Whisper my words…

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The Watcher's Notes: AndMore…Instinct

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore…Instinct: "Tonight she’ll doze in the chair until Charles comes in. When he does her heart will practically burst with a hot flood of relief. She won’t..."

AndMore…Instinct

Tonight she’ll doze in the chair until Charles comes in. When he does her heart will practically burst with a hot flood of relief. She won’t yell at him. She won’t even be angry—she will only feel incredible, soggily mind-boggling love. Sometimes she wonders if she’s become addicted to extremes of pain and pleasure—… ~The Wedding Writer by Susan Schneider

The above is not about a lover, husband or friend.  It is a mother worrying about her son.

Her husband thinks he is fine and just going through a phase, coming into his own (becoming a man).  She is the only one that knows something is terribly wrong (and there is), that her sons quietness screams of trouble, his moodiness of altered state, of his leaving the house and not knowing when he will return; a form of running…hiding.  She suffers it alone.  Dubbed a smotherer.  A nag.  A worry wart.

The book itself is of another woman, an editor going through life’s trials, but this woman is the one I both understood and related to well.

I can always tell when my son is troubled.  The silence others see as keeping to himself, I know it to be his struggling with a decision.

The absence others see as his just doing his thing, I know it to be a form of hiding, running.

The quick decision he makes others see as his ‘finally’ making up his mind, I know it to be a following of another’s view.

It didn’t stop when he became a teenager.

It didn’t stop when he moved out.

It didn’t stop when he pushed me away.

It hasn’t stopped even now when he is soon turning 21.

I still if not physically – emotionally -- ‘doze in a chair until he comes around. My heart bursts with relief when I feel all is well. I don’t yell at him. I don’t even get angry. I just feel mind-boggling love. I too wonder if I have become addicted to extremes of pain and pleasure…’ I am a mother and with it came instincts.  That gift and curse that all with opinions don’t have concerning my son or me.  I am a mother and I love unconditionally; it is my instinct.

Inspiration me…today I will

being direct – today I will…own my own power and be direct, and I will be clear and honest in my dealings with other people.  If I’m comfortable with my own truth, then those around me will be comfortable with me, too. ~Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

I release all feelings of worry and guilt…throughout life, the two most futile emotions are guilt for what has been done, and worry about what might be done. ~Inner Wisdom cards by Dr. W. Dyer

It makes sense really…be comfortable with who you are…worry and guilt will solve nothing.  Yet uncomfortable is what I feel and am filled with worry and guilt.  I read the cards, I know the meanings and yet…still…

Sometimes people don’t understand what stepping back and building a wall means; at least for me…it means…

Nothing anyone says is helping

In most cases they are saying things that make me feel worse

I may feel let down by some and don’t want to find out if those that are left will do the same

I may even not have the energy to hear another opinion, advice, criticism…etc.

The wall is metaphorical; it’s an emotional obstacle to keep that which can cause me harm at a time when I can’t or don’t have the strength to protect myself.

Like a castle that needs a wall around it, I layer a brick wall around me.  Like the moat that creates further an obstacle, my silence keeps me at bay.  When I can deal with some contact, a small secret passage is opened and one may pass through, even then for a small time.

That castle is more like a recovery center.  Some may say it is an isolation.  But…that is an opinion.

How long does the wall stay up? Who knows? I don’t.  For as long as it takes.  If you are on the other side, than for whatever reason, I am uncomfortable, or I worry that you may cause me harm and I won’t be able to protect myself.  Should I be wrong, trust me, I already feel guilty about it.  But the wall, nonetheless, stays up.

Today I will acknowledge that I recover internally, spiritually and emotionally at my pace…with no concern over what someone else may think. ~gracey castro – My ‘language of letting go’.

AndMore…tell me something you actually mean…

Well, I do! This is one of those typical conversations where we're all open and sharing our innermost thoughts and it's all bullshit and a lie and it doesn't cost *you* anything! ~ from Joe versus the volcano

Bull shitter on train – woman #1 – ‘I told him he can either do it my way or leave.’ (Enter arrogant head movement here)

woman #2 - ‘Did he do it’. (Eager look in her eyes)

woman #1 - ‘You better believe he did it’. (conversation changes until next stop where woman #2 gets off).

woman #1 – makes a call once there is service ‘Honey, I’m sorry, please call me back’.

Bull shitter on subway - ‘Can you spare some change so I can get a sandwich? I haven’t eaten in days.’ (Wearing new $200 sneakers, iPod out of pocket, iPhone in front shirt pocket, clean shaven, hint of cologne…..nuff said).

Bull shitter on TV – Pick a channel

Bull shitter on news – Pick a politician

Bull shitter at the bank - ‘If you open an account you get free checking.’ Me: ‘But what about all these fees?’ (Showing print out from their site) Bank bull shitter (BBS) ‘They probably didn’t update the site.’ Me: ‘But you should know what’s on their site.’ BBS: ‘I’m sorry, did you need the teller?’

I finally understand why there is so much bull shit and bull shitters, it’s free.  Doesn’t cost a thing except someone’s time.  Someone’s hope.  Someone’s trust.

Rarely do you find someone telling you something they actually mean.

Joe is right…’…It’s one of those typical conversations.’

Inspiration me...Pause, breathe, be still

Master Key 52:3 - You cannot change the past, but you can evolve the way you respond to it presently. ~Inner Power Wisdom Cards ~Dr. Antonia

Just breathe, again...breathe.  STOP and breathe. ~Uncle

You can break or you can fight. G...FIGHT! ~my conscious

I spent hours going through things in storage looking for my sons documents which he needs for his enlistment to the military.  I was getting more and more nervous.  I can not find them or mine.  I was a result of identification fraud and have been very careful for years with my documents.  Living like a Gypsy the past several months have left me with the remainder of my things in different locations.

The rush to get the documents left me with one panic attack after another.  Not wanting to be the 'reason' that they give him a hard time, as much as I am against his decision, I wanted to find it.

At one point I watched as my mother and sister helped.  None of us happy about the task.  It just seemed pointless.  Slowly but surely this family comes together and my son makes this decision, which pulls him apart.  A decision which my instincts say are made with the wrong reasons.

It wasn't until I got home; at around midnight I am watching TV with the roommate.  A mirage of memories, spinning before my eyes like a kaleidoscope.......My son wanting a job at Shoprite years ago, I gave him his documents so that he could apply.  He wanted to prove being responsible yet he lost the papers.  Again for the job at the theatre, he needed his papers, new originals....never got them back.  He could take care of his own papers he said.....just in case I ordered yet another set of originals.

He either hasn't looked for his or lost them.  I can't locate my set....  I break the news.  He presses on 'I really need them, I have to have to those papers'.  More memories....

I snapped.  The tears stopped, the panic attack stopped, I sat and heard myself 'breathe'.  I vowed I would take the next day (Sunday) to myself.  No chores.  No frantic searches.  No visiting.  No thinking.  Just vegetate.

I called my Uncle and of all that he spoke...I remember two things consistently...'You don't have to go through this alone, you don't have to go through panic attacks alone or Dr.'s appts.'  DON'T - The word of the week.  Don't think! Don't cry! Don't panic!  But this time, it sounded more the like the choice that it really is.  I BREATHED!  That's when I noticed my emotions had finally finished building the wall.  The one that would protect me while I gain strength.  The bricks are settled tight.

It's true...I CAN'T change the past...but I surely will change the way I respond to the present.

Monday morning....First time in a couple of weeks I had no nightmares, no night tremors.  I still cry but no panic attack......Inner Power...Inner Wisdom...Breathe!

Inspiration me…reliability

I bet you think you are reliable.  I bet you are not as reliable as you think.
Harsh!  Isn’t it?  But it’s true.  People when the need is no longer there will say:
Why didn’t you call me, I would have (enter martyr line here)?
If you need me to go with you let me know.
I would have gone with you.
Trust me (my favorite) I’m here for you.
The list goes on….   I can tell you what the unreliable person would say when you take them up on it:
I didn’t hear the phone.  Oh, I would love to but (enter any of a million reasons why not)
See the above, same applies for I would have gone with you
9 out of 10 times, this person isn’t there when needed
Harsh! But true.
The rare few that actually will be there are somewhat trustworthy, they would make their best effort in physically being there if needed…but…one of the following would apply:
You would have to tolerate the 100% negativity.
They will act as if they sacrificed their organs to be there.
They will be late, they will take over the day, you end up wishing you went alone.
Their Type A control freak manner would just make matters worse.
To further extend the above line, they will rather tell you what to do when their know it all attitude is the last thing you need.
There would be conditions.
Their own life is just too busy.
You have tell them your soul secrets first.
So you end up doing things on your own.  And you become the ‘anti social’.  I just get a kick out of that.  You avoid drama and become anti social.
Are you reliable?  Reliable enough to know what an emergency is and treat it as such?  Can you put yourself for a time on the back burner (answer this one honestly)?  When you say you will do something; is your word strong enough for you to not let anything or anyone prevent you from keeping it?  (Extreme and I do mean extreme emergencies of course would apply for cancelling).
Can  you also be the reliable person that doesn’t need to become the martyr?  Not telling the world what you did in great measures (that in all honesty was either a ride, a shoulder or hand holding during a crisis)?
If you are – stand on a podium because you are rare, near extinct and probably didn’t answer truthfully.
Whether you are or you are not, the old adage is true. Actions speak louder then words.
Reliable - Noun: A person or thing with such trustworthy qualities.
Adjective: Consistently good in quality or performance; able to be trusted.

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore...Don't think!!!

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore...Don't think!!!: "There comes a time when the brain just can't take anymore. Emotions just can't get the right signals and it takes extreme measures to keep ..."

AndMore...Don't think!!!

There comes a time when the brain just can't take anymore.  Emotions just can't get the right signals and it takes extreme measures to keep it together.

Thursday is just another Friday, people running about with plans without a care to the world for anyone else around them.

3:45 - my Dr.'s appt.  I was expecting getting there on time then sitting for 4 hours until they decide to call your name.  They give 10 others the same appt. time.

3:50 - They call my name and others were there first. 'Sorry but the results were not good. You will need a specialist....blah blah blah' (Don't think, don't think, don't think. Just listen, just breathe)

4:44 - Two panic attacks later I am sent off with the assurance that an appt was made for the following morning with yet another specialist.  I leave and just think about breathing, while also remembering that my son should have completed the military test and has not called.  We were to meet tonight.  It's too soon, why is he taking this test ONE week after breaking the news to me???? 

He does not answer my calls, I call Mom.  Mom tells me that my son passed the military test. He hasn't even called me. I guess we are not meeting for dinner after all.


5:01 -  I reach the path train but another panic attack is coming. SOS a friend, perhaps their voice will keep you grounded.......QUESTIONS! I get questions! I can barely function let alone think. NO!!!! (Don't think, don't think, don't think. Just breathe). I feel the need to just go home. I feel my own body shutting down.  Get off the phone, get on the train....go home.


6:05 - I get home.  It doesn't take this long, I have just been on several wrong trains.

I KNOW!  I will cook.  Cooking is therapy.  Cooking keeps my mind busy.  I have to focus on something.  I burn the fish but am able to salvage some.  I don't remember eating - just the empty plate.

I take a walk.  I get lost.  I get home. (Don't think, don't think, don't think. Just breathe).

I shower and go to bed.  (Don't think, don't think, don't think. Just breathe). But it's that time.  That twilight where peace can be heard yet not felt.  It comes, one wave after another.  Fear, anger, despair.  For me...for my son.  I know....I've been through this before....I will need supplies.  I think of those supplies....

Bricks, CHECK.  Trowel, CHECK CHECK.  Cement, CHECK.  Build, build it high.  No pain can come in.  Seal those emotions in.  Layer, layer.  Keep everyone out...........It's morning, time to see the next specialist.  (Don't think, don't think, don't think. Just breathe).  Layer more bricks.

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me...Crazy Pasta

The Watcher's Notes: Inspiration me...Crazy Pasta: "Letting go of panic - today I will - not be over-whelmed by panic. Panic will take my mind off my goals. It's normal to feel panic, but I si..."

Inspiration me...Crazy Pasta

Letting go of panic - today I will - not be over-whelmed by panic. Panic will take my mind off my goals. It's normal to feel panic, but I simply feel it and let it go. I can get back on track by treading water until I regain my composure. I relax and know that all is well. ~Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The loving innocent world of animals serves as a good example for me. The more you stop to observe animals and learn from them, the more healthy and peaceful your life will be. ~Inner Wisdom Cards by Dr. W. Dyer

Even my dreams are gloomy and morbid.  How does one control that?  Heart heavy and mind full, I can only muster the energy for work.  Once the time comes to go home, as the commute begins my mind begins to numb.  I don't fight it as it has become a way to deal.

The one memory that keeps coming to mind is Crazy Pasta.  Many years ago I was very sick.  Most Dr.'s gave me an end date.  A few would just tell me to hope.  I prayed.  No insurance, no job and a small boy with beautiful hopeful eyes.

One day I was down to the last of food.  A few boxes of pasta, individually each would not fill an infant, together it would fill a child and perhaps give me a nibble.  I prayed the whole time I emptied each box into boiling water.  Psalm 23...my favorite.

The milk was gone, plenty tap water, no dessert and bread was a luxury.  Oatmeal was our staple food for breakfast and lunch.  But whenever that boy looked at me... I smiled.  It would take time before I would receive charity.  I prayed for my health to turn even against the odds, I prayed for food, I prayed for a job, I prayed for my son.

The pasta was ready...I drained it; amazed.  It was incredible how much was in there.  Angel hair, penne, spaghetti and ziti.  Honestly, barely 3 or 4 strands or rolls in each box....but then it was plenty.   There was enough to feed my son and myself for a couple of days.  The bit of sauce mixed with water seemed to thicken before my eyes.  Enough to cover the lot.

As I teared I poured the mixed pasta onto plates.  My son looked and said 'CRAZY PASTA'.  I cried while eating in both amazement and gratitude.  A past co-worker had stopped by unannounced and watched the plates.  As I poured him water he said nothing.  A British man that I will never forget, long gone back to his country now.  He said he would be right back, he walked out of the apartment and he came back with 4 bags of groceries, left them at the door, rang the bell and left.  For a month thereafter another past worker; a friendly guy from Guyana had gotten word and would bring groceries, take me to appointments and watch my son.

A couple of months later I was working, my health vastly improving, I came home and asked my son, 'what would you like for dinner?'  CRAZY PASTA.  For years he would ask at least once a week and I would take different boxes and make it for him.

I guess it is the hope that was born in me at that time that makes me remember.  I guess it's the fact that the small boy now a young man no longer asks or may not even remember Crazy Pasta.  I guess it's in knowing that I kept poverty and sickness from him while smiling.  I guess it's knowing that even though Crazy Pasta won't help, letting go of panic and remembering the start of it all....Psalm 23 helped.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures...........

The Watcher's Notes: Strength

The Watcher's Notes: Strength: "They say that you get only as much as you can handle. Well that's a load of crap! It seems just waking up is enough for me to receive ano..."

Strength

They say that you get only as much as you can handle.  Well that's a load of crap!

It seems just waking up is enough for me to receive another heepingful serving of crap.

Not only do I have to deal with the usual crap, some more falls.  This time an all too familiar crap.  It stepped out of my existence for two decades and resurfaced and brought fear and despair along for the ride.

I spent the night just giving into a good old fashion pity party.  No hats, just plenty of tissue and a great relief to be alone and not worry about someone hearing the wailing.

But sunrise came and with it the realization that only I can take care of me.  So I begin making calls, appointments were unsuccessful but I finished with a feeling that I began the journey.  A journey of finding or borrowing strength, a journey of self and health.  Everything else will have to tag along because this must come first.

It's funny but at one point in the night I remember having a horrible nightmare and waking up feeling as though, I should just get used to it.  I lit a candle and prayed.  I fell back to a peaceful sleep.

I'm not sure if it's my body demanding rest but I haven't the energy for anything.  I must motivate myself to do something on this lovely day.  Perhaps a drive, a netbook and a decaf will set me straight to some serious writing.

I do know this.....Strength escapes me...but faith carries me... Now that alone gives me the fight!

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore...Uncle Sam...leave mine alone

The Watcher's Notes: AndMore...Uncle Sam...leave mine alone: "My son announced that after his upcoming 21st birthday he would enlist in the army. His reasons solely for the chance to complete school, w..."

AndMore...Uncle Sam...leave mine alone

My son announced that after his upcoming 21st birthday he would enlist in the army.  His reasons solely for the chance to complete school, wanting to be a U.S. Marshall.  The recession has made it even harder to get a loan now that Pell Grant is gone.

I am to say the least devastated.  I could understand someone with a patriotic heart enlisting, one with the mind of a military career enlisting...but not for school.

I have shared the news and tallied.  I shall list the numbers below:

27 people said 'It will make a man out of him'
11 people said 'Talk him into (Navy, Marine, etc)'
5 people said 'I know (such and such) who went in (enter any horror story here)'
4 people said 'You should be proud'

My take...by the numbers:
27 - If training to kill or possibly be killed makes one a man, may all males remain boys.  If following the orders of a mixed up government and fighting wars we are lied about makes a man, may all males remain boys.  If making a decision to enlist entails the only reason - school, may all males remain boys.  If the military is the only way to make a man - shame on all 27 for your closed minded ways.

11 - If a person says they don't agree to enlistment, seriously? Does your simple minded opinion of which 'you' prefer make it any more enticing????

5 - Really? Really?  A parent doesn't already think of the many things that could go wrong?????

4 - I have news for you.  I AM proud of my son.  When he is right, when he is wrong, when he makes a good or bad decision...I am PROUD.  I don't need a uniform or a coffin for that.  It happened the second I felt him in my womb.

As a parent I think of this guy:
http://m.digitaljournal.com/article/143830?doredir=0&noredir=1
and these:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/military/2010-07-15-army-suicides_N.htm
and of her:
http://www.jessica-lynch.com/

You shoot who you are told and possible get this as a reward:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/01/25/national/main2398468.shtml

Don't get me wrong...I support my son and if after getting all real information and not the BUBBLE special the recruiters tell he still wants to enlist...then I will suck it up and see him off.

But...these young folks are told stories...not to different from the BUBBLE stories:
MaryKay and the pink bubble of bliss
Avon and the business dream turn nightmare bubble
Join the military and all this can be you bubble

Remember...bubbles burst.

I learned a few things:
People are really quick to give opinions they would rarely follow themselves
Everyone is a judge to your life and parenting
Few people really know what builds character
There are more negative people out there and they are eager to share their miseries
I really don't give a rats ass what people say; in the end; I must do and say what I can live with
This is no time for enlistment - we can't even protect our own here let alone elsewhere
When you need someone the most; you will find only yourself there
When you find only yourself there; God is carrying you
The best advice someone can give you is in the form of a hug
No one gives the best advice...no one

inspiration me...Hints for life (author unknown)

"Eleven Hints for Life"


1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.  But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

- Unknown

AndMore...Got a map?

I moved again.  Within 30 days I moved.  So just when I was getting used to NOT getting lost in Roselle, I move to another town in NJ closer to the Path.  Something tells me it's not that hard to get around in that town, but the lack of internal compass is showing otherwise.

Monday:  I go shopping.  I found the Walmart while trying to find the street I know live on.  I did some food shopping, it's hot as hell so now I really have to find the street.  I get the Dummy Husband GPS, he didn't let me down.

Tuesday:  I get to the car and find that the town knows I live there, I got a ticket, street cleaning.  You have to move the car by 9; I was 3 minutes late.  (Actually I did not know it was street cleaning, not all streets have the sign).  Welcome $$$$

Tuesday PM:  I go to the monthly gathering of Healing Man Healing Woman; Houston Street in Manhattan has a lot of places I really want to visit.  Cafes', bars, restaurants and shops.  This was my second trip and first where I was not lost.  I even stopped and grabbed a Grays Papaya and adopted an International Kid along the way.  The gathering was awesome.

I took the path home and once in town I turned on my phone GPS (yep still trying to cut down that 15 minute walk which is taking 45 to 60).  GPS could not find me...  That's not good.  I walked around for 1/2 an hour, all those fucking houses look a like.  I tripped twice and to this day my left big toe is bigger and hurts.  A cop noticed and pulled over, after a lengthy questioning process Officer Dendy (Dandy as far as I am concerned) figured it would be best to just take me home.  He shook his head along the way to find out I have lived there for 4 days and got lost all 4.  He left me at the corner and I limped the rest of the way.  BASTARD!  I showered and realized it was midnight, I crawled into bed.

Wednesday:  My first commute to work.  I got lost in the am walking to the path station, I got lost at the WTC trying to find the #6 train and I got off the wrong stop.  That should have warned me.
TORNADO ALERT:  I figured at 5pm that if the tornado did not show then screw it I would try to get home.  Death can't possibly be worse then this life......

No Tornado!  I got to WTC and couldn't find the path.  1 hour down the drain.  Found the path and got lost in town again, praying that the Officer was not on duty that night.  My feet were literally talking to me. 'You DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, GET A MAP!'

Odd Couple Bar - I love that bar.  Have never been in it but I know it is very close to home.

Sadistic - I am sadistic.  I might as well admit it.....Back in NY while looking for the path I had the urge to release the 2 bottles of water I drank.  Just a slight urge.  By the time I was in the Path train, the urge was a painful need.  Once in town I stopped at the Quick Chek and got a large iced coffee......I guess you know where this is going.

HOUSE - I see the house, it is a short 1/2 block.  My kidney decides this is a fine time to remind me that what goes in must come out.  'I will make it....I will make it....' (My kidney - 'No you won't...No you won't...)  I run up the stairs, unlock the doors.  I am drenched in sweat, granted it is hot out but it was more from pain.  I pray all the way up that my roommate is not home.

YES!  Roommate not home!  I make a MAD DASH for the bathroom and I MAKE IT!!!!  (sounds of hypothetical crowd cheering).

My feet chime in 'Well BITCH I got you here, but now we are going to let it RIP.'  The pain was so bad I wobbled on the heels of my feet.  Got my things together showered while tearing (ok, maybe wailing is more like it).  Wobbled to bed and literally passed out.

I've learned a few things:
My body betrays me
Don't drink bottles of water when not close to home
Windows Mobile GPS SUCKS
I don't care if my roommate turns out to be a PIMP, I'm not moving for at least 5 months
Cops drive slow
No one should live my kind of life SOBER!