living room and started telling my story. A story I kept to myself and shared with no one. I talked without stopping, not even the sobs could stop me. I don't know when but at some point they had sat on the floor around me and hugged me. Never a word spoken. Amazing really since together we are chatter boxes. And most opinionated Sonia was left speechless.
"I wasted 10 years even though I knew what would happen. I fought the inevitable knowing I would lose. In the process those things I favor are bitter and rotted on my tongue and heart."
Lulu, the sweetest of us..."G, love hurts that's a given. But only when it's not meant to be. You say you have no hope. Girl, only the ones with the greatest of hope would spend 10 years on a lost cause."
Everly, no nonsense Everly... "He took advantage of your feelings. He's a prick. A dick. He doesn't deserve you or anyone with a heart. Where does he live, I'll tell Ben to kick his ass." (It's scary, I know she was serious).
Sonia, so fierce a woman her husband took self defense classes, just in case... "I wish I could love the way you do. You don't love often but when you do you don't hold back. Don't you dare hate that. Hate the fact that it leaves you vulnerable. But, if anyone can strengthen from it, it's you. You didn't waste 10 years, he did. A lot has happened in those 10 years. Not just this. I'm throwing out that garbage, take a moment and throw him out too."
Funny, through the years I am the one with the direct statements. Logical, to the point and said with heart. This time I sat there receiving it. Even though it made sense and I know they are right, I still held on to despair, if but just for that night. They left with a promise. "Before the summer is gone, we are going out. The mountains, museum, gallery and top off the night with Guinness". All of my favorites that hasn't been ruined.
I learned a few things
One of them a long time ago came up with the 'bat call', the signal that we drop everything and meet, one of us is in dire straights. In 15 years those calls came in the form of calls, text or emails. For the first time in 15 years, I sent the 'bat call', a group text to the girls. Hate consumes me. That's it. I laid on my sofa crying and waiting.
One hour and forty five minutes later I get a text, 'open the door or we'll break it down'. They came with goodies. As I went up the stairs and headed straight for the sofa, (names are changed) Lulu got some glasses, Everly some small plates and Sonia put on some spa music for background effect.
As Lulu handed me the glass and I smelled the Pinot Grigio, Everly handed me a plate with cookies. Cookies are my weakness. Pinot Grigio my secret favorite wine. I got up and dumped the wine, dumped theirs as well, emptied what was left in the bottle and threw it out, the cookies met the same fate.
"I HATE COOKIES AND PINOT, I HATE GREEN GRAPES. I NEVER WANT ANY OF IT AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE." I cried like an Oscar winner in the category of best crier in a soap opera.
I think of their look now and can't help smiling. Confusion, fear and finally 'oh yeah, the bitch lost it' look.
I sat on the floor of my living room and started telling my story. A story I kept to myself and shared with no one. I talked without stopping, not even the sobs could stop me. I don't know when but at some point they had sat on the floor around me and hugged me. Never a word spoken. Amazing really since together we are chatter boxes. And most opinionated Sonia was left speechless.
"I wasted 10 years even though I knew what would happen. I fought the inevitable knowing I would lose. In the process those things I favor are bitter and rotted on my tongue and heart."
Lulu, the sweetest of us..."G, love hurts that's a given. But only when it's not meant to be. You say you have no hope. Girl, only the ones with the greatest of hope would spend 10 years on a lost cause."
Everly, no nonsense Everly... "He took advantage of your feelings. He's a prick. A dick. He doesn't deserve you or anyone with a heart. Where does he live, I'll tell Ben to kick his ass." (It's scary, I know she was serious).
Sonia, so fierce a woman her husband took self defense classes, just in case... "I wish I could love the way you do. You don't love often but when you do you don't hold back. Don't you dare hate that. Hate the fact that it leaves you vulnerable. But, if anyone can strengthen from it, it's you. You didn't waste 10 years, he did. A lot has happened in those 10 years. Not just this. I'm throwing out that garbage, take a moment and throw him out too."
Funny, through the years I am the one with the direct statements. Logical, to the point and said with heart. This time I sat there receiving it. Even though it made sense and I know they are right, I still held on to despair, if but just for that night. They left with a promise. "Before the summer is gone, we are going out. The mountains, museum, gallery and top off the night with Guinness". All of my favorites that hasn't been ruined.
I learned a few things
- You don't ever really know a person, ever. They will continue to surprise you.
- Love does hurt. Heartbreak is not just a word. There is actual pain.
- That same love can turn off like a switch. All it takes is the curtain of illusion to fall and for you to see the person in their real form.
- Green grapes, Pinot and cookies are a dangerous mix.
- Hearing the truth is painful but necessary.
- No matter how much I feel otherwise right now, I won't give up on love.
- I did waste 10 years of my heart, but I accept full responsibility and will never let it happen again.
- Everyone should have the 'bat call', it could save you from your own agony.
- Hate will only consume me, if I let it. My new fight begins.
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